Pondering Death

Even though we are all aware of the fact that some day we will die, it doesn't change the fact that neither one of us wants to die.

We all naturally have the desire to want to live. Philosophy and our greatest teachers will have us believe that death is a normal and a natural part of life, but why doesn't it feel natural?

When we lose the people who are closest to us we experience an unimaginable hurt. The pain inside doesn't feel natural at all. We may begin to then ask, why do people die? What happens to us when we die? Is there life after death? We may also began to wonder is there a higher spiritual power than us.

Religion has tried their best to answer these questions, but still many are unsatisfied with those answers.

Death is something that is hard for humans to understand. You can't begin to know the full magnitude of death until you lose someone who is really close to you, and even more so when you lose someone to cancer. That was the case for me.

As a little girl I had been exposed to death but with no real comprehension of death. I remember hearing of family members dying but having no real concept of it. I would be sad but I couldn't fully comprehend what death actually meant. Until I lost my mother.

Losing my mom was like losing myself. I could no longer be whole again because the other half of me no longer existed. Nothing can ever prepare you for the death of a love one. No pamphlets, no books, not even religion itself. When the pain hits you from losing the person you love the most it will literally feel like your world is ending. It probably would be better if your world did end. But you know what happens instead?

Your new life is just beginning without the person you love the most. From that day forward you will begin to learn how to live without the person you love the most. You'll learn how to stop calling them. You'll learn how to stop hugging them. You'll learn how to stop kissing them. You'll even learn how to get through your day knowing that the person you love the most is gone.

Then you will reach the point when you learn how to get through your day without even thinking about them once. You will cry less and before you know it life and time has made you accept something that at first seemed so unnatural.

But the question is, did you really heal, or did you just adapt? If death has such a profound affect on us, how can it be normal? There's no need to cry over what is normal. I don't cry when the leaves begin to turn brown in autumn. I don't cry when the flowers I picked become withered and die. Why? Because it is the natural way of things. So why doesn't it feel that way when humans die?

I could ask a million questions everyday but I will never be satisfied with an answer. My mom is gone and no matter how much I try to will her here she is gone. My mind is still trying to adjust to the fact that she is really gone.

While I may be able to walk through my day and laugh and smile in front of everyone, my heart is torn. Permanently broken from the death of the person I love the most. Sometimes I look at my kids and I break down and cry because I never want them to feel this pain I bare everyday. Honestly I don't know how it is that I'm surviving without my mom. Each day begins with tears. Each night ends with tears. I lost my best friend and I'm hurting immensely.

No amount of time can erase the pain in my heart and I don't believe that we were built to carry such a burden. I must learn to lean on God. He is my survival because I can not carry this load alone. The word says that the punishment for sin is death. Some may feel that it's not enough. They feel that a life of eternal torment is more fitting, but actually there's no greater sting than death.

Man may try many things but we can never conquer death.......