Parenting is a process of seeing yourself

Your sons and daughters are not your sons and daughters.

They are children born of life's desire for itself.

They came into the world through you, but not because of you.

They are beside you, but they do not belong to you.

What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts.

For they have a mind of their own.

You can shelter their bodies, but not their souls.

Because their souls belong to tomorrow.

A tomorrow that you can't even dream of reaching.

You can try your best to become like them, but don't let them become like you.

Because life does not go backward, nor does it stay in the past.

You are the bow from which your children shoot their arrows.

The archer looks at the target of the arrow on the road to the future.

He pulls you away with all his strength, so that his arrows may shoot fast and far.

Bend it in the archer's hand with joy, with joy in your heart

For he loves the arrow that flies all the way and the incomparably stable bow.

Kahlil Gibran's "To the Children" has inspired me on my parenting journey, and each rereading brings me new insights.

Some people say that a lot of parenting theory is just theory and doesn't apply to real life. Real life can be described as a chicken-and-egg situation, when the emotions come up, everything is forgotten, how to remember any theoretical knowledge, how to deal with children, let alone pay attention to what their needs are at the moment.

Yes, I know all of this too.

I started working when my oldest was about 1 year old, and I started working when my second was 1.5 years old. I had more freedom during my working hours, so I was taking care of the children by myself except when my family was very busy, so I could say that I was working and taking care of the children seamlessly.

With the arrival of the second, I eat again from chewing slowly into gobbling, and sometimes can not even sit at the table, the little one is also the whole bathroom "accompanied", using the computer little one is either tapping the keyboard or playing with the mouse, want to read a book little one would like to tear the book ........ This is a slow loss of self process, and this loss of self for me is more terrible and is the reason for my anxiety.

Sometimes we are angry, we are angry not because the child has done something wrong, but because our inner traumatic emotions have been awakened.

When my second child was under one year old, it was the most difficult time, and every day was like a day in their life because my second child was difficult to bring up, her skin was prone to allergies, colic, and colds, so I had to be very attentive in the process of taking care of her, and this also meant that I gave my all and was with her, and this total dedication made me lose myself, and this loss of control made me grumpy, sensitive and suspicious. Anxiety and depression .......

But these painful experiences are short-lived, as children grow up, they will only leave us, they will have their lives their world, and they snuggle in our arms for a short time of two or three years. The first few years of a child's life are critical, and my short time of hard work is worth it if it results in their self-confidence, security, their fearlessness, and their warmth, and love.

It looks like we are raising the children, but the process is also a process of self-development, a process of self-knowledge, and self-awareness. Every painful experience is informing our inner needs and desires, and we need to see inside ourselves, not just hold on to the problem itself.

Once I was also an emotionally unstable mother, and when my oldest child affected my sleep at night, I would throw tantrums and break things. Finally, through psychoanalysis, I realized that many of my painful points came from the loss of my ego, the part of my ego that wanted to maintain itself was violated, my time was occupied, and my ego would lose control. When I realized my loss of control and my own needs, I would have more understanding and tolerance for myself, and I would naturally have fewer emotions towards my children.

If you can't see yourself clearly, you can't lead your children well.

Especially in the process of parenting, many times it is not our children who bring us some negative emotions at the moment, but some unpleasant or even traumatic experiences from our childhood that are awakened during our interactions with our children.

So now that I have my second child, I hardly ever have any emotional outbursts in front of my two children. It's not that I'm so good-tempered, it's that I can see my vulnerable side, I understand my inner needs, I see my inner child, and I use that to make some adjustments, to use some pieces of time to satisfy my needs, to separate my inner emotions from my children, instead of transferring This unfulfilled anger was transferred to the child.

Sometimes our anger over our children is not really about our children, but about our own unfulfilled and unappreciated anger, which we are angry about, but cannot see. Sometimes this dissatisfaction comes from the ego, sometimes the anger comes from the partner, sometimes the loss and resentment comes from the family, sometimes the need to be satisfied comes from the emotional trauma of childhood .......

Therefore, treating children with tolerance and acceptance is tolerance and acceptance of self. Inner peace and emotional stability are the basis for good interaction with others.