Parenting is a Mindf**k

I found myself standing in the bathroom of the house I shared with my best friend early one morning, in late November 2008. I was brushing my teeth, trying like hell to ignore the pregnancy test on the counter next to me. I counted down the minutes as I brushed, anxiety churning, my stomach in knots.

It was only once.

We aren't even technically together. It was a one-night thing.

Things got out of hand. Once.

I looked over at the test, toothpaste still adorning my lips. Two little pink lines, one of them ever-so-faint, but definitely there.

FUCK.

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That was my initiation into motherhood. It seems like it such a distant memory, and I suppose it was. Nearly twelve years ago. It also feels like it was yesterday. That's what being a mom does; it skews your perception of time. Motherhood is also the hardest teacher you will ever have. Think of your most difficult college professor. Got it? Now multiply that by about 1,000 and you may be in the ballpark. Okay, I lied. You're only in the parking lot at best. Add to that being single and you're in for the best, worst, most terrifying, wonderful, rewarding ride.

Anyway, I digress...

Here are a few realizations I have come to in my journey...

1. Giving birth is more than just having a baby

It seems simple, right? You're giving birth to a baby. Which is true. But that's only half of it. You're also giving birth to yourself. Birth changed me, totally and completely. I was transformed from the child I was into a mother. There are so many shifts that take place when you become responsible for another life. Things that were important before suddenly seemed so trivial. The rose-colored glasses come off and everything looks different.

2. There is no such thing as the perfect parent

It's cliché AF, I know. You hear it all the time. But you still see parents wracked with worry and guilt over their decisions.

I think in just about every movie or TV show I have seen that depicts a parent-child dynamic, the parent usually has a meltdown at some point about all the things they must be doing wrong as parents. It's classic. And it's common. I don't know a mother that hasn't felt that way.

But here is some truth for you...

A. Just the fact that you think you're royally fucking up your kids proves that you are not a terrible parent. What it shows is that you care. A lot.

B. Despite the fact that you aren't a terrible parent, your kids are going to grow up with baggage because of how they were raised. It's inevitable. I remember after finding out I was pregnant with my first, I went and talked to a pastor friend of mine. I told him how terrified I was that I would totally eff up my kid. He looked at me square in the eye and said, "Melissa, everyone screws up their kids, the question is, to what extent do they screw them up?"

Color me mindfucked. No one had ever put it to me like that before. All I ever garnered was that I had to be perfect and do it right the first time.

I have never forgotten those words. What I have found to be most helpful is to admit to my kids that I am fallible. I am human. I make mistakes just like everyone else. Sometimes I make mistakes parenting. Actually, I make mistakes a lot, but that's not the point. It seems that parents want their kids to view them in such a way that they are perfect and infallible which is just not realistic. We want them to know it's okay to make mistakes but we don't want to admit to them that we screwed up. Telling your kid that you're sorry is a gift to them, and to you. It shows them it's okay to make a mistake and how to appropriately deal with mistakes. Act appropriately, because your babies are watching.

3. Everybody has an opinion

"Unmedicated home birth in a tub with a midwife and a doula is the best way. It's so empowering and peaceful! Hospitals are dangerous and doctors do not have your best interest in mind."

"If you have a home birth, you are putting your life and your baby's life at risk. What if something happens? What if you die? What if your baby dies?!"

"Breastfeed because breast is best."

"Formula feed because breastfeeding is gross."

"Homeschool so your kids know you are always there for them."

"Work so you set a good example for your children."

"Feed all organic, because of the toxins."

"Organic is stupid. How did we ever survive without it?"

"Don't spank your children."

"Spank your children."

"Back in the day we used to "(insert unsolicited advice here)."

I can guarantee every parent reading this has heard most of the above at some point. I have heard every single one on this list, multiple times, from strangers, friends, and family alike. It's like as soon as you're pregnant/caring for a baby/toddler/child/teenager, everyone suddenly feels the need to share with you the parenting wisdom that their grandmother's second cousin's pharmacist told them. Never mind what the idiot with the degree is telling you at doctor's appointments. They don't know anything. But the checkout lady at the grocery story, she's an expert. The man behind the deli counter knows it all. He'll mansplain pregnancy and birth to whomever will listen because his sister has three kids and he knows it all.

:insert massive eye roll here:

Alright, so that got a tad rant-y. I apologize. But this is truly one of my biggest pet peeves. What I have learned to do over the course of two pregnancies and in raising now a preteen and a 10 month old is to smile and nod, and then let it go. In one ear, right out the other. Of course, if it is a family member or a friend pushing their birthing/parenting strategies on you, that may require some boundary setting. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal much with that with my second. With my first it was harder for me. I was very impressionable and lacked the confidence to be sure of my own decisions. I learned over time, and you will too if you're currently struggling with this. Be patient with yourself, and remember: throat-punching Margie next door when she continues to bless you with her innate wisdom about how terrible daycare, formula, and anything non-organic is will indeed get you an assault charge. So fight the urge!

4. Lastly, have fun!

This took me the longest to learn. With my first, I spent a lot of time trying to control everything. I was uptight about what she ate, how much or how little she slept, I worried about her every time she fell, and every sniffle, cough, or rash sent me into a panic. I could have definitely relaxed and enjoyed things more. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of the incredibly patient nurses at the doctor's office for answering every little tiny question I called with constantly. There is a special place in heaven for those ladies.

So relax, let go of the little things, and save the messes for later. They aren't going anywhere. Take pictures of everything! Enjoy your kiddos the best you can because I can attest to the fact that this shit goes by at lightspeed. Before you know it, they're toddlers, then going to school, then teenagers and you'll be left standing there wondering what the fuck happened. Parenting is hard and it really sucks sometimes so you have to savor it when it doesn't suck as fully as possible.

And remember... We are here to guide our children, not to force conformity. They don't need to hold the beliefs that we do. They are individuals, separate from us (yes it's true! Ignore the toddler clinging to your leg, screaming for a snack while you cook dinner! He really hasn't become permanently attached!) Let them have their own ideas about things. Ask them lots of questions! Listen to what they think about things and how they view things. I have learned more from my oldest than I think I have even begun to teach her because of this. Their perspectives are on things are often simple and beautiful and why not hold on to the simplicity of these things? Life is complicated enough.

Our children are, in fact, our greatest teachers.