Out of the Mouths of Babes

I guess we all have these lows in our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I have more than others or less than others. I sometimes ask why life just seems like it has more dips or does it really? I don't know but today I feel like I'm in a dip and have been for years even though I try to crawl out of it. It seems even your own body drags you back down and the further you go the harder it gets to crawl back up.

Today I had a huge fight with my granddaughter who I am supposed to be homeschooling. She had problems in the public school system as there's always bullies around wherever you go. I remember too when I first entered junior high school; and these two boys made it uncomfortable for me in school, but otherwise, I was invisible at least at that school. I was there only briefly before I transferred out. I guess some things never change.

But my granddaughter has also expressed to me and her mother that she hates school and doesn't care about school. It's been like pulling teeth trying to get her to sit down and do her work the last month or so, but her marks are so good. It doesn't make sense to me. I lived to get good marks and learn all I could. I soaked up all that I could and signed up for extra after school classes as a child, so I guess I don't understand this. Maybe that's my problem.

Today started out like any other. I dropped off my one grandchild at school; one stayed behind as he didn't feel well, so that also left my oldest one home for homeschooling. When I got home, she wasn't ready for her classes. She went upstairs refusing to come down, so I shut off her internet. Then went about my business hoping she would come down eventually and be ready to get to work. That didn't happen. Instead in the early afternoon I got a text asking for her internet which I responded that we could still do her work, or we could reschedule for Sunday. This is where everything started to get ugly.

She was sending me hate texts "move out, move out, move out." You see I don't think my granddaughter likes or loves me. She's always treated me like I'm someone she hates. The funny thing is I have been trying to get her to finish her schooling, but it's just turned into another fighting trigger for her. When she was little, she did used to love me. She used to come spend weekends at my place and wanted to spend time with me all the time. I never stopped loving her, and that's why I pushed her to get her work done, but maybe it's time to take a step back for my own sake.

She started to outwardly hate me about a year after her parents split up, now I am the one she hates or takes it out on. I'll tell you it's not a great feeling, and it's pretty draining. I'd never treat my grandparents like that. I loved them so much. In fact I remember once my grandmother telling me to stay behind when my mom was going to see my dad at the hospital for the last time. I was 14 and hysterical because I wanted to go too, but my grandma is the one who calmed me and set me straight gently.

This time though she not only told me to move out continuously but also told me: "Go die your old enough just die." "Kill yourself." That's pretty negative and hateful thoughts sent my way. Now I don't plan on any of that. I've lived through lots of terrible situations, but now I'm thinking maybe it's time to take care of myself. I actually read a message this morning in my email that basically said "to recharge my batteries" which sounds pretty good right now.

I had written back to her too that I thought she was a spoiled brat that just used people to get what she wanted; and if she didn't, had a tantrum. I believe that to be true too. Yesterday her mom bought her a skateboard to finish up her work but then today just didn't bother anymore now that she got what she wanted. She's done this numerous times with other items as well. Then today this was one tantrum, but I've seen plenty of them.

As I get older I find it harder to withstand the hate and just want my own serene little corner again. I just got over being pretty sick, so maybe I'm taking this way too personally; but then again when someone outrightly says they want you to die, how do you not take it personally. How do you not when it's your own grandchild. As I sit here a I can feel the "slump" in my heart. At this moment it would be good to be in a nice cabin with a fire or with my friends or just at my old house where there was no one to hate me. I have had other difficult relationships of others who hate me too but they were exes never my own flesh and blood. I think it's time for this old woman to move on. To be continued....