Open Letter: To My Late Grandfather

Dear Nana-ji,

This feels a bit strange... to write to you after all this time. Let me introduce myself, I am your granddaughter and your oldest grandchild. Nice to meet you. After 30 years, this is the first time I've actually sat down and thought of you. I am writing to you today, well, to simply say thank you. Without you, I wouldn't even know where I would be. This is supposed to be a letter to my hero, a mentor, someone who has pushed me to be the person I am today; however, there is a whole different meaning for that to me. YOU are my hero, and sadly I never had the opportunity to even meet you.

I've heard many stories about you over the years, but this letter is not about who I think you were - this letter is about all the things you gave to me, allowed me to have and to be, without even knowing. It is about the legacy you left behind. If you never got on that plane from Delhi in 1972 and came to Canada as a refugee, I can only imagine where my life would be today. I've had the opportunity to visit India many times, and each time I leave more sure that I will never go back. It is so backwards there! Women are treated horribly, equality seems like it will never be the socially accepted norm, and above all, I felt I needed to mask who I was around everyone to not 'draw attention' to myself. I hated it! The feeling of not being in control really made me feel powerless and low, like a second class citizen. I had to veil myself in the event I exposed too much. Had to pretend I was living in a different time era just to make it back on that plane home.

As the first generation in our family to be born and raised in Canada, I feel I always took for granted what I have here, what I am blessed with, and the opportunities I now have. I wanted to tell you that I am an Army Officer in the Canadian Armed Forces. Me, an Indian woman, serving the very country that you thought would give you and your family a better life. Not too long ago, someone asked me why I decided to join and that left me pondering. There are of course, many different answers to that question and not a single one is the reason, they are all just as valid. As you know, society and social norms in Canada differ from those in India. It was a true struggle to grow up constantly conflicted as to who I was and where I belonged. At home, I was still being raised to be the 'perfect Indian daughter', and out in the world I was discovering who I was by associating myself with different likes/dislikes, hobbies, friend circles and interests. This was a big identity crisis for me and overtime, I came to be very happy with who I am. After some thought, I realized I joined because I genuinely felt like I finally belonged somewhere as my true, raw self. No filters and masks anymore. My authentic self was alive and proud to be where I was, surrounded by the brothers and sisters I had next to me. I did not have to fight to be where I am today, as most women would have had to do in India. Most of that is because your daughter raised me to be a strong, self-reliant and courageous woman - because you raised her to be the same. In a way, she tells me I am a lot like you: motivated and ambitious. I've struggled a lot growing up with cultural expectations vs Canadian society. I've always wanted to do something big, be someone important, and most of all lead a path that isn't the norm for Indian women. And I've succeeded in my own way to be all of those things because you decided to step on that plane.

It scares me to think what I would be doing today had you stayed in India. I've created a worst case scenario in my head a little while ago and it is the reason I decided it was about time I wrote to you. IF you never left India and I never had a taste of Western society, I would be in an arranged marriage somewhere with someone who I may or may not have gotten along with. We would be living with his parents and my mother-in-law would probably treat me like garbage (again, worst case scenario and not saying this is the case for everyone). I'm sure I would stay at home cooking and cleaning, unable to leave the house for any reason unless it was with my husband or his family. Sex would be a chore, despised, feared, forced even. There would be no contraception and I would end up being a breeding vessel with 5 or 6 kids before 30. God forbid if they were all girls and my husband would have to take on a second marriage to fulfill the wish of having a boy to carry on the legacy. Who knows how the health care system is there and if my kids or I would be safe? I would spend my days, I'm sure, taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, the in-laws and the husband, until eventually I would be old and fatigued. My whole life would pass me by being first a child-bearer and then a provider - nothing more, nothing less.

The struggles here were not the same as the struggles women faced in India. It was more so bridging the gap between immigrant parents and first generation Canadian children rather than fighting for human rights and equality. Many of our women fight in silence, they don't even know what they could be because they have never been exposed to such opportunities or ways of life. I know that you found dad for mom and they had an arranged marriage, of course I understand that this was and still is in most parts, the tradition. You also did a great job by the way - they have never been happier. What saddens me is that they were still young and naive themselves while they had us. They raised us three without any idea of what the future would hold, but they did it, and they did it together.

Never did I see myself doing anything other than what I do and where I do it. Serving this country has been an honour in itself. We have a lot of things to work on (as do other countries), but we seem to have it together enough where various ethnicities and religions are able to co-exist. I have seen the struggle that our family has had over the years, with the eyes at local farmer's markets to the bullying that I faced in school. But none of that is even close to what our lives would have looked like in India. As a woman, I would never have been able to make my own decisions and choose my own path. My dreams would only go as far as my husband's and even that, I would have to provide support and swallow my own. Tomorrow, I will be able to teach my child that there is no limitations on anything. There is no one they are expected to be, no one they are expected to love, and above all, no one that they will be expected to put up with against their own will. That child will be a second-generation Canadian and able to explore all their heart's desires without any boundaries. All of this is now possible, because of you.

I will never get to ask you what made you want to leave, and that saddens me. Did you know all these things when you had mom and want better for her? Did you do it for selfish reasons? I'll never have the answers to those questions or to the millions of others I wish I could have asked you. But what I do know, despite your reasons or intentions, is that you DID make it here and I never knew a life any different than the one I have enjoyed. I am so very thankful that I had access to education, to resources, a job, my own place, and was not forced in to a marriage. I am able to have a career that is mostly male dominated and not be shamed for that by my family or relatives. Not once did my parents tell me what I could and could not do, I was raised to be limitless, fearless, and to chase my dreams even if they seemed out of reach. I have choice here, and that would not have been possible were it not for you.

Your granddaughter,

She, The Soldier.