One step forward and Two steps back

I know that everyone has heard the phrase “One step forward, two steps back”. Well lately that phrase alone explains my life. To be honest, I am struggling. I am at the point in my life where I thought I would be settled down, with kids, a stable job, finishing or finished with college, and a sense of stability. However, I am in the middle of a divorce, I only have visitation of my kids, I am about 1/3 of the way done with my bachelor’s and still need to get my Masters degree. There is no stability in my life. In fact, or the last 4 years more life changing thing shave happened then I would really like to admit. Is this the new normal for my generation? I am not sure. I look at my aunts, uncles, parents, and even grandparents and I see marriages that have lasted twenty plus years and how settled they were at such a young age. Then I look at my life and the lives of my friends. I just cannot seem to figure out if it is something that we are doing wrong or if it is the way of the world now days. This year alone, I have personally heard from friends and family or more than 4 divorces and for the friends that chose to date or stay engaged for the last 5-7 years: break-ups. I wish I had the answers. I wish that I knew how to be that stable and happy women I dreamed of being as a kid. Right now, all I am is a struggling adult who puts on a happy and confident face more than 85% of the day. I am sure that at least some of you know how that feels and please if any of you know the answers feel free to share.

Just recently, I paid for a car out right, got a job I was super excited about, signed a lease I knew I could afford for the perfect sized place, and got on a schedule with my kids. Within days 3 of those things blew up in my face. I feel like such a failure and am constantly having to explain myself to people which just makes things harder. It all started with some unreasonable family drama and the rest was like dominoes all knocking each other down. I have my car but no way to get it legal, due to that fact I had to reject the job I was so excited for, and the lovely world of technology being as twisted as it is ruined the stability with my kids.

Is it Karma? Or did I make a bad decision somewhere in my past that is just coming back to bite me? Or maybe, just maybe this is some version of a god’s way of telling me that I am not on the right path?

More than anything right now I just wish that I had someone to talk to. Someone who knows me down to my soul and could tell me what to do next. Yes, I have an amazing fiance who is right by my side during everything. But I feel like such a failure not only for myself and my kids, but for him to. I know that my decisions affect him as much as they affect me. I also have my mom and two super close friends. My mom is such a strong support system that I am tired of worrying her. My friends have their own lives. I have always been the nurturer and caregiver that I do not feel right asking for someone to care for me.

I know that throughout this it sounds like I am whining about my situation. Although at the beginning I said that I was struggling and I am. There are days when I can not even see the point in living. There are days when I just want to punish myself. There are days where I just want to stay in bed so that I cannot hurt anyone else or make any further bad decisions.

I know that I need mental help. I know that I should learn how to lean on others. I know that the solution that I am coming up with are not actual solutions but more days than not this is how I feel. SO what comes next? I guess that is what we are all waiting to see…..