One miscarriage & a still birth later

Introduction

Our experiences have shaped us into the person we are today. We were told to get married and have 2.5 children. Then and only then we’d be complete to live happily ever after. A pretty straight forward plan; but what if things don’t go according plan? More popular women such as Gabrielle Union, Angela Bassett, Courtney Cox and Tyra Banks have shared their stories. For me it wasn’t a walk in the park.

The Anxiety Chronicles of a New Mom

I observed the nurses as they went about their daily routine. I drew the similarity that just as there’re different types of nurses, there’re different types of mothers. Some nurses genuinely care about their patients whilst some just function.

I have a 5 month old (Livi), so I’m relatively new to this motherhood journey. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the type of mother who knows with an certainty which school Livi will be attending at age 6. I only have a general framework (something I picked up from Vince - my husband). I’m figuring out this motherhood thing one milestone at a time. Next on my agenda is how to introduce Livi to solids.

Armed with a plan

Life wasn’t always like this. I use to have several plans. Reflecting on how life has played out made me realise that about 80% of my major life events didn’t go according to any of my plans. For example:

1. I didn’t marry any of the men that I thought I would have; and
2. The birth of our first two children didn’t go according to plan.

The Sac

At our first ultrasound the doctor confirmed the presence of a sac (affectionately known as “The Sac”). The Sac wasn’t meant to be. At 7 weeks whilst travelling overseas the bleeding started. Upon my return home I experienced what I thought at that time was the most excruciating physical pain ever! It felt like someone was ripping out my inner parts. We lost The Sac.

Ryan William

Along came Ryan (our little king). I held my breath for the first 7 weeks of the pregnancy.

First trimester – cleared!

Second trimester – cleared!

Then that Wednesday.

It was our regular 36-week doctor’s visit. We knew something was amiss when after several attempts we could hear no heart beat. Ryan too wasn’t meant to join us. Cause of death – unknown.

Words can’t begin to describe how this loss rocked our world.

How could I not have known?!?!!??!

Olivia Amanda (Livi)

If holding my breath for 7 weeks was long – try 36. The on again off again relationship that I had with anxiety over the years became a full blown love affair. The affair was hot and steamy. It filled me up in ways I thought unimaginable. I even developed White Coat Syndrome.

Whilst I danced with glee for other pregnant friends, I couldn’t dance with the same enthusiasm for myself.

A friend gave us a heart monitor. It was my most trusted ally. Vince often teased me. However I knew that everyone (including him) was having their own love affair with anxiety. My theory was proven as we approached week 36. Everybody and their mothers started to get nervous.

All I had to say was:

“Welcome to the last 36 weeks of my life.”

Livi’s birth

My love affair blossomed. In the recovery room she fell asleep on my chest and I thought she was dead.

“Is she breathing?!?!? Is she breathing?!?!? “

“Kay, calm down, she’s only sleeping.” Vince said in his (sometimes annoying) cool and collect tone.

“Are you sure?!?!?! Are you sure?!!?!?”

“Kay, calm down.”

“But I’m calm.”

“Really? The monitors you’re hooked up to seem to think otherwise.”

Traitors! Ratted out by some pesky machines.

No latch

Night came and she hadn’t latched. My love affair flourished.

Something must be wrong with her and she must be dying from starvation.

It took one wise mid wife to explain that usually it takes a 36 week term baby up to 48 hours to latch. She did eventually latch to never let go. According to her father she may look like a Clennon but eats like a Johnson.

On the ward

I was thrown into the deep end. My love affair matured to new heights.

I had no clue what to do with this little person. It was do or die, sink or swim. I chose to float. All those breast feeding and how to take care of a new born videos and articles that I didn’t get a chance to watch or read, somehow kicked in just enough for me to survive my brief stay.

The journey home

I have a very supportive family. In spite of this, my love affair blossomed.

I was anxious about everything imaginable under the sun. Things such as was she getting enough breast milk, cluster feeding and being left alone with her. I even implemented a Nose Test for when she slept.

The list was very long.

Return to work

Just when I thought I was getting an handle on things. My love affair heightened to new levels.

I struggled and questioned and struggled some more. To name a few, I struggled with:

• being away from Livi even though I knew she was in terrific hands;
• finding a work life balance;
• getting enough rest to function at work.

Worst nightmare became a reality

I was involuntarily separated from Livi for 3 weeks. My love affair didn’t blossom.

I always knew that she was in great hands. When my life depended on it, I saw things differently and found a deeper meaning to the phrase

“It takes a village to raise a child."

Conclusion

I didn’t plan on being away from Livi, but it happened. I re learnt how fragile life is and how things can literally change in the blink of an eye.

There is no such thing as a perfect mom. Everybody and their grandmother will criticise you. However, you are the chosen mother for your child. Figure out what kind of mother you are and be the best darn mother that you can be.

xoxo

Kay