Older Siblings Suffer More From Parental Conflicts

Are you the oldest of your siblings? If so, you may well have found this role uncomfortable at some point. That's because being an older sibling often means you have to grow up faster and possibly take on responsibilities earlier than you should. It may even be that you have developed a more authoritative personality, or that you try to help everyone and anyone.

As always, there are exceptions. But in family dynamics where there are older and younger siblings, each one ends up occupying a place in the relational framework. This conditions them in many different ways. In fact , what happens in childhood and adolescence ends up shaping our personalities for life.

A fact worth mentioning is that when the parents are not available, it is the older sibling who tends to take on the protective role towards their younger sibling. In these contexts, characterized by mistreatment or disagreement between the parents, the older children are forced to mature quickly.

We are the result of many of the pathological dynamics that we experience in childhood. The fact that we face certain situations together with our siblings can lessen the psychological impact of these events.

Older siblings in the midst of parental crises

Birth order is not decisive for personality. It is more influenced by the social context that surrounds us. For example, when a child of twelve, thirteen or fourteen has to take on the role of their unavailable parent to their younger siblings.

We are conditioned by the environments we grow up in and the dynamics with our caregivers. On the other hand, the interaction with siblings is also crucial in this process of character development.

A study conducted by Purdue University (India) claims that the relationship established between siblings can promote social learning, attachment style and many personality traits in children. Indeed, it seems that these figures are as crucial as our parents. In fact, they sometimes even become the most important support for promoting and protecting our psychological well-being.

These situations tend to occur in dysfunctional families. When there is conflict between the parents, it is the older siblings who are most affected. As a rule, they end up acting as mediators between their parents or as caregivers for their siblings.

Conflict between parents can have a great emotional impact on children. However, when there is an older sibling, this circumstance can be mitigated by them acting as protectors for their younger sibling.

The buffer effect and unavailable parents

It is often taken for granted that when there is a conflict-ridden relationship between parents, there is usually also conflict between siblings. But it is not always like that.

The parents serve as the social model that children tend to imitate. Dynamics dominated by arguments, shouting and blaming create a chaotic and uncertain atmosphere. The "buffer effect" means that the figure of an older sibling can change everything. This means that when the parents are not available, the sibling in question takes over the role of the adult.

They become the emotional and physical support for their younger brothers and sisters. In effect, they take over, providing their siblings with reassurance and becoming their main source of valid and positive attachment.

Older children and unsolicited emotional baggage

A study conducted by the University of Edinburgh (UK) in 2017 found that older siblings have, on average, a higher IQ than their younger siblings. This is because these children receive more stimulation, attention and support than the younger children who come later.

What then happens in those homes where caregivers are not available or carry some conflict? In these situations, the children are forced to grow up quickly and take on tasks and responsibilities that do not belong to them. These are children who possess greater maturity in emotional intelligence . Furthermore, they are often forced to mediate their own parents' problems.

Not only do they have the responsibility of caring for their younger siblings, but they often also have to act as caregivers for their own parents. There is no evidence that this increases their IQ. But they often carry an emotional burden that is ultimately traumatic and counterproductive.

The wounds of parentification in older siblings

Parentification is a term coined by the psychiatrist Iván Böszörményi-Nagy. It defines the situations where a child assumes the role of an adult and thus replaces his own parents. For an older sibling to be the caregiver for their younger siblings and parents is a form of psychological abuse.

Indeed, many of those who have been in this situation know that it does not always make them stronger, but leaves them with abysmal holes. That said, there can of course be inter-individual differences.

Nevertheless, it is usually associated with the loss of their childhood and a distortion of their identity. Having to be the kind of figure who provides support, security and affection to their loved ones, they grow up without receiving these benefits themselves.

Therefore, they tend to carry with them scars of trauma and unfulfilled needs. However, no one should be deprived of their own childhood by taking on tasks that do not suit them. Childhood is sacred and children should be loved unconditionally at all costs.