Oh My Youth...Fleeting and Fast

As a kid, I was reckless. I ran and jumped and played hard, enjoying the thralls of my youth. Climbing trees, riding bikes, scraping my knees and hands at every turn. Falling down just to jump up and exclaim "I'm okay!" making the other kids worried and then laugh because I was never truly hurt. Having all the wonder of a kid, and putting it to good use with an imagination that never left me. I was just as creative then as I am now. My hair wild and my eyes wide, I would dive head-first into any adventure, no matter what that was. My sister and I used to frequently explore the woods behind our childhood home, one time finding a small cabin-like house and never knowing how it got there or how people got to it. There was a dog chained up outside of it and tire tracks next to it, but no sign of a driveway or any sort of path leading to it. We never found that house again, causing us to believe that maybe we had imagined it.

I loved to swim, so much so that I was called a fish. I loved being in the water and that is where I could be found for the majority of each summer growing up. Playing water games and swimming laps, having contests with my sister to see who could hold their breath the longest. Each of us spending hours at a time chasing each other around the pool and forming whirlpools to turn around and fight against the current. Summers never lasted long enough. We never had a diving board or a slide to our pool because it was an above ground, 4ft deep circle and was easy to get hurt in if you weren't careful. During one of our swimming contests to see who could swim across the pool and back the fastest, I got a little too free-willed and didn't keep track of where the side of the pool was, so when I came up for air, I hit the bridge of my nose on the metal siding, leaving a permanent dent that can still be seen today if you look carefully enough.

As a teenager, my wild ways became more tame and the most wild thing about me was my hair. I had been coloring my hair since I was a kid and never let it be the same color for long, especially when I got a job and could afford it on my own. Through my pre-teen years, I started to develop crushes on people, both male and female, discovering my sexuality. It wasn't until high school though, my full-blown teenage years, that I started dating seriously. Sure, I had a few "boyfriends" prior to that but as a kid, we didn't actually know or understand what it meant to be boyfriend and girlfriend. In my early teenage years, I believed in the fairy-tale that I would find my true love and we would live happily ever after, raising a family together and have a love for the ages. After my parents divorced and my dad went to prison, I made it my goal to be different from both of my parents, finding that "forever love." None of the relationships I had lived up to those ideals though, and I would start over at every chance I got until, ne day, I did find that love. The feeling that this was the one that I wanted to spend my forever with was the best feeling imaginable, especially at 16 when we are our most romantic and hormonal selves.

After months of pure bliss and happiness, he is the one who decided we wouldn't last forever, leaving my heart broken and my soul crushed. That was my first heartbreak and it was my last real one. I decided from then on that I wasn't meant for "happily ever after" like the fairy-tales of my youth, but rather, I was meant to be alone forever and not care what others would think of the "loner girl" that left a trail of broken hearts behind her. That's right, I did my share of heart-breaking too, especially after mine shattered into pieces. I chose to still date, knowing that I wouldn't allow any of these relationships to last. I would find flaws in every situation and use those as an excuse to get out, leaving the person I was dating dumbfounded and pining.

How do I know that they pined after me when we split?

Simple! Here we are 10+ years later and they are still asking me why we broke up and if I would ever give them another chance, allowing my to break their hearts all over again. I guess when your heart shatters like glass, it is never really the same again as my heart-breaker nature continues to this day. I did think I found a forever love with the other half of my daughter's DNA, but it turns out that he wanted to have more than just one girl on his arm and I caught him (twice, because I gave him another chance). Unfortunately, the second time I caught him, it was, sadly, after we had gotten married. Luckily, we live in a world where divorce is a thing, though it has been 2 years and I am still in the process of that. People always tell me that they are sorry I went through that, but honestly, it didn't effect me like it would someone else and just reconfirmed the idea that I am not meant to have that "happily-ever-after" which I am really, completely content with.

Though, in a way, I did get my "happily-ever-after" when I had my daughter and the meaning of "forever" changed for me. now, I would forever be her mother and she would forever be my daughter; I will forever love her with all I am, unconditionally and deeply; forever I will look at her little face and smile as she stares intently at her tablet or a movie on the TV, knowing that no matter how big that face gets, I will forever see my baby.