Numbness and Aging

Last night the baby awoke close to 1am. He usually sleeps solid from his 10pm feeding up until 7am ish.

Last night I woke up to him scream-crying, the kind of cry I never ignore. It means there is something wrong. He is 4 months old.

I rushed downstairs and was halfway there before realizing my left hand had gone numb and I couldn't move my fingers. I was so confused, but just ignored it as I tended to the baby, changed him, held him, patted him, and finally fed him into happy, sleepy, baby-bliss.

Luckily, as I went through the motions, my fingers regained their ability to move.

I had gone to the doctor that very morning due to a cervical sprain. When she asked specifically, I realized that my hands have been going tingly and numb for a few months from sleeping or side-lying while breastfeeding the baby.

But I've never lost the ability to move my fingers.

Even now my fingers on the left side are slightly shaky.

I think it's positional- due to the way I position myself while sleeping.

When the baby was satisfied and back asleep I lingered a bit outside his room to make sure he was content.

Going back to bed I decided to sleep flat on my back with no pillows, and my arms by my sides.

Approaching age 37, the days of sleeping for cozy comfort in my favorite fetal position on all of my favorite pillows are gone. I have to come to terms with aging. Sleeping positions are now for maintaining the status quo. Must sleep like a vampire to avoid discomfort in the morning... except for the arms crossed, because my arms would still go numb.

More like sleeping like a stiff board of monotony.

No pillows.

No hands by my face.

Suffer so as not to suffer.

Suffer my creature comforts so as not to suffer temporary, horrifying paralysis.

***

I woke up this morning around 6:40am and Zev was still asleep. I decided rather than laying in bed waiting for him to wake up that I'd be productive.

I watered the outside plants, trimmed the rose bush, planted the bougainvillea (in a last effort to save it), and felt pretty good. I also paid off the FasTrak bill and did some authentication thing for some account to prevent getting locked out.

There are so many little things that build up, that must be maintained.

For so long I've felt useless and unproductive, probably starting most intensely in the last trimester of pregnancy.

I had lost my job from the pandemic months before, so that didn't help.

But I could barely go grocery shopping or walk around without huffing and puffing. On top of that, near the very end, I could barely nap or sleep at night due to discomfort from a human growing inside my body and pushing on all of my internal organs.

I didn't fully heal from birth 'til about the 3 month mark, which was surprising. Everyone says 6 weeks is the expected recovery. They are LIARS.

So on top of healing, and navigating raising a new human being, I also felt confused and slightly scared that things were not healing like everyone said.

WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD.

When I feed him sometimes and he's very fidgety or grunting and wiggling around I feel like it's some kind of metaphor for my new role in life. He's going to be going all over the place emotionally, physically, growing up, freaking out, learning, and so forth. I'm going to need to be the rock. The steady mom who's there to feed him and comfort him and be there for him.

I kind of love that.

I'm good at being steady.

I love routine.

I love cozy.

I love comfort.