Not on the Same Page Round 3

For quite some time now I've had an on-again-off-again relationship with a family member I grew up with. At this moment it's off again. From my point of view, it is off for good. I'm sure that this time I burned the bridge to cinder ash and I would be inclined to assume she'd say the same thing.

For years I would go stay at her house for a couple of months every summer. Which truthfully was a great charity. Then, for reasons that don't pertain to this post, she moved away to another city. Unfortunately, we basically stopped talking then. As time passed and passed we obviously grew up and if it wasn't for a spontaneous trip to see her with an ex-boyfriend I wouldn't have seen her for almost a decade. As she never came to visit me. She seemed to feel her life was not here anymore. Which in my opinion is fine, I'm no one to judge what makes each of us happy in our lives. So when I got onto myspace, I did search her out and found her and we became a connection but she hardly ever talked to me. I mean really hardly ever said anything to me. Now isn't that another smack-in-the-face fucked up relationship status for us?

So I wrote her a letter and said it was bullshit and said "I'm here. You know where to find me if you ever want to have a relationship." Years passed and I heard nothing. Then she Facebooked me after I made my mom a page and they became friends. She said, "let's try this again". I said "ok" whatever. And we talked ok for awhile in that same textbook answer way we have for as long as I can remember. Meaning, I write something and she answers what I ask or comments back to what I say in her very perfect etiquette way with what is her level of sincerity now. Which is below what it used to be when we were growing up, and that says something, considering she was fairly textbook back then too. Hell maybe it was always at this current level towards me, I just only noticed it more after she went away. To me this sucks. I mean, great at least we were talking, this time, but I can't be textbook so I stepped it up a notch. I started trying to talk, talk to her. Meaning giving my opinion.

Now, apparently, she likes to party as that is plastered all over her page, so not understanding her actual position for her job I asked. When she answered that she was a sales rep for a vodka company and in charge of all these things I said in response that that was "good" though it sounded like she was on her way to professional rehab (I kept that judgment to myself cause I shouldn't judge). She didn't say anything back. Then when I got pregnant and she didn't congratulate my post I emailed her about that and she didn't say anything again. Then someone who she knew who apparently also knew me friended me and I didn't really remember him so I emailed her again asking her to give me some memory as to who this person was and whether I should accept his request or ignore him. She didn't say anything back again (I ended up offending him by declining his request cause I didn't remember him). When a couple of weeks went by and I saw her post an anti-sonogram status message I emailed her again and said I was sad she had not returned any of my previous emails and also disheartened by her anti-sonogram post. Though she clarified in the post and to me again that it was not anti-sonogram so much as anti-posting sonograms on your Facebook account that was her pet peeve. Which means she chose, in my eyes, a bad quote to quote to express her point of view. Jimmy Fallon calling sonogram pictures drawings of aliens is not the post you post to say you don't think posting sonogram pictures to Facebook is appropriate.

This aggravated me. So I decided to let her know what one of my pet peeves is about people not having care about what they post on Facebook. Yes, this is basically the same pet peeve that she had except I defended posting sonogram pictures cause they are symbolic, and posting your who-ha and ta-tas all over your page, that you use for networking as well as family and friends, is inappropriate to me. So here is how that all went down...

21 March at 17:31

M-

I'm sorry for not responding to your message although I was incredibly excited to hear the news (of which I told my dad). I have not actually logged onto Facebook in about a month - only status updates on my phone. I have been traveling all month for work. Please don't take it personal, you are way off base.

In the case of the guy who friended you, I haven't talked to anyone in Pennsylvania in eleven years - sorry I couldn't be of help.

Lastly, I'm sorry for your loss. I hear it is very common for the first pregnancy especially before the 8-12wk mark. I had you in my thoughts and prayers.

As far as my post - I GET an ULTRASOUND and its a BEAUTIFUL thing for your close, close friends and family. I'm sorry if I think it is something more personal than just another pic to post up on the WORLD WIDE WEB. Just my opinion which I am entitled to and explained. If you would have read all of it you would have seen that I do not have a pet peeve for ultrasounds - just the posting of them on Facebook.

I hope you are doing okay with everything.

XO

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T,

I know you have been traveling a lot for your job, I do see all your updates, and you do seem to be all over Cali.

In the S. thing, it wasn't about whether you talked to him any time of recent, I was asking for you to help me out with memories. Like was I missing a memory that I shouldn't have been, therefore a reason why he would have friended me. I know you don't talk with anyone from pa anymore really, which makes me, personally, wonder why you aren't more choosy with who you add as your friend on Facebook. I know you are an extremely friendly person but everyone you have known or met in your life doesn't have to be your Facebook friend...

Which leads up to the ultrasound pic thing...

I know personally, I would post my ultrasound pic (when I get one) on here because I only have those in my family, close co-workers and friends on here. I wouldn't be posting it for the whole worldwide web. I can't obviously speak for your friends, but that may have been their thought too. Since you are friends with so many people that may just be why you are seeing those posts. Though Facebook has added the option that you can hide posts from anyone you don't want to see posts for. Just a thought. If you need to know how to do that on here just ask.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers for me, though I am ok. I am aware that it is common. Though this is my second miscarriage, I still know it is a common thing. I will be talking with my doctor in April to make sure all is ok with me internally. We will probably try again this summer. But we'll see, we're in no rush.

Lastly~ You state in a matter of speaking, at least I think, that people should be careful or more choosy with what they post on the world wide web. I think you may want to heed your own advice a little more. It seems to me you want two things out of your Facebook page. It seems you want to be on here to network and to keep in touch with those you cant see all the time that are close to you. To avoid pet peeves in the future I think maybe you should streamline your Facebook page to a personal page and make a different page that you can network on. I say this also because the pictures you post of yourself, most are not bad but some are not appropriate for being on your page or someone else's that links you to them all the time. I mean any pic taken of you is up here whether tasteful or not. Which if it was just a close-knit circle you were showing them to that would be fine. But every time you go out with Darryl, for instance, and you get crazy, everyone your friends with along with everyone he is friends with gets a notice that they can look a the pictures. Because when he uploads them he probably doesn't filter who can see them. Meaning I and all you two are friends with have access to his picture database. Just an f.y.i cause I truly don't think you know this. I may not see or talk with you often at all but I think I know that you would have more care with your page if you knew that everyone can see what your up to whether you tell it or one of your close friends is. This is why you may want to make a separate page for your work colleagues and people you meet while your out and about, that doesn't include any personal pics of yourself (this too will head off any wackos). I only say this cause I care and am slightly concerned. You can even call it one of my pet peeves that people don't take more caution what they air on the world wide web that I would think is more personal than a sonogram picture, that most people again cannot make out anyways. People can make out a 25 yr old giving money to a male dancer, giving a lap dance to a guy that may or may not be her boyfriend and a girl who is pictured to look like she parties a lot. Again just a thought, take it for what you want or ignore my comments it makes no matter to me, I love you but your life is definitely your own. When I say all this don't think I'm being judgmental when I do, cause I'm not judging your lifestyle at all just what you personally post and allow to be posted about yourself.

XO

M.

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M-

Not going to lie - weird messages lately as if I have personally offended you. I was very happy to reconnect with you but you seem to be terribly offended/concerned, etc with my life.

All of the people I am friends with on FB I actually have real experiences with or shared, fond childhood memories. I also add a lot because I live in a city with 4 million people, not to mention lived in another large city for quite some time as well. With that said, I also do not add a lot of people.

I know it is hard to believe because we really don't know each other as adults but I am fine with my Facebook page and open to questions. For starters - I'm only 26 and building my life in one of the largest cities in our country. Not only do I manage all sales/marketing operations for an offshore company, but I also take care of my amazing dog, and work with charitable organizations almost on a weekly basis. I'm not pointing this out to say "hey look at me" I'm pointing it out to show that I function on a very strict schedule. I start my mornings around 6 and finish after midnight. I run triathlons and am preparing to finish my law degree (I don't think a person would a true problem could maintain).

Please recognize that your last email came off very judgmental. I am VERY close with my friends and family. Those who know me know the men on my page are GAY - that was not a male stripper, it was a GAY go-go dance at The Abbey (famous restaurant/bar).

Yes, I am out A LOT. I dance A LOT. I have FUN A LOT. I do not do drugs (still have never gotten involved with narcotics) and my drinking is limited. I have to go out and make sure my product is placed/moving/selling in my accounts and I do that best during business hours.

You were judging my lifestyle (please re-read your message) based on perception and or your own opinions. As family & friend, I would expect questions of "concern" that I would be happy to answer. And to be honest, I'm okay with saying yes - I am always on the run and I am out more than I am in...BECAUSE I CAN and there will be in time in my life where I will have priorities outside of myself.

I hope you can see how you have come off. I haven't judged you even for a second about anything. If it seems like I'm firing back a bit..yes. You come into my life only to criticize me when it is completely unwarranted and unfair.

I hope this doesn't "end" our effort to stay in contact. However, I cannot apologize for living my life as a fun-loving, young, city-centered woman.

I do want to end with this: I love you - you're family and my message is not to start a circle of tit for tat. I honestly was just taken back.

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22 March at 22:03

T,

And I didn't want you to apologize for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was exactly the response I was hoping you WOULDNT make.

Because NO I was not judging your life, it's your life, live it, however. Please fucking live it, however. MY POINT WAS.... please don't make comments that other people should have more care about what they post on Facebook when the same argument could be made to you!

As it was your pet peeve about the sonograms

It is mine, and maybe someone else's, that you post a lot of things that we wouldn't consider "postable" material.

Not because you shouldn't live the life you live but because your life can be misconstrued by someone not involved in it daily.

So I appreciate the recap on your life but I was not making reference to all the great things you do in your life but, YOU MADE MY POINT.

I don't know everything and everyone in your life so to me and anyone else not completely up-to-date on all the things you have posted can be mistaken to mean something they don't. GET MY POINT.

I WASNT JUDGING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST CONCERNED.

I don't understand why you misunderstand what I write so often. I do reread what I send you and I don't speak a foreign language and just as an extra precaution I read what I write to my mom or dave so that I make sure I'm making the correct point and three times now you have misunderstood things I have written, so I have again reread them to make sure I wasn't mistaken. Only to see that no I was clear about what I was saying.

I am so pissed right now.

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23 March at 23:06

Honestly, T., I don't know why it was so important for you to keep in contact with me. We have grown very far apart. it's great to know that we are each alive and well but we could truly find that out from our parents. I really don't need to get worked up about someone who gets defensive about something that I say that I clearly stated you could "take it for what you want or ignore my comments, it makes no matter to me".

I do care about you, that's why I voice my opinion but since you clearly never understand what I'm saying. I will refrain. If it is that big of a deal to you I will not delete you from my page but ill "hide" your posts so I don't see what your up to so I don't feel the need to comment about anything.

Furthermore... if anyone who knew me through you from the past contacts me ill just ignore them from the get-go so that I don't have to send you "weird" messages in the future and if anything big happens in my life ill let you hear it from your dad.

That may seem, TO YOU, harsh or unmerited but I need to do certain things in my life to be able to avoid crap like this that I know I get involved in because of who I am.

With that said, I'm done talking about this. If you email me back with misunderstandings again I will simply not reply back.

I love you too, you are my family, but blood means nothing to me in the sense of having a relationship. I will love you forever regardless, and also do not want tit for tat either, but I do not have to have a relationship with you because you are blood.

She accused me of judging her, though I clearly stated I was not doing that, just stating that if she was going to address what people post that I would as well. She obviously did not like this at all. Though she wanted to make sure I knew she loved me but that she was taken back by what I had inferred. I said I was tired of her assuming I was saying something I was clearly not. That it was bad enough she did it before but that she was continuing even when I had stated exactly what I meant and was addressing. So even though I love her very much (that was why I cared whether she posted her who-ha and ta-ta's all over the place) and will love her forever cause she was my blood cousin, that didn't mean that we had to have a relationship and that I didn't know why it was so important to her that we did. Furthermore, I would hide all her posts so that I wouldn't feel the need to comment on anything she posted from then on cause I didn't want her misunderstanding me anymore.

Was I harsh? Yes, I know I was. I was a bitch, plain and simple. I do actually feel bad for being that mean about it, but she pissed me off beyond belief. Though that is truly no excuse. However, I will not feel bad for the end result solely based on the fact that she didn't make an attempt to rectify anything at all, she simply accepted the end as I presented it. Sometimes not saying anything at all says everything all at once.