Never as We Planned

It's been years since I’ve seen you. I don’t know what I would do or how I would handle being face to face with you again. My heart could melt, burst, implode or I could feel nothing. Numb to the sight of you, but I know myself; you were a large part of my life, and you broke me when there was already nothing left to break.

Four months before I met you:

My life has been turned into a hurricane of emotions and disappointment. I don’t even mean emotions like getting my period and I don’t mean being disappointed because I hadn’t been picked for the volleyball team. Any Normal 13-year-old girl would be all wrapped up in the little things from jr. high and the excitement of high school just being around the corner. Instead, my family and myself sat in the hospital, on the edges of our seats anxiously starring at the two automatic doors. Only a month and a half ago we were a happy busy team. We had learned as a family that she carried a mass on her brain stem, and that mass was cancerous. But how? This beautiful 16-year-old girl, who had done nothing to deserve something so tragic and terrifying to be thrown into her usually energetic life somewhere with her life in these talented and generous doctors' hands who did everything they could to keep her in our lives and on this earth. I remember that day and I will always remember, the doors opened, the doctors came, they talked to my parents and everything seemed as promising as they could. We went to the hotel, showered, calmed down and tried to get some sleep before the morning when we finally got to see her again.

Nothing went the way we had planned.

I woke up to the hotel phone ringing, it was my uncle and he was on his way to pick my brother and myself up. I could tell something wasn’t right. The panic in his voice but the kind you try to cover up but can’t make it convincing.

When we got there, my parents calmly explained that her blood pressure had dropped over night. They told us there was a chance she wasn’t going to ever wake up. I was numb, 13 and facing oblivion. Every part of her short life I took advantage of the fact that she was there. My big sister.

We as a family said goodbye, my mom couldn’t stand, my dad couldn’t make direct eye contact, my self and my brothers, we stood together. Each of us as a family had one hand on her. And as a family we said goodbye.

I was lost, the world felt empty, there was no bright side. Then, I met you. one year and three months after we lost her.

Year one

You brought me light, supporting me through many nights where I didn’t want to wake up. The days I wished it was me and not her, you helped me in so many ways.

I’m unsure of what happened, there was so much love between us in the beginning. You gave me every part of you for us being so young. Then some sort of switch flipped. We both changed. I won’t blame you for everything. You began to hate the sight of me, you became jealous of any and every person in my life. You thought my friends weren’t good for me, you thought I needed to be with you every second of every day. I needed to be at every family function but it was the biggest argument for you to attend mine. You thought I was yours.

Things changed again. You hit me. My glasses are broken and I need a story to tell my parents. What do I say? I fell, no they won’t believe it. They didn’t, but I convinced them it’s true.

Year two

It’s gotten even worse. You’ve tried to remove me from your moving truck on the highway going 120 km/hr. I fight back, my arms, back, legs, and rips are bruised and the story’s are getting ridiculous. I don’t know what else to do. How do I leave? He’s going to hurt me even more. Or himself, he threatens every time I try to leave. I endure. There’s good days where everything is just like the beginning. He saved me then. Maybe he needs saving now? I stay. I endure. We go back and forth from good to unbearable fighting and pain. Being tossed around like a rag doll he owns.

Year three

Things continued, and I was changing more. I knew what I deserved. And this was not it. I was fighting back more. Fighting for other relationships. I fought for myself, I decided you didn’t own me. I was done, and I was strong enough to walk away and know I didn’t owe you anything, besides a thank you. For showing me exactly what I don’t want in a relationship, for showing me how strong I really am. You made me realize I am not an object by treating me like one for so long. And respect, since you never respected anything I wanted or how I felt. You showed me that I deserve to be loved. Although you weren’t the guy to be fully capable of loving me, I know there is someone out there who is.

This time, I saved myself.