MY UTERUS BETRAYED ME.....

MY UTERUS BETRAYED ME……….

Or did I betray...it?

I have two kids. Beautiful, healthy children that are the lights of my life. But, it wasn’t an easy road. My first son was a natural oops. I say natural oops because well, he was...but it doesn’t mean he isn’t My Sunshine. I wanted him from the start, no question at all. He came early though, he wanted out. 6 weeks early and spent the first 5 weeks of his beautiful life in the NICU. He was beautiful and perfect….and we went throught hell.

And there lies the start of my uterine journey. <3.

I have been pregnant 7 times, yes, 7; My son, two abortions, an ectopic, 2 miscarriages, and finally, my miracle Rainbow baby. Please don’t think horrific thoughts of me because of the abortions...way controversial for some, I know…...but for me was the hardest choices and by far the best ones I made. The first was almost fatal for me as I went into shock, and my blood pressure plummeted...Fuck Planned Parenthood. Sorry for all you lovers out there, but they almost killed me. I swear this is what destroyed my uterus to start. Some of you may say well, you deserve that because how dare you “kill”. I was VERY early on, and maybe I wouldve miscarried if I waited, true…..but I couldnt chance it and made the most horrifying best decision I could’ve at that time. I was ALWAYS against abortion...until it happened to me, and I can respect the choice any woman can make if it’s the best possible choice.

I conceived again and again had to make that choice..please don’t judge.

After that, the ectopic came………….. One of my most painful surgeries, and a loss of my fallopian tube on the left side. A build up of scar tissue came, and I now have chronic pain, and the constant reminder of the events involved in that ordeal. My fiance had gotten another woman pregnant at that time, and also, why thank you, gave me chlamydia which is probably how the ectopic came to be….also the damage to my uterus from the first abortion.

When I met my husband, we couldn’t wait to add to our family, and the trials began. After the blighted ovum...we were devastated at the news that due to my multiple failed pregnancies, it was most likely the probability that it would never happen. I was told to give up unless we wanted the route of IVF. We decided that well, I had my son and maybe it could be fun giving it the old college try. Then, The Rainbow after the storm. My little miracle happened…..i couldnt believe when the stick was pink. Im sure many of you can relate to the ecstatic feelings we had….we had overcome the impossible….it was real. I lived in fear for those 8 months constantly thinking that it wouldn’t hold up and that due to my mistreatment of my own uterus….i failed myself and this was my punishment.

I was wrong.

He came early also, but only 3.5 weeks. However, since week 24 on throughout that pregnancy, I was in and out of the hospital every week….in active labor...they would fight to keep him in there as long as humanly possible….magnesium drips and steroid shots, and hospital food would be my life for 4 months approximately. Everything turned out fine in the end. He was delivered by Cesarean the day before Thanksgiving that year and wow was I grateful.

For years I blamed myself for all that went wrong…..that I failed my body, and my body was failing me….my punishment for the abortions maybe? I couldn’t help but shake the feeling. Until I found my doctor who explained everything in terms I understood….

After my Rainbow was born I couldn’t stop the bleeding…..I would bleed through everything in very short periods of time…..it was painful, it was messy...it was devastating. Why…..why was this happening?!

I opted for the cryo-ablation...a very painfull procedure in which the lining of your uterus is FROZEN OFF, and you are not supposed to be able to have any more kids…..but no more periods! No more pain!

IT DIDN’T FUCKING WORK.

That year, the only other option I had was to have a hysterectomy…..

After all i had been through with this uterus of mine, I was happy and relieved that maybe, just maybe, this would finally fix, and “seal the deal”. I wouldn’t have to constantly worry anymore or be in pain, or bleed! Ahhhhh ladies….marvelous right?

No one really prepares you for the emotional trauma that this particular solution could cause. As excited I was at the thought of this, I couldnt shake it that I wouldnt be a “complete” woman anymore. After boobs ladies,......those are our parts! Thats what defines the womanhood right?! I felt like….i was empty. I wasn’t whole……..I wasn’t a real woman anymore. I went into a huge depression…...I felt like I betrayed myself, my body, my kids and my husband.

I’m still on the mend.

Ladies…………… forgive yourselves and love yourselves for everything you are. Choices in life may leave us feeling empty and alone, but maybe, just maybe….there’s something to it.

Did my uterus betray me? Or did I betray...it.