My Self-Perfectionism Prevented Me From Feeling Pure Love. But Now I Feel It. Now I Live it!

I've fallen in "love" many times in my life. But I started loving for the first time in my 30s, really strongly, and mutually for almost two years now.

I had several obstacles on the way to the first heartfelt love if I characterize them in three words ( well, almost 3):

1. excessively vulnerable egoism 

2. combined with vanity (the desire for self-admiration and admiration by the opposite sex),

 3. and the absence of a mutual kindred soul that would help taste pure love's flavor.

It was not narcissism, but rather unrealized narcissism that couldn't be fulfilled because of its utopianism. I didn't want to deceive myself and I didn't want to be flattered. I'm too honest with myself. It's helped me to a certain extent.

In practice, the obstacles on the way to the satisfaction of my selfish goals were:

Еxcessive curiosity and absorption of negative information 

Studying women I focused on negative aspects. Moreover, there are even various forums or YouTube channels that parasitize on highlighting only the negative sides of different groups of people, in particular women or men.

They also generalize everyone into one pile, greatly exaggerating and mixing truth with lies. We inherently trust negative reviews more than positive ones. 

Or rather it depends on the type of thinking because some people believe positive information more often than negative one. I'm a type 1 personality.

For example, when purchasing on Amazon I, like many of you, will first of all pay attention to negative reviews. 

In my case, this concentration on the negative, led to a shift in the center of gravity from a positive view, which I had until I was about 14–16 years old, to a negative one, which was at its maximum at age 26–28. 

If you suffer from perfectionism and are quite vulnerable in that sense, the first thing you need to do is stop visiting resources that cause you excessive negativity, resentment, judgment, aggression, and depression.

You need to realize that some of these resources are aimed at vilifying women or men, and in fact, this makes them money, for some it's even more of an idea than a source of income and an attempt to heal their personal traumas.

But revenge (in the form of judgment, aggression, slander) and negativism don't cure, it only makes things worse. My beloved girlfriend also used to read negative sources (comments on Instagram photos and forums) that hurt her and almost despaired from finding her one and only love ❤️(I mean myself, haha)

She also focused on negativism until recently. It should be noted, however, that a few positive examples (both female and male) have kept us from breaking our faith in pure love.

Therefore, if we show our pure love in public, our only goal should not be to cause envy in others, but on the contrary, to support them and convince them that pure love exists.

Comparing ourselves to others is a big mistake

The more we study ourselves and others, the more we find flaws in ourselves. Forgetting that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, which are not always obvious. No one is perfect. 

In each of us, there is something beautiful, internal or external, it's impossible to be ideal and flawless, you can only be good at one or the other, in what each of us is awarded,

high intelligence, kindness and generosity, high spiritual qualities, physical strength or skill, eloquence, courage, or a sense of humor. Charisma is often a gift, too.

Appearance characteristics can't be perfect for everyone. Advertising makes people believe that something is ideal, and since you lack that "perfect", you need to buy something. As a person who knows about marketing, I know what I'm talking about.

Moreover, there is no such thing as a person being or even appearing to be flawless. Behavior and character can both uglify a very beautiful appearance and decorate the usual appearance.

At some point it came to the fact that I had a list of criteria, and if a girl had at least one point from this list, I excluded her from the field of view as a potential my love, it was like a mental block. 

I'm not going to go into the small details of my self-perfectionism. But I'll give you a primitive example, and I think a lot of people who have this problem will recognize themselves.

 Well, it's like "If she is a fan of a club that is a rival of my favorite club, it prevents me from loving her", only my triggers concerned more personal characteristics, you know, for example, if she likes very tall guys I can't love her, because I have to either make too big a sacrifice or it's not possible at all.

It's not just complexes, because I'm quite satisfied with my height, it's a desire for perfection and impatience for second place. Striving for perfection and the desire to be irresistible leads us to dead ends, if mainly because it's an unrealizable utopia. 

Each quality, sometimes opposite, is beautiful in itself. Moreover, I have come to realize that each of us is given as many opportunities and talents as are useful to us from a spiritual point of view, everything has a meaning.

That is, when we receive talents or awards, there is a meaning in it, just as when we do not receive something, there is also a cautionary or protective meaning in it.

I recently came across the words of someone who said, "To avoid envy of other people's talents and successes, the only person I compete with and try to exceed every day is myself".

 This approach allows us to reach our maximum potential while keeping us from the pain of comparison and envy, which often leaves perfectionists in a depressed state of "all or nothing".

The more I grow up, the more I realize and feel it. Once I wanted to be under 2 meters tall, and now I feel completely satisfied with my average height. Moreover, even our unattractive flaws can be very attractive and special to someone, or even an advantage.

A kindred and mutual person has a better chance of becoming beloved

It is very important in my opinion to meet a person close in spirit, without forcing the relationship, staying in friendly relations as long as possible, studying the character, principles, and views of each other.

This will definitely protect you from unnecessary traumas and disappointments in a state when you are not ready to hear everything at once. 

My girlfriend is my closest person in the world, we are different but we both feel like puzzle pieces of each other. Our love, friendship, and sense of kinship neutralize our traumatic triggers related to our self-perfectionism.

If we had known all the layers of each other's souls two years ago, it might have repulsed us. Because we weren't ready to hear it then. 

But when we recognized each other's particularities after we fell in love mutually and sincerely, it not only didn't scare us away but in some way, it even attached us more strongly to each other.

Sincerity is also very important because people in relationships sometimes don't tell the truth or lie to be liked, but these lies often make things worse.

Sincerity is also very important because people in relationships sometimes don't tell the truth or lie to be liked, but these lies often make things worse. 

Mutual sincerity causes a sense of trust and binds stronger. And also the truth as my experience shows always remains brighter and more positive than lies.

Nevertheless, it is important. When you meet a sincere, very dear, and mutual person you feel as if you are floating above all traumas and triggers. In a state of love, respect, and trust we see everything as if with different eyes, Love transformed me.

Nevertheless, it is important. When you meet a sincere, very dear, and mutual person you feel as if you are floating above all traumas and triggers. In a state of love, respect, and trust we see everything as if with different eyes. Love transformed me.

So I can summarize the things that have helped me to discover love

-Becoming sincere and open to pure love.

-Finding a kindred reciprocal person who also longs for pure love.

-At least you should not repel each other in appearance and character, or better yet, attract each other.

-Not to rush into any relationship, preferring to be friends for a longer period.

-Stop visiting toxic places that make you depressed and desperate about love

-Do not rush to find out everything about a person very quickly, because without loving his soul mutually, this information may seem too sharp.

 -But all the sharp points are better to find out before entering into a relationship.

My way may not work for everyone, but it's a more reliable path for self-perfectionists than the one based on quick conclusions and rapid progression of stages of relationships. I want to end my story with a wonderful quote from the Bible that I first experienced in a relationship with my first true love after 30 years.

1 Corinthians 13:4–14:5 (Epistle)

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…"