My Other Baby

by Annie Button 2 years ago in grief

I am a mom to a now 18 month old daughter, but I also have a baby in heaven.

My Other Baby

I went out to the local bar on my 20th birthday, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. But with only doing the baby making deed on days that I was not ovulating, I thought it was near impossible of actually happening.

Well, on the day after my birthday I started to get curious. My husband went out and bought a pregnancy test, I was going to save it for the first morning pee... I couldn't wait. Around 3pm I decided that I'd take it. It was instant, there was no five to ten minute wait. Instantly a plus sign, I was pregnant. I was so nervous. My husband and I talked about it before and wanted more kids. But I was in shock. A part of me started to get excited. I love my daughter and I am going to love this baby too. But another part of me was scared, already we need some help here and there and I could see the disappointment in my family. Getting an abortion crossed my mind more than once. But I couldn't do that, I loved this baby, I just felt so alone in my happiness. My husband and friends were happy about the baby.

I was stressed and conflicted. Caught between preparing for this new life, and being a disappointment to myself. I kept saying to myself that we would figure everything out and everything would be fine. But the stress was too much.

I started bleeding barely a week after discovering my pregnancy. I didn't think much of it because when I was around 4 weeks pregnant with my daughter I had implantation bleeding. I went into the hospital the next day just to reassure myself that nothing was wrong. My cervix was closed and there was no worry, I was sent for an ultrasound. I kept bleeding but waited for my ultrasound. I was told,

"Either the baby is still too small or has already passed."

Once again my world was flipped. I tried to stay positive because I had grown attached to the baby that I wasn't even sure was still inside me.

Well the bleeding continued and being concerned I went into the hospital again. They had me take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I was a little relieved but again worried because I was back to thinking about expenses and how my toddler will take a new baby. Still conflicted. I was put on bed rest and was told to act as though I am pregnant and wait it out.

Well I waited, and it was a month later. I took another pregnancy test. Negative.

My baby is gone. Without any warning. I am heartbroken. As a mother I always want what is best, and I can't come to closure with this. My baby is gone.

That is not the end of my story. My story is continuing, and I hate it. I've been asked if I want to try again. A part of me does, but it will never fill my void. As of right now I am a mother to more than just one baby. My daughter is a big sister. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this. All the regret and pain I feel. It is sickening, physically and emotionally. I am tired of keeping my emotions in the dark. I also don't want to burden anyone with my sadness...

All I have left of you...

grief
Annie Button
Annie Button
Read next: Understanding the Effects of Addiction on the Family