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My mother gave me my body

by sara smith 8 days ago in parents
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How my mother made me love myself by hating myself

The day my mother gave birth to me was the day she says she instantly loved me. All those years she held onto that love through the process of taking care of a needy baby, to a temper tantrum filled toddler, all the way to a moody teenager, until I finally became an adult who was responsible for herself. Unfortunately, all that love she feels for me wasn't so easily passed over to how I feel about myself.

My mother is a bigger woman, but she magically finds clothing that looks great on her. Not only that, but it seems her size never stops her from being her extroverted and happy self. She has this ability to make friends wherever she goes, everyone loves her. I remember a time she talked to a woman waiting in line to enter a waterpark and somehow we managed to get in for free since the woman had passes that let her bring friends.

I am nothing like my mother. I am extremely shy and scared to talk to everyone. There's a reason I've never dated anyone. It's gone so far that she started calling me the ice queen in regards to how I interact with starngers. I let my size stop me from being confident like she is. I'm afraid to wear the type of clothing she wears because it shows people that I'm not skinny. I let my weight stop me from doing what I want to do because I'm afraid of what people might think. She is not afraid.

I'm not that big, I fall more into the mid-size range, but that makes me feel even worse about how I feel about my body. My mother is plus size so I feel like I can't talk about this with her without seeming like I have it harder than she does. I don't understand what it's like to not be able to hide my weight behind the fabric of an oversized hoodie and loose jeans. I don't understand being judged for eating certain foods based on the health they provide.

I do understand working out just to look the same because my body doesn't lose weight that fast. I do understand not being able to hide my weight in a bathing suit, but while I wear a shirt over mine, my mother just wears hers with confidence, and she looks great.

It's unfair I have to be stuck in my body, uncomfortable in my skin and afraid of clothes, when she gets to exist in hers, as if it was some sort of accessory that everyone has. It's unfair that I have to learn how to be like her if I want to be happy with myself. It's that or do some unhealthy diet.

So, mother, thank you. Thank you for making this my only challenge. You are my role model in life, showing me size shouldn't matter. You show me how I should be while providing me clothing that makes me happy despite what my body looks like under it and a good portion of food that keeps me healthy and full. You provide me shelter to hide under when the world makes me feel dreadful and you provide me space because you know what it's like to be in my shoes, feeling like no one could possibly love someone that looks like me. Thank you for showing me that those thoughts aren't true and that if I want love, I have to work for it, because that's what is important to any relationship. Thank you mother, for giving me your body and for giving me the tools I need to learn how to love myself.

parents

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sara smith

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