My Mother and The Monster

My mother has traumatized me so much its very hard for me to find my self worth and to form meaningful healthy relationships. From a very young age I knew my mother was two people, whom I term " The Mother" and : "The Monster." From a very young age I knew my mom was a highly anxious person that was quick to anger. I remember as young as 6 years old I would rather sleep in my wet bed then admit to mom that I had a normal childhood accident. I feared her reaction. She would yell endlessly, and belittle me. Strangely as a mother to young children she was very loving and protective. But as soon as she divorced my biological father, she was determined to keep us to herself. She engaged in parental alienation syndrome. This is when one parent convinces the children that the other parent is essentially bad and does everything in their power to harm the relationship with the other parent or keeps the children away from them completely. My mom said from a young age that woman should never depend on a man and that they were inferior to woman. She told us our dad was an alcoholic loser who had the inability to care for us. We were told not to say things around him about what was going on at home. My mom was very abusive and several times he tried to conceive us to live with him, but mom would cry and say she was sorry and say she was the only one that had the ability to care for us. When I tell you of the abuse that has occurred, it may be a trigger warning for some. It really is that bad. Please know I am now safe and as happy as one can be given the circumstances. The important thing is I survived. I often would pray to God " why is this happening to me I can't take anymore." I would hear a silent voice say " so you can tell others your story."

Moms abusive behavior really started getting out of control when when I turned 12. She hated her life and her marriage so she took it out on us. I was a twin who had cerebral palsy and did not use any assistive devices even though I fell all the time. My mom wanted me to look as normal as I could. As a result I was not allowed to use assistive devices and fell up to 10 times a day, on a good day maybe 1 0r 2 0r 3. It was just my normal, No one was permitted to " help" me in anyway as I had to be as independent as possible. That meant being forced upstairs with no railing and no help, I still to this day have NO IDEA why I didn't fall backwards and cut my head open. God had a hand in that. I was not helped out of the car or to the door so if I fell in the snow for example I was stuck there until I could get up. It was even more painful when I forgot my mitts, I will never forget such pain. Sometimes they left me there for a half hour and barely recognized when I made it in. It was so normalized in my family that at my fathers farm where there were inches of snow I would just fall and fall and get stuck and they just made it inside the warm home and forgot I existed. So the farm dog ironically named " fence" would never leave my side. Every time I fell he would let me use his back to get up. Then Since dad never put a railing on the stairs I would use his back as a railing to get up every step. He was white as snow, and his heart was so pure he was my little savior. He knew He had to stay by my side and for that he was my angel.

My family had been conditioned to hate me and found me to be an annoying burden. I tell you I never formed self worth, but I prayed and believed God loved me through it all. At 12 my mom started her self centered behaviors and ignored we existed. She stopped making dinner, we had to fend for ourselves. She spent all night talking to her friends on the phone and ignoring us. She never helped us with homework even though my sister and I had a learning disability. My sisters often beat me up leaving scratches and scars all over my body. So much so that in grade 4 a social worker came to my school pulled me aside and made me tell her who was hurting me. It didn't save me however, my mom yelled her way out of it. My mom and sisters would push their hands away as a reached out for support for balance so I fell. I never felt safe, I was so anxious and afraid. My mother told me " I can't believe I created you, I can't believe you came from me." I had scoliosis but she refused to believe it so she thought my back issues were from not standing straight enough. She made fun of my back often and told me I was a hunch back. At 34 to this day she doesn't believe I have it, when I have held the proof in my hands.

The abusive continued to get more vile and heartless as I entered high school. My mom had gone through her second divorce and now was a complete sociopath. If we even left a crumb on the table when she came home she would hit you, throw plates, scream in your face and terrorize you. She would kick us out of the home at any time and we had moments to collect some clothes' and our homework and go to our stepdads house. We lived in a basket for all of high school. She once kicked me out of the house with only enough time to put on my shoes and no jacket. I walked to the bus stop knowing I could not fall as it could be fatal . She liked to scream in your face in a way that made you feel like you were going deaf. She would pretend to hit us so every time someone made a sudden moment we would cover our faces in fear. She never gave up an opportunity to tell us how much she hated us and how much we ruined her life. Then somedays she was our mother, but to get there she often had to drink several glasses of wine. She seemed to think that we ruined her life and chance at being happy. She even admitted at Christmas one year that she was going to abandons us and move to china when we were in high school.

My mom continued to abandon me and abuse me in my 20s. Abandoning me in group homes and even a homeless shelter because she had no desire to care for me. The last thing she said to me was, " I have no feeling of love towards you, I have shut that off. I have no empathy for you and no obligation to care for you as your mother. The last time I tried to have her come over because I had gone septic again and was undergoing IV antibiotics for two weeks at home. I was so sick, weak and scared and and even though she only lives 10 minutes away she said she did not have time to see me because " she had a full time job and dogs to take care off." My mom didn't care that I was suffering, her needs come first and she has the inability to walk in my shoes. I often wondered if my mom loved me, and she finally told me the truth. I knew her heart was too cold to feel anything for me, because she only cared about herself. I always think maybe one day she will change. But one thing she told me really sold the whole narcissistic personality thing. She said your step father knows I don't love him as much as he loves me and that's how I like it." Her husband was money and security and someone to admire her and make her feel important. She did not need to love or value him or treat him with respect. Till this day my stepfather is willingly tortured by this woman verbally but hey he is willing to stay.

So how does one love themselves after so much trauma? I have no idea. I have PTSD, anxiety, night terrors and severe depression. I am so incredibly anxious all the time. I never feel safe. I don't trust people. But I know my mom has it coming. She too will experience a disabled old body. Is it bad that I personally cannot wait?