I am a 34 year old with an hours Ba in Sexuality Marriage and Family and a 3 year general Ba in Social Development Studies. I also have a diploma in Social Work studies. I consider myself an activist for the disabled community.
What is parental alienation syndrome?
In my childhood I experienced two heartbreaking divorces. My mother and my step father were getting a divorce after 7 plus years and my father and stepmother were divorcing after 7 plus years. Meaning they divorced at the same time. I was taught to love and respect all four of my parents. Suddenly it was a war zone. I had to choose who I was loyal too. I was in the middle. All of them said disgusting things about the other in our presence like they wanted our agreement and approval.
How my mothers hatred towards me almost killed me and my future
I was recently very sick and my body was never the same. All of a sudden I could not participate in society like I used to. My legs were too weak. But to add to my anguish and fear my family expected me to be the same person they always remembered and if I needed more help- I would be the victim of there anger and frustration and yelling. If you have read my stories I got covid went through a kidney infection then had a toe infection for 8 months and I could not walk. I was wheelchair bound and the antibiotics made me so weak I thought my body was shutting down. I couldn't get in a car use a walker or even walk. But they expected me to be able to do whatever they wanted and if I struggled helping me annoyed them like hell. I felt so much rejection.
What it is like having an alcoholic for a father
My dad is a man very hard to describe. In the early years I was sheltered from his destructive behavior. Dads house was a place of true adventure and great holidays. At the time he owned a thriving business because he had not yet become an alcoholic. He was a very rich man, we went on trips to Honduras, Mexico and Cancun. He would take us to sea world, and take us on boat trips for the whole weekend. He owned a wonderful cottage and we played outside all day becoming one with animals and the nature around us. We went to Disney land, and endless trips to there places. He truly left me with a wonderful childhood. He owned a multibillion dollar business and had lots of friends. But as he slipped into alcoholism he would soon loose everything.
My Mother and The Monster
My mother has traumatized me so much its very hard for me to find my self worth and to form meaningful healthy relationships. From a very young age I knew my mother was two people, whom I term " The Mother" and : "The Monster." From a very young age I knew my mom was a highly anxious person that was quick to anger. I remember as young as 6 years old I would rather sleep in my wet bed then admit to mom that I had a normal childhood accident. I feared her reaction. She would yell endlessly, and belittle me. Strangely as a mother to young children she was very loving and protective. But as soon as she divorced my biological father, she was determined to keep us to herself. She engaged in parental alienation syndrome. This is when one parent convinces the children that the other parent is essentially bad and does everything in their power to harm the relationship with the other parent or keeps the children away from them completely. My mom said from a young age that woman should never depend on a man and that they were inferior to woman. She told us our dad was an alcoholic loser who had the inability to care for us. We were told not to say things around him about what was going on at home. My mom was very abusive and several times he tried to conceive us to live with him, but mom would cry and say she was sorry and say she was the only one that had the ability to care for us. When I tell you of the abuse that has occurred, it may be a trigger warning for some. It really is that bad. Please know I am now safe and as happy as one can be given the circumstances. The important thing is I survived. I often would pray to God " why is this happening to me I can't take anymore." I would hear a silent voice say " so you can tell others your story."
What is psychosis
I was 17 when I had my first break with reality, I was likely having my first psychosis episode linked to having bipolar disorder. I had not yet been diagnosed with the disorder, that would happen in my early 20s. For 6 days I did not sleep I was so full of anxiety fear and paranoia I literally could not get my eyes to close. Mental pain is very disturbing, I would rather be in physical pain then be disturbed in this way. Soon I could not distinguish from reality. I was living out illusions in my subconscious reality, or what I believe to be dream state. I couldn't even open my eyes to see the world around me. Can you imagine how scary that was, I knew I was stuck somewhere in my mind and was no longer functioning in the real world. I was in a dream world, being created by my subconscious. I tried to "awaken" myself several times. But I was trapped. Let me describe this way. Have you ever had a nightmare or night terror? Someone is trying to attack you and your telling your body "wake up wake up!" because it feels so real and you are afraid. I was in these dream states for not just a night but days and it was a level of torture I had never known. Because it did not feel like a dream it felt like I was living out every dreadful moment and could not escape. In one of these realities I was in a deadly game. Everyone was being hunted down to be killed and the last to survive would be the winner and allowed to live. While being hunted down my murderers and tortured it felt so real. At one point they were burning my skin with fire and I could feel my skin melting, boiling and burning I was screaming. I often wonder how I was behaving in the outside world. Was I sleeping? Was I screaming bloody murder and being sedated since I wasn't conscious during these times I will never know. When I woke up I believed strange things, like my teeth were gone and had trouble seeing my reflection. I had to get used to being in reality again.
In Bible times, people suffering from the skin disease of leprosy were treated as outcasts. … They were forbidden to have any contact with people who did not have the disease and they had to ring a bell and shout “unclean” if anyone approached them. Nowadays we can heal most aliments, so who among us are the lepers in society? I am going to say something very controversial so please read my entire article before you condemn my thoughts on society. I have lived it, and seen it through the eyes of many people. Let me make my case before you shame me for having these non-conforming thoughts on the behaviors of society . We love to say that everyone is equal in modern society, that enlightenment and education has liberated us from ignorance and human maltreatment. But to believe such a thing makes one uniformed, and means they haven't lived in the dark sides of human reality and experience.
My story is not unique for a person that is considered to have a severe disability. I am an overqualified social services worker. I have a diploma in social work studies, a four year honors in Sexuality marriage and family, and a four year general in social development studies. I studied for 15 years of my life and never developed a career. I walked with a walker and had cerebral palsy in both my legs called spastic diplegia and scoliosis and was recently diagnosed with a painful condition called rheumatoid arthritis . I am always in 8/10 pain.
What I learned battling covid with a severe disability
In November of 2020 I was devastated to learn I had developed diabetes at just 33 years old. Even though it was the beginning of the pandemic my doctor told me I had to be admitted to hospital. I face a few things with fear because I already have a disability called cerebral palsy. Just walking was difficult, painful and very tiring. At this point in my life I was using a walker and had to use personal support workers every morning to shower and get dressed. My life was already very stressful, isolating and depressing. I had few friends, and I never left my apartment.