My Husband's Family Doesn't Like Me (How To Deal With Unfriendly In Laws)

"My in-laws want to see my kids constantly. They drop by the house unexpectedly and stay for long visits. They offer unwanted advice about everything from breast pumps to hemorrhoids."

Can you relate to those statements? If so, then how do you usually respond when your in-laws say or do something you don't like? Do you gossip about them to your spouse, parents, siblings, and friends? Do you hold grudges against them? Do you demand that your mate tell his or her parents to jump off a cliff? If so, then it's time to tweak your behavior a bit so you can start getting your needs met.

Rather than gossiping about your in-laws, why not communicate directly with them to resolve differences? Instead of holding grudges against them, why not set boundaries so their behavior doesn't have such a negative impact on you? Rather than insisting that your spouse handle every disagreement, why not earn their respect by standing up for yourself in an assertive manner? (Sure, there are times when your spouse should confront his own parents, but there are also times when it's appropriate for you to address the problem.)

It's quite possible that you have in-laws from hell, but don't assume that until you've communicated your needs and given them a chance to respond appropriately. They may not realize you feel smothered when they invite themselves over constantly or show up unannounced. They may have no idea that you'd like their visits to be a bit shorter. They may honestly think they are being helpful when they give you advice about how to flatten your tummy.

It's usually not necessary to have a big serious confrontation to communicate your needs. Just be respectfully assertive whenever a problem situation comes up, and set boundaries if necessary. Here are some examples of what I mean:

1) The next time your in-laws call to invite themselves over, you could say, "Tomorrow won't work for me, but next Wednesday would be great if you're free then."

2) If your in-laws show up unexpectedly, feel free to say, "This isn't a good time for me, but you're welcome to come over Saturday evening. From now on, give us a call before you come over-- I'd hate for you to waste a trip if we aren't available." (This approach won't work if your spouse is home and invites his parents in. You don't have control over your spouse's behavior, just your own.)

3) The next time you invite your in-laws for a visit, be specific about what length of time they are welcome to stay. You could say, "We would love for you to come visit us December 23rd through December 26th if you're available then" or "I'm available from noon until 2pm on Friday if you'd like to come over to the house."

4) If your in-laws tend to offer unwanted advice about things like breastfeeding or spanking, you could say, "Thanks for your input, but I've decided to do it this way instead."

In-laws with healthy behavior will respond appropriately when you communicate your needs and draw boundaries. However, in-laws with destructive behavior will choose to be offended and try to make you feel guilty for having needs that conflict with theirs. It's important to stand your ground with controlling, manipulative in-laws. Behave as an adult on an equal level to them. Here are some things you can say if they react negatively when you state your needs and draw boundaries:

1) "You're entitled to your opinion, [Helen], but this isn't up for negotiation." (Make sure you call her by first name because calling her "Mrs. [Smith]" or "Mom" may encourage her to dominate you.)

2) "I'm sorry you're upset, [Harry], but I still need for you to [call first before coming over]." (That lets him know you are aware that he isn't happy about the situation, but that you still expect him to respect your needs.)

3) "[Helen], I'm not willing to discuss this anymore. Is there something you'd like to talk about instead?"

You can't control your in-laws' behavior, but you can control the way their behavior affects you.

Marriage Musts - Couple Time

In an effort to learn all I can on relationships, I often read magazines, articles, and books about the topic. One of the key areas I see repeated over and over is that to have a successful marriage you must carve out couple time. The mere fact that so much advice is centered on this one concept makes me wonder why men and women just don't get it!

When you were dating you carved out time for each other, no matter the pressures of everyday life. You could not fall in love without that time together. This begs the question; don't you think to sustain that love that you must also make time for one another even now?

Shared activities and interest are the perfect starting point for couple time. You both enjoy gardening - so garden together! The only requirement is that you must spend time "together". This means that activities such as the movies are out, however; a sit down dinner without the kids and then a movie is fine. You must be able to converse and feel close to the other person. Shared activities build a connection that is difficult to break. However; what if you don't have any shared interests? In these cases it's even more important for you to commit to spending time doing things with your spouse. Each of you should do things that the other enjoys. You never know what you might like until you've tried it.

Make a point to share at least one activity every week. You don't have to do the same things every week. Add some variety to spice it up. You'll also want to swap it up from week to week, taking turns on whose activity to try that week. Keep it up until you find something that you both enjoy. This will be part of the foundation upon which your marriage is built.

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