My guy won't divorce his ex-girlfriend unless I pay for it.

Morgan Absher is a Los Angeles-based occupational therapist who broadcasts the "Two Hot Takes" podcast, where she and her co-hosts offer advice. She contributes a weekly piece to USA TODAY, where she offers guidance to readers. She may be found on TikTok as @twohottakes and on YouTube as twohottakes. You can contact her by email at [email protected], or you can share your experience with her by clicking here.

"I am a 39-year-old woman, and my partner is a 33-year-old man," she says. We've been dating for the past five years. I can't tolerate a couple things and have expressed my displeasure, but I'm either branded insane or ignored. For the past two years or more, we have had very little communication.

His ex-wife is still his wife. He promised a divorce, but now he won't get one until I pay for it. We have intimate encounters three times a month, and only when he requests it. He doesn't respond to any of my social media posts or emails that I send straight to him (like racy pictures).

What has recently irritated me and is the final straw is his decision to take time off for his birthday. I'm not offended that he wants to do something special for his birthday alone. I'm more annoyed that he didn't ask if I was doing anything for him, as I always do, or if I wanted to accompany him. I'm irritated that he can take time off for his own birthday but not for mine or our anniversary. He hasn't done anything for my birthday or anniversary in the last two years.

Is it wrong for me to feel mad?"

Answer: You're not wrong to be angry, but my real concern is why are you sticking with someone who doesn't meet any of your basic relationship needs?

"If he wants to, he will," as the adage goes. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to be putting forth any effort. For me, the fact that he isn't actively pursuing his divorce is a major red sign. Why does he seem at ease around his ex-wife?

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Apart from that, there are additional difficulties to deal with. Your guy shows no signs of admiration or regard for you. He dismisses you, accuses you of being insane, and fails to establish fundamental connection. Sound relationships are built on communication and trust. Unfortunately, if he has refused to listen to you for the past two years, I don't think that will change anytime soon.

How can you form a bond with someone who refuses to recognise you or even speak to you? Your boyfriend is also failing to meet your basic need for connection, whether it's through a lack of intimacy, ignoring your provocative photos, or arranging plans for his birthday that don't include or acknowledge you.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship therapist, talks about how "bids" are a vital component of relationships. These bids are "basic components of emotional connection," as he puts it. However, these are mostly occasions when we strive to connect with our partners. Your partner is ignoring every offer you make, which can lead to bitterness, a lack of trust, and a lack of connection – none of which are conducive to a happy, long-term relationship. "What Makes Love Last," by Dr. John Gottman, might be of interest to you.

You shouldn't have to beg or demand that someone listen to you, spend time with you, or be in a relationship with you. In your relationship, you deserve to feel supported, heard, and loved. This relationship does not appear to be providing a safe, happy, and healthy environment for you, based on your story.

Best wishes,

CHAMILA HERATH