~My Grandpa: His name is Ken~

~ My GrandPa ~

His name is KEN!

My Grandfather lived with it for forty years, He never asked for sympathy, he never cried, he never complained, he never got bitter or angry, he never blamed Jah, and he never asked for help. Though of course some was given; He just asked for love. In short, my grandfather was the Bravest man I knew. The story I am about to share with you are about the years of his life just prior to being diagnosed with Parkinson's, just after getting divorced from my Grandmother when he was alone and would spend much of his remaining yrs living on his own with it. Women want to believe that when divorce is in the picture that it's the man that's always done something wrong for there to be a need for one, my Grandmother was one of those-kind-of -women.

The fact of the matter was my Grandfather was an all-around amazing man, he did everything he could, to try and make an impossible woman happy, to keep the love he had for her and that marriage together, but in the end he ran out of steam, he got tired and gave in to her desire to be divorced. Something tells me that he was probably tired because (of oncoming health problems) it was shortly thereafter (their divorce) that he was told what he would be suffering with it (Parkinson’s) for the rest of his life.

The thing that makes me the proudest is how many years he went on to LIVE with having Parkinson's, he didn't QUIT life or GIVE UP on LIVING, he didn't give in to feeling sorry for himself. He just LIVED with it, one day at a time, and dealt with the good days the ones when he could feed himself without much trouble, and the days when he could not. He went about his daily activities and daily business like he never had it, at least in the ways that he could. He never complained or broke down and cried, he was simply just amazing, in finding the strength within himself to be what makes a MAN a MAN TODAY.

I haven't seen or known too many men in my life in fact it's possible that my Grandpa might have been the ONLY ONE I have EVER KNOWN Still to date, to tell you how rare real men, (the ones like my Grandpa) are in this world we live in today. My Grandpa found the Jah, inside himself, and so NEVER blamed anyone for the struggles or difficulties he had to live with in the remainder of the life he had after divorcing my Grandmother.

My Grandmother never re-married and was like the perfect nun of sorts, never had another boyfriend, because in her heart she loved my Grandfather and she died knowing he was her husband in heart, but she herself carried to many problems and to much baggage for him to handle nor should he have had too, and in some way inside her head I think that's what she was thinking and why she insisted on that divorce because she didn't want to make her baggage his problems, so in some way she did truly love him enough to know to LET HIM GO!

And for good reason once he was diagnosed with Parkinson's he needed love and the right kind of help, the kind my Grandmother never could have given him, for her mental health & breast cancer struggles of her own, not just her self – absorption issues, as well as her dream of wanting to be a writer herself but always blaming everyone and everything around her (circumstances) for not being able to find the time to pursue it; in order to keep learning and working hard on the one thing she did love to do! I read some of her work, she did have talent, it was good work, but she didn’t have the education, to go with the kind of skill needed to remain diligent at it until reaching success. But if I could have gotten my hands on her writing cabinet with all her unfinished stories in those drawers I sure would have done my best to do her work all the justice I could!

I WAS BORN HERE... blessed with the same gift, I was sent to fill her shoes, to complete the stories between, in a shared ambition and passion for the same kind of work. I was sent to tell the stories she could not, like the story about her, and her ancestors, as well as my Grand-father and his. Heaven knew she had the gift, but heaven also knew (angels are smart fella's) that her mind didn't expand across the globe in learning and history respecting our whole families history. It couldn't just be anyone who could be given this job, this blessing to tell the right story, it was an important mission that had to be given and reach the 1 right person in our family line in order for the right story, and fulfillment of history to be accurately and rightfully and proudly told! And because of my love for my Grand-parents, those smart angels I just mentioned KNEW who to give the job and the gift to go with it too! ME! Just writing this last paragraph brought tears to my eyes and make my heart swell up with mourning and love for missing them both so much! I understand the value, the importance, the significance, the weight and responsibility writing the right stories carries. And I vow to honor their memory and their lives and our families legacy in doing my best to convey the message, to share the information, and tell the story I've been asked to be the one to right.

I can't stand thinking about what my Grand-Mother lost in not becoming the writer she was talented enough to be with practice, and a little bit of training and education, and because I'm also a writer I know how it feels, the sting of being denied what you most need to do and be in this world, in this life. You see I'm also a musician, and I've spent my life being denied the ability to have the freedom, the support, routine, and stability to become an accomplished one. All I've been able to do is concentrate and focus on just writing, so that I'm not denied everything I was born gifted with in this life. In turn I've accomplished a lot and have a large record of my work kept so, If I lost all my life's work as that writer now, it would be the same as a form of death and dying, something you can't be resurrected from.

In my writing I'm making up for 2 worlds of artistic work from within me, losing one and mastering the other I could still find a way to SURVIVE, to LIVE, like the name of this Documentary (Survivors) but to lose both, is the same as to say that I NEVER EXISTED AT ALL, that I do not actually live, and to be obliterated from the history of all existence not just once, but my Grand-mother's lifetime too, well that's simply un-acceptable, it's not an option. There's to much on the line, to much at stake for that! So living my life as a writer today, I'm not just living it for myself, I'm also living it for HER so it's important that I get it right for the both of us! I just hope the work I create with my skills and research will do them both and the rest of my ancestors justice! Because one thing is certain from the history of the true stories I've learned about my family's history around, Royalty and it's traditions, War and LOVE... that IT IS INDEED one worth telling!

My Grandfather wound up marrying 2 or 3 more times, I lost track?... He was a true ladies man, these women were ALLL CARE GIVERS of sorts. Two of them I know had been hired by him to be home care aids he needed. In the end these women loved him so much, that they all foregoed any intercourse or physical love in a normal fashion that could never be had with him, because they just LOVED HIM enough NOT TO CARE. In exchange these women were cared for through sharing his pension and comfortable lifestyle. I think after marriage that meant they had to get work elsewhere since he was no longer their job, but someone they loved to care for. So from my view (Jah, Heaven) gave him the only thing ON EARTH HE could give my Grandfather, for never showing hatred, or bitterness, anger or resentment and jealousy, for never pointing the finger at others, or blame someone else for the cards in the hand of the life he'd been dealt.

He just lived with it, so I understand it that he was rewarded with friendship, companions who loved him and thought nothing of the job of caring for him and all the years he lived with Parkinson's! It's not an easy disease to find a way to live one's life with, but he found a way to do it with poise, strength and grace, 3 things I knew I couldn't have lived with it while upholding in that same way if it were me that had Parkinson's! This made me love him, the Grand-father I was blessed to have been given even more! Through his life's example set for me, I learned what PERFECT LOVE IS and or MEANS TO ME, a most valuable lesson I could never be humbled and grateful enough for having learned about through him and the legacy of my ancestors histories!

So on the strength of that, I hope this Documentary tells the right family story of all that glory in the little things in life that makes a difference in who we are as individual people and the kind of existence we choose to etch out for ourselves and the legacy in that life and our actions we try to leave behind from our experience in living as human beings in the world! And I will now leave my work in your hands, the reader and viewer in the hope(s) that you will agree, I did it well Because from my humble position in all of this, every single word of it certainly has been worth writing! :-)

Jah, (heaven) just blessed my Grandfather with women... GOOD WOMEN, KIND, CARING, COMPASSIONATE, PATIENT, and Educated or trained in things he needed them to be so he could have CONVERSATIONS with someone who could UNDERSTAND HIM, intellectually, Emotionally, spiritually, physically and LOVE HIM for ALL of his Parts as best as they could as his friends and partner's in all of their old ages as they grew together after meeting one at a time KIND OF WOMEN! LOL In the end it took 5 wives to care for and love a man, that this world doesn't see that kind or likes of anymore, and that IS the ONE thing ALL these WOMEN saw, felt and agreed was what was most wonderful about him. I never met all of them just 3 of the 5, but I was told all about the others!

My Grandfather was the vulnerable one, it was the Women that were abusive, rather ironic when you think about the stats and male based abuser stories we hear or see or read about, but none the less it was still true. Doesn’t seem fair when you think about the above statement, that with the shortage of good men in the world, those women everywhere are screaming for that they would take advantage of hurting or mis-using the love and kindness of one of the GOOD ONES? But that is where I hope that as his Grand-daughter I can do something to give his life a justice it deserves, by telling his story and sharing it with the world, one that I believe needs telling.

Don't get me wrong I'm saying my Grand-father was PERFECT literally, he's not the Almighty by any means, he was human, and a man after all. He was a husband and a father too, so I know that in his journey he struggled a time or 2 with discipline issues around 1 of his son's constant instigating behavior. My uncle to this day is still the same instigating person he was when he was just Ken's son. But Grandpa, never beat, or grounded, or abused his children, emotionally, or psychologically in ways that were permanent scars and damage, as was known for the times and the people who were all suffering from the repercussions of living through both World Wars and scarred with PTSD, war ration syndrome and more!

My Grandparents were trying to be such good people, that they chose to try and be leaders and take positions of setting examples, one that was opposite for their times, that's part of why and how they met! It was very romantic, but also brave, and extremely commendable! And you will read and learn all about that in the other part of this Survivors story! Anyway during their marriage after World War 2 the BOTH OF THEM talked about what they believed in and what they wanted out of life, TOGETHER as a couple and as a family and on individual levels of well being and health, so back in the days WHEN EVERYONE DRANK AND SMOKED, I mean alcoholism and violence from that alcoholism and chain smokers abound. My Grand-Parents said it was everywhere, they all did it. And this made the 2 of them realize, that this wasn't what THEY WANTED for themselves and their lives or that of their children and their children's children, so they both agreed to QUIT! And that's exactly what they did, they quit smoking and drinking alcohol for the duration of most of their marriage and well basically their entire lives! In fact I NEVER DID SEE my Grandpa EVER DRINK alcohol at all and lived till he was 83!

My Grand-Mother on the other hand coming from a line of British Royalty and Women who cooked great food, did like to have the odd bottle of sherry in her older Grand years of her life during holiday's! Following suit of traditions in the family she is from. And based on the life she'd survived through, as a growing little girl around her knowing her story and struggles I was perfectly FINE with that! LOL

She would wear paper hats, and her face would glow, she'd smile and have a spark, this wonderful glitter of life and love in her eyes when she enjoyed her Sherry at these times in her life. I LOVED HER EVEN MORE than, when she wasn't afraid to let down her guard, and allowed herself to RELAX, just a little bit, and be human, and live, and do something for herself, for her own enjoyment, a way of rewarding her own life for what she'd by that point had successfully accomplished!

As a result of my Grandparents making the decision to quit those activities all those years ago, in turn raised 3 children into adults, who themselves never smoked a cigarette in their life, and drink very little alcohol, so I'm very happy to have had the blessing and privilege of not having to grow up in an environment riddled with alcoholism and all that goes with it! Turns out my life was going to be hard enough on it's own terms without that, that it gave me a head start to find a way to handle and live through the life that I would be thrown out into the world to live without the added complication of alcoholism and for that I will always be eternally grateful!

And so in turn I can proudly say today that I am not an alcoholic, and my children don't smoke and drink either! Not even marijuana! I however did succumb to smoking for a great many years, but as I write these words telling this story today I am happy to report I've converted to the vape nation world, and I don't use that to much at all either these days. So ultimately the point is, that I am now smoke free. Just to solidify the significance and value their decision was in that conversation they had with each other as a young married couple with a brand new growing little family was, all those decades ago! :-)

They were leaders and upstanding Christians of their times, and were great examples of wonderful people to follow in the heels of in this world as the times changed and evolved to the current 21st century! And with all the violence and alcoholism and mental health and broken marriages and dysfunctional families I've witnessed in the life I've lived, I can't express the gratitude in knowing how lucky I am to have been given the family I was given to come into this world through and the Christian values they so absolutely passed down on to me; so I hope in some minute way the words I write telling this story can find a way to do that for me!

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With the above now all being said, I will return to the story I had already been in the process of having told specifically about my Grand-Father, less about about my Grandmother and me!

Now where was I? Ahh... yes, talking about the injustice done in my Grandpa's life, which is the story itself of this part of the work I'm writing about him! My Grand-father was not the kind of man to back down from a challenge given him and was not the kind of man to steer off the RIGHT course, he LIVED through the War in order to produce the story that I had the privilege to grow up watching him tell me, and then be able to share, BECAUSE he LIVED to produce the off spring it took to produce ME so I could tell it for him! And this I take great pride and joy in doing, it is a great honor to be bestowed the gift of sharing a story about a Great man, that of which the likes of will NEVER LIVE AGAIN!

At least not in my life and time, but maybe in the next, after the resurrection, because he certainly is a man that earned a right to a 2nd chance at life in living with Jah under heaven and it's watchful eye and eternal friendship and love with and for him which I'm confident and sure of, since I saw it first hand, how courageous and well he lived! If I do get to live to see him again then, it will without a doubt be a great day, a time of great reward and rejoicing, but till then I will return to telling the story here and now, the one that I can tell!

My Grandpa IS one of the most amazing men to have ever lived, Jah, decided that he was not just worthy of some part or section in the most important book in the world that we all know to well as the bible, but that rather this man deserved FAME of HIS OWN, and that is the instructions my heart was given to tell with this gift for writing; that was bestowed upon me for that purpose, and I in turn therefore intend to fully accomplish this mission. I will proudly complete this task for a MAN who most certainly deserves his life and times to be shared, with a World-Wide audience, as well as readers, going back to those who still live from his world and for those of the current and future generations to come!

The love from these women was all Jah could give him for what he lost. It wasn't losing the use of his legs or losing the use of his hands to feed himself, or having difficulty in speaking, or everything else that went with the challenges of living with Parkinson's for over forty yrs in a time of life on earth, where there just INS'T ANYTHING medicine can do to help much. It was losing HIS SONS, he had 2 from my Grandma and one from his first wife and till the day he died, even when he came on vacation to see me and my Mother as a little girl, those sons of his NEVER came to visit him.

For forty years he waited, and waited and waited, and did not break down, did not budge from being the man he was and always will be, he waited for them to come and see him and make amends, to apologize and ask for forgiveness, which they ALWAYS HAD and that could be seen in my Grandfather's eyes. He held nothing against them and didn't wish them any bad luck or have any malice or anger towards them. He certainly forgave them and was at peace and a quiet, humble man without any anger or grudges held toward anyone his heart loved, I was there, so I witnessed who he was and what he was truly like! Rather than the stories of the MAN they Talked about so bad and poorly while refusing to see him, and witness the proof of his kindness and state of solidarity, peace and love within him.

(I’d better ad, I have since writing this above paragraph learned that 1 of the 3 sons apparently had visited with him a few times, but it wasn’t through any family re-union and it certainly wasn’t talked about with the rest of us, so for me it still feels like none of them made amends with him before he passed away.) That family re-union photograph was all he wanted to have, it was what he waited and stayed alive those 40 yrs for, and for ME, so I could have that TIME WITH HIM with me here in this world, so I could be his defender through the eyes of Jah/heaven and tell his story right!

It breaks my heart writing these words thinking of the time I couldn’t be around him more or do more with or for him, as my life was so difficult and riddled with complications, that I couldn’t dare tell him, things I couldn’t bare to have him know so I never got more visits or communications in with him I otherwise would have liked. But underneath it all, I think he knew how hard my life was, because it was after all his family too and if he knew what he had already lived through then he could take an educated guess on what was happening to mine, BECAUSE HE LOVED ME, and I LOVED HIM… and they (the family) couldn’t stop US from knowing each other or take that away from us, so in that way we both know what we had won against all of them with each other and well there’s really nothing better that can be said about it then that! So essentially this paragraph IS THE WHOLE STORY OF US in a NUTSHELL, the one that needs telling and the reason why I'm the one telling it! :-)

Sure my Grandpa wasn’t the perfect Father and husband, nobody is perfect but he certainly wasn’t some kind of mean vindictive or abusive man in nature that would have warranted the kind of response and development that took place from his 3 sons over little things that may have taken place in their childhoods. That’s what growing up is for, that’s what TIME IS FOR! So we can have some time to make sure we dot our I’s and cross our t’s and make those amendments and peace within ourselves and with those others that mean so much to us around us before WE die or before THEY DIE, as it was in my Grandpa’s case.

And that time they were given is what HURTS ME, that’s the time that makes me angry, and very sad to see take place, to think of them as people I have to call family? :/ So, in short all I can do is write this story, my story of it all and hope that brings about a peace and amendment I CAN LIVE WITH growing up in this one family that WAR and the damage from War causes us!

He just wanted LOVE, their love, he just wanted to see the sons he gave life too... but they never came, for those whole forty years. No cards, no letters, no phone calls. Whatever my Grandmother said when they were teenagers just coming into early adulthood took away the sons he had for the rest of their lives. So all God could give him was woman, 3 more wives and ME.... a Granddaughter that could write about him, for the world to READ. A Granddaughter that watched him quietly, in admiration of all the strength it took to live with Parkinson’s and never complain!

I could see at 7 that the Grandpa whose lap I would have loved to climb into, and crawl all over even in his motorized chair, to hug and be hugged by.. WAS BUSY… fighting this big terrible thing… I could see he was too busy to find room for me on his knee… because I could see the pain in his eyes, the frustration, of what he couldn't do for himself for me, because of how much energy it took, just to love himself and find the strength he needed to get through each day, the strength and energy, focus and determination that in spite of his challenges and obstacles to just make that trip from Vancouver to VISIT ME, to be in the living room of my apt where I was living in Winnipeg as that young child.

I'll never forget that message and time together and the bonding that took place, even with his limitations in movement and actions, he may never have been able to hug and hold me and play with me in his arms in his wheelchair, but he sure did find other emotional, and psychological ways to make up for it with his love, that remains with me today and will continue to until the end of the days of my life. For that I wouldn't change a thing in the world that took place between the 2 of us!

Well, I might have only been 7 but I understood how much of a miracle THAT VISIT was for ME. That it was ME on HIS MIND, the one he wanted to know, and love and so sick or not, half way across the country or not he found the time, he found the way to do it, to come visit me! Best VISIT IN THE WORLD I EVER HAD in MY LITTLE WORLD, witnessing him travel halfway across Canada with Parkinson’s in a motorized wheelchair to come visit me! That visit was all the proof I needed from him to know HE LOVED ME! So for that sake of the visits so cherished between us, I JUST HOPE I CAN GET THIS STORY RIGHT!

So it wasn't that he didn't want to be the grandfather that I could climb all over when I saw him, it was simply just because he couldn't. He couldn't catch me if I fell... he couldn't hold on to me, or embrace me in his arms, because he didn't have enough strength or the co-ordination to hold me in place, and I don't just mean from the Parkinson's, I mean from HIS SONS and what they were depleting him of all the way through my childhood, as I grew up WAITING WITH HIM, and watching just like him, by his side when I was there, and in the towns where they lived or on the vacations where I saw them, but NEVER did they ever speak about him and anything that got said, (things told me through my Mother, I never had to hear be said) things none the less that were uncalled for from the 3 of them.

There is NOTHING IN THIS WORLD that my Grandfather did or could have done, to them or anyone that would equate such selfishness and Evil, or hate as it were, to never say Good-bye to your Father, to never tell him that you love him, to never tell him sorry and that you still care. Or just to thank him for giving them LIFE?!

There isn't much ANY GOOD Father in this world could do to deserve 40 yrs of that kind of silent treatment. No one should have to go to their grave with any kind of burden on their chest, not of that kind of magnitude, people should always be at peace and have the harmony they need and have a life they can look back on and have no regrets for living. Now for the most part that is what the case for him and what his life was like, because there was nothing more HE could do to teach them all how to be a MAN LIKE HIM; so all he could do was let them go, and be strong for himself and never break down and cry so that they could never win at this horrible emotional game they played on him for so many years.

And all I can say as his Granddaughter and as his voice, and with my love, is that HE WON, HE NEVER BROKE DOWN AND CRIED over ANY OF IT. I DID, I'm the one that cries, I'm the one that breaks down in tears, but HE JUST LIVED WITH IT! NOW IF ONLY the REST OF US COULD BE SO BRAVE? He died with his Dignity, and pride, and self- love, in - tact! And that is all any of us could ever hope to achieve in the end. So in short my Grandfather lived for 83 LOOOOONG, HARD YEARS, and I can say from what I saw and what he DIDN'T SAY TO ME in all those thoughts running through his head in SILENCE is that MY GRANDFATHER was a REAL MAN, the kind One only reads about in books, or watch in old movies, My Grand-Father was the BRAVEST MAN I KNEW, My Grandpa was a HERO!

I luv you, now and forever Grandpa for everything you taught me to know and understand about being an adult, and what love is, for myself as a Woman, as a Mother, for the kind of man I should one day ever be so lucky to meet if I find one in my lifetime at all to measure up to your love and example to my life and the world I'm still in and do it any kind of equal justice? (P.S. THEY DON’T EXIST GRANDPA, I NEVER FOUND 1 AT ALL and now I’m 46) the kind you taught me, was what a REAL MAN IS, they are not in this world and life I'm in today) and finally to be the best of friend to you that I could be for the way things went between us in the remaining years of your life, and the life I was just starting out trying to learn how to live, so I say it again, I LUV YOU, NOW and FOREVER GRANDPA! You taught me everything there is that I ever needed to know!

JAH/Heaven Blessed your life, and now I pray that HEAVEN continues to bless your soul wherever you are up there today, and tomorrow and every day of the rest of MY LIFE that I can't be by your side reading a good book to you or you to me or together, or just simply holding your hand for hours while we listen to the radio or just watch T.V.!

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To Be Continued…

Amen!

Jennifer!