My Dead Husband Mooned Me

April 20th marked five years since my husband Patrick left for his early morning bike ride and never returned home. I try to write something each year to talk about my changes in perspective. This year I am adding some random thoughts and memories.

When Patrick died, strangers reached out to me to tell me how he touched their lives. Some of them have continued to share stories. I’m happy that he had such a positive impact on people.

I took the day off, as I usually do. Patrick wouldn’t want us to be sad all day, so we try to spend the day with loved ones and remember him.

I remember the moment I first saw him. I was working at Prandini Physical Therapy and a cousin of the boss was starting work that day. I prayed that this hot guy walking into the building was the new employee. My prayers were answered.

Sierra and I started planning what we would do to remember him on Monday night. First up, My Cousin Vinny, one of our favorite movies to watch with Patrick.

Sierra noted that it was interesting watching the movie at the end of law school. She told me that numerous law professors had discussed the movie, and she thought her dad would think that was cool.

Patrick and I met in the summer of 1986. He was home from UOP for the summer. He had a girlfriend at UOP. When he returned in the fall there were a few turbulent months while he sorted out his feelings. By November, we were official. We were together for nearly thirty years.

Before I went to sleep, I found several pictures of us before we were married and one from our honeymoon to post. I recently reconnected with someone we both worked with, and reminiscing made me think of those days.

Patrick and I worked together during the summers of 1986–89. We started a tradition of bringing our lunches to eat by the pool. After lunch, we would soak in the sun. That was back when I was comfortable wearing a bikini. Patrick approved.

Mourning my first husband sometimes feels wrong since I am happily married to Bruce. I know it can’t be easy for him, but he gives me space and time to do it. And I know Patrick would want me to be happy.

He loved me completely, and knowing that helped me in my grief. I’ve never second-guessed any decisions I have made since then.

Sierra and I had a lazy morning, and then we met Mom and Pop teNyenhuis for lunch. My brother Denny, nieces Shayna and Katie, and Bruce joined us. We had fun reminiscing and just being together.

I loved Patrick's family from the minute I met him. I’ve never had a bad in-law story. I am forever grateful to be part of his family.

After lunch, we made a stop by the liquor store and then to the cemetery where Denny, Shayna, and Sierra had a drink with Patrick. We spent a lot of time walking around looking at headstones. As Denny put it, you appreciate all of the time we had with him when you see the short life span of some of the people buried there.

I have stacks of letters that we sent each other during the years he was away at school. I am very grateful to have them.

After the cemetery, we went home, and then Sierra went to hang out with her cousins for a while. This included cousins from both sides of the family. After Patrick died, our families basically merged. He would have liked that.

His friends adopted me while he was away at school. How awesome is it that I loved his friends too?

I spent some time alone with my thoughts, just remembering the good times. I looked through old pictures and laughed at the styles we embraced.

When I met him, suspenders were stylish. He had multiple sets but my favorites were the ones with palm trees on them.

After Sierra came home, we planned the rest of our evening. We decided to watch Flight of the Conchords. If you haven’t watched the show, it’s a sitcom about two musicians from New Zealand. They are corny, and this was precisely the type of show Patrick liked to watch. We also watched a few of their comedy routines on YouTube.

There was never a dull moment around Patrick. His dry sense of humor lifted our moods. If one of the girls were being overly dramatic, he would pat her on the arm and say, “there, there.” This usually stopped any tears and created laughter.

Later in the evening, we had a FaceTime call with Camille. We were all sad that she couldn’t be home with us, but she is in her second week of a new job and couldn’t take time off. She spent time telling us about her job, and we also reminisced a little. Mainly we were just happy to end our day together.

Patrick gave me two beautiful, wonderful daughters. They are the reason I kept going. Thinking of them makes me feel close to him, and I imagine how proud he is of them. He loved his daughters completely, and I genuinely believe that love carries them forward.

Throughout the day, I received messages via text and social media from friends and family. Some of his fraternity brothers shared pictures, including the one below, which I had never seen before.

Patrick at a fraternity reunion with his Volkswagen bus | Credit: Joel Tornatore

A perfect ending to the day was a message from a fraternity brother. He shared a picture via Facebook Messenger. The picture showed Patrick and four fraternity brothers “mooning” the photographer. I cracked up when I saw it, and I knew that Patrick was smiling down on me. Of course, he would arrange to moon me!