My Blue Eyed Baby,

My Blue Eyed Baby,

The final decision is coming up for court on who gets custody. Your dad wants full custody, or 75/25. I want shared custody, to have you in a week on and off scenario. It’s been 11 months since we have been separated. It’s November of 2019. On December 9, 2018, shortly before midnight, I struggled with leaving. I held you in my arms as you slept peacefully. Your dad and I had been fighting. He told me, he knew I had plans to leave in the morning with you. He said it wouldn’t happen. I felt like I was out of options. I tried fixing us. I tried having conversations. Your mom felt that she couldn’t stay there with your dad. He was so upset with me before we went to bed, to hear about my plans to leave with you, while he was at work. It was the only way we could be free. Your daddy didn’t love me and we were making each other unhappy. You witnessed our fights, raised voices, tears, and sadness.

I knew you felt all of it because you would come to me, with tears flowing down my eyes and kiss me so many times. To try and bring mommy joy. You felt like that was your job, to make mommy happy instead of sad. Baby boy, that isn’t on you. You are meant to be a little, rambunctious boy full of happiness. It broke my heart to decide to make it better by leaving. To slip my arm out from under your tiny body, with tears streaming and I kissed you goodbye. I thought if I didn’t make all this stop, it wouldn’t get any better. You have seen and heard enough. Your daddy wouldn’t listen to my pleas and listened to everyone else. How mad your daddy was at me, I was afraid of what would happen. Mommy made her mistakes as well but I tried loving your daddy and making him happy. I just couldn’t. I walked ten miles to the police station asking them to give you back to me. During that time I was walking in the freezing cold, I realized I have to fight for you. That it was foolish of me, to think I could live without you and you without me. Mommy only wants to raise you equally and for your daddy to be happy. That’s something mom and dad can’t agree on.

That’s why we have been in and out of court. That’s why you and I have been separated. My sweet baby, I’ve missed out on so much. Our first year we were inseparable. It was truly hard for me and you to be separated. The courts finally granted visits in a better way. The way your daddy and I had visits set up, didn’t work. We kept fighting and you had remained in the car seat for hours while your daddy tried convincing me to come home. You still witnessed everything that I was trying to protect you from. Your daddy would never leave me alone with you, in fear that I would take you back. Our first visit to the center was the hardest for us. You ran to me. Hugged me so tight. We played but you were so upset. You would try breaking toys, throwing things, pulling my hair and slapping me. You couldn’t express how much you were hurting but mommy felt it, I broke a million times inside. Two hours supervised wasn’t enough. They said you have to give him back to his dad. You squeezed me tighter and you began to cry so hard. They reached to pull you from me and I begged them not to do that to you.

Those tears from your blue eyes and I could feel your pain and your screams crippled me. The tighter you squeeze, the harder I cried. Begging and pleading for them to just stop. That you just want your mom. I can’t imagine what it was like for you. To wake up without me. To wander through the house looking for mom. Calling out mom-mom. For those days you were sick, wanting mommy to hold you and make it better. I can’t imagine what you went through. I could feel it. I felt horrible because of my decision to make it better led to all this. Baby, mommy wanted to cave in and just come home. To just deal with all the bad for you to have me. I had to remain strong, even when I cried myself to sleep many nights wanting you because you deserve a better life than what we were giving you. You should be surrounded by so much happiness and seeing your parents get along. We couldn’t give you that. The visits that would follow after became a little easier. We both had to adjust. It was hard but we worked on it together.

My smart baby decided to plan an escape. You grabbed the strap to your diaper bag and waved bye to the supervisor. You took my hand to lead me to the front door. We were stopped. We were told that we have to remain in that room. My baby saw the front door mommy came in from, he knew that was the way out. No matter how many times they would say you can’t leave the room, you kept trying. You wanted to jailbreak with mamma. Oh, baby, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could have walked out that door with you. I had to keep being strong and hold on to the faith that the justice system would bring you back to me. As the visits went on, there were days you would run to me. There were days your affection changed toward me. Instead of instantly hugging me and kissing me, you’d wait. It was like you were savoring what you got. When we had to say our goodbyes, you would clinch so tight that my oxygen felt like it was escaping. I know that by dragging daddy to court and not being able to talk to him, affected how much time we got together. Mom didn’t do that to be away from you. Mom was going through so much and daddy wasn’t kind toward that. I don’t want you to think bad of your daddy. He loves you. Your daddy and I just have grown-up problems we are working on and unfortunately, it’s been affecting you.

I remember it all. The moment I knew I was carrying you, to your first kicks, the sleepless nights from a growing belly and bringing you home. Pacing the floor with you to help you sleep. Telling you that mom can’t sing and she only knows “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”, as I sang to for what felt like an hour. I remember being so exhausted and learning your different cries. Thinking how adorable your poop face was and your milk drunk face. Growing with you and enjoying our moments together. Elvis Presley came to my rescue when you would fight your sleep. I would drive your grandmother crazy playing, “I Can’t Help Falling In Love” over and over again.

Your first time crawling let me cry in silence, for I knew you weren’t staying my baby. Then the chasing you down from crawling so fast and getting into everything. You would stack shoes upon shoes to climb onto things. You were my little explorer. You were growing and you thirsted for all the new sights and tastes. Mommy kept busy with college, you, the two dogs, housework and at one point in time, two jobs. Your daddy was playing a video game and I was cooking. You stayed with dad to keep away from the hot stove and risks of getting burned. After the food was ready, I noticed you stayed busy with dad. He was in his own little world with the game and I took advantage of that moment.

I fixed me a plate of food and sat down on the kitchen floor to eat without your tiny hands exploring. I sat down and hid behind the wall to indulge in five minutes of peace and quiet. I love your company and when your hands steal food from my plate. Since the day I brought you home, you were always on my hip. Mommy never really got a break. I stole five minutes to myself. You and daddy started wandering where mommy was. I sat there like we were playing hide and seek. You peeked across the wall and your eyes lit up seeing me. Crawling to me as fast as you could. Your tiny arms wrapped around me squeezing the air out of my lungs because it felt we were separated too long. I’ll never forget those precious moments or the way your eyes would beam with joy to see me.

Having you awoke my gift of writing. Loving you has allowed words to flow from my heart to express how it feels and loves you. I never imagined a life so beautiful with you. I can’t fathom the idea of not having you. It would be like the death of my heart and soul. Seeing the cold air from my breath as my soul escapes the body that binds it, in a world without you. You brought me to life bringing the very best out of me. Eyes glimmer of such joy and my heart bursting at its seams from all the love you give. It’s something unimaginable, until the moment you at the hospital waiting for your arrival. Then that first cry your lungs release, I became complete. In one moment I became forever changed and altered into this beaming ray of light that was exhumed by your existence.

I don’t know what the courts will decide. I’m writing to you to remind you that I love you and all this is for you. I want you to have a great life and turn out to be a great man. I truly believe these were the actions needed to start that for you. I’d suffer every day if it meant your happiness. I relish in our moments together. Waking up to you and fixing breakfast, bath time, storytime, playtime and your bond with the girls. How you loved being by mommy’s side with the laundry and fixing cupcakes and brownies together. Singing to you at bedtime and pacing the floor a million times when you were fussy or sick. All the vomit-covered shirts, the endless diapers I changed, your shrieks of joy when you made a slip and slide in the kitchen with the water from the dog bowl. Your first time crawling and walking. Your first experience in the snow, and how we made snow angels. How I would chase you down to dress you, being naked and free. Running from clothes and a diaper, that encased that free spirit of yours was a thrill and brought your smiles. The moments you would jabber at me and I told you I was telling Santa. Throwing your hands up in the air and standing tall, you excitedly yelled, “I good!” I remember the innocence of watching you with the Christmas tree and how the Christmas lights made your mouth glow when you learned it didn’t go there.

My sweet baby, I remember it all and I’ll forever cherish it. I hope that peace will come and that we can make more memories. That I fall asleep with you in my arms and wake to your face, with pancakes on the stove. That I’ll not miss another milestone and be that mom you have missed. To watch you blossom and illuminate such happiness. For every tear, every punch to the gut, all your moments of frustration and tears, that it was all worth it. That everything I have endured for your betterment has paid off. That is my hope.

For now my baby, mommy will remain strong for the both of us and continue in my efforts to make your life better. I’ll hold you close to me and soak in every moment. I’ll wait for your return to my arms and for us to no longer be separated. If my efforts fail over and over again, mommy will be here. Mom will wait even if it means you are a grown man. The moment you were born, my heart was stolen. You are my life and my purpose.

Love always,

Mom-Mom