Motherhood: Not just sunshine and rainbows

Unexpected Pregnancy

For women who don't plan on having kids, seeing a positive pregnancy test can feel like their world has fallen apart; the emotions they feel may be anger, confusion, fear, etc. However, despite a baby not being planned, women still find ways to cope with their pregnancy. One of the most critical things women should do when facing an unexpected pregnancy is reach out to people who won't be judgemental. If you find yourself completely weak, it's best to speak to people that will motivate you to stay strong. You can also schedule to receive counselling about your pregnancy so that it may help you decide what steps you want to take. Hopeful Beginnings is a child welfare agency that is focused on fully supporting women throughout their pregnancy through services such as counselling for adapting to motherhood, prenatal support, and postpartum depression support.

Motherhood: a wonderful and exhausting experience

While it’s true that being a mom is a wonderful experience, it can also be draining. I decided to interview a woman who is a staff member at the college I attend. She has three children, and I was curious to know about her experience in being a mom and what advice she has.

Hi, M.G, thank you so much for allowing me to interview you. First, I want to ask: Did you worry that you were not going to be a perfect mom when you found out you were pregnant the first time? Or did you have a sense of confidence?

That’s an interesting question, I almost feel like I didn’t because I didn’t know how hard it was gonna be. I didn’t feel nervous or not confident at that point; I think I still have a lot of days now that I’m parenting, I don’t think I felt that way in pregnancy, I think I feel that way in parenting because now is when you have to make decisions and now is when you have to figure out how to address questions or issues that come up. You go through moments where you feel confident in what you say and what you did and then you definitely have moments where you question whether or not that was the right way to handle a situation or you know it wasn’t the right way to handle the situation but that was just all you had with the emotional capacity to deal with at that time or something.

Did your initial thoughts about being a mom while pregnant change after having your children?

I don’t think you really know what you’re getting into until you’re there. I think you can see other people parent and you can say oh I can do that better, or I would do that differently, or you say I would never do this, I would never do that. You have a lot of judgement about what you would or wouldn’t do or what you wouldn’t say and then when it comes time to actually being in this position, you find yourself doing things and saying things that you never thought you would do. You can judge from the outside and then until you are actually in that position, you just don’t know. Your perspective and your mindset changes. There’s a lot to take in and you have to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.

Someone I know told me that being a mom changes you, makes you mature, would you agree with this? Has there been a time where being a mom made you have feelings of resentment or anger?

Motherhood is very complicated; it absolutely changes you. It changes you in every way, it changes you physically, it changes you emotionally, I think for many people it changes them spiritually, I think there’s a lot of ways that motherhood changes who you are. In the moments of motherhood that are really difficult, you think back on your previous life that seemed simple and carefree and not filled with a lot of responsibilities, and it’s not that you want to go back to that life because you don’t want to give up the life that you have, but you almost wish you can have both lives. Sometimes you have a longing for what life was like before. This life with children feels much more fulfilling. There is a lot of emotions that come with motherhood, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you would change what your life is.

What do you have to say about mothers who defend their sons or daughters unconditionally even in horrific situations? An example of this would be Brock Turner’s mom, who wrote a letter to the judge begging him to not take her son to jail and not mentioning the horrific act he committed. I am against the saying that family sticks together because if anyone in my family ever did something deeply awful, I would not be in contact with them. But from your viewpoint what would be the appropriate way to respond to a situation where either of your children as adults were found guilty of crimes? Does being a mom mean loving your children through thick and thin?

I don’t think you ever make that love stop. I think there’s a difference between loving somebody and supporting somebody. You don’t stop loving a child the way you stop loving a spouse or the way you stop loving a friend or a sister or brother even. I think it’s very different, that connection between parent to child. If my child ever did anything that I felt deserved some form of punishment then I would hope that they would receive the help.

Do you think it’s okay if a mom does not love her child but still cares for them? Would she still be considered a good mom since she is responsible for her children but not have love? Or do you associate responsibility with love?

I would flip that, I would say that sometimes a mother might love their child but they can’t care for their child. Parenthood is hard, motherhood is really hard, it’s emotionally and physically draining. I think for some people they just don’t have the capacity or resources or emotional mindset or strength to handle parenthood when it’s at its hardest and so I don’t fault anyone for feeling that way. I think that you can love a baby and just know you don’t have the capacity to care for it for whatever reason it might be. I think that’s okay as long as you do the right thing to make sure that baby is cared for.

When you became a mom, did you ever look back at your childhood and say to yourself that you wanted to treat your children differently from how your parents treated you? Or do you feel that the way your parents raised you was great?

I always am comparing my parenting to my parents all the time because it’s what you know. As I gotten older I’ve learned to talk to other people about how they parent. I feel like I borrow bits and pieces from all of these resources that I have. My parents did spank us, not a lot but every once in a while they would, and that’s not something we do with our kids. We try to find other forms of discipline that I think are more effective. I think it’s perfectly normal and good to wanna do things differently and take what you felt like sat well with you as a child and remember did not sit well with you and then vowing to never do that to your child.

Do you believe that being a mom becomes easier once your children become teens or adults?

I think there are ups and downs with parent-child relationships. I just talked to someone last weekend about this because she has teenage sons, kids at this stage are physically demanding; they don’t stop, they don’t sit down, they’re constantly in motion, they’re climbing, they’re jumping. Their physical safety is what you’re always concerned with and then in teenage years it’s not so much physically anymore but it’s more emotional because you worry about things that they’re gonna do that are much more serious issues, more physical when the kids are younger and then it’s much more strategic and emotional as they get older.

Do you feel that if someone didn’t plan a child versus someone who did plan on having one, both experiences would be different?

I think just because you have a child unexpectedly doesn’t mean you’re not ready. For some people it means they’re not ready and that’s totally understandable, and for some people they might not have been ready but they still do it and they do it well.

Self-care is not selfish in motherhood

Some people may have this mindset that being a mom means only committing to your children and ignoring your needs. This is not exactly right. Being a mom means you must look out after your children and make sure they don’t feel abandoned, but it’s not wrong to want to have fun or do things that make you happy where your children are not included. The other day I had a conversation with my best friend about this. She explained to me that there is nothing wrong with looking out after yourself as long as you do not forget that you are a mother. Ask yourself if you ever included either of your parents in something you loved to do. For me, I love to write, but I do not share that joy with my mom. My mom loves to be part of this club that promotes healthiness, but she does not force me to be part of it. Even though I don’t share with her my passion for writing and she does not include me in something she loves, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about me. It means that it’s okay for moms to do things that make them happy and not be portrayed as selfish. A selfish mom would be someone who emotionally manipulates her children or does not make an effort to understand them.

Remember this: being a mom changes your life, it does not end your life.