Mommy

When I told you I had an abortion, you were so angry at me! More angry than I'd ever known you to be. That was confusing to me. I made that painful decision alone because I didn't think you or anybody would understand my fears. I was away at college and I felt all alone. The loneliness was so acute I didn't know I had an option to that level of fear and despair. All the fear, loneliness, and confusion subsided when you explained your anger. I didn't know you had a story too.

You sent me a letter after some time had passed. I remember lying in the bed of my off-campus basement apartment that night and reading your words. You told me your story. You shared you too had an abortion. You shared your pain of being all alone and afraid and I cried. I cried with you and for you. I knew your pain. I knew your suffering. I knew your despair.

I continued to read and sank deeper into the understanding  of this despair as you revealed a truth I did not know. Your Mother, my Grandmother had a  story too. Can this be true? My Grandmother too was a victim of this pain???... In fact, that was how she left this world? Alone??? Afraid and in her deepest despair??? You went on to explain how abortions were illegal in those days and women truly were alone. My grandmother had no one to turn to and she died on that abortion table, by herself, in her deepest despair. How very very sad this was to me. To this day, I can think of nothing sadder than that moment.

You were raised without a mother. You were always searching for a love you could not find. You coulding find it in your Sister, for her heart was broken too. Although they loved you deeply, you couldn't find it in your Aunts. Raised by your Step-grandmother, she did everything in her power to make sure you wouldn't find it in her. So you grew up with this void, a hole in your heart. No matter how hard you tried, no matter your efforts, no matter your pleas, cares, or worries, that love could not be found. You had all this love inside of you to give but were left feeling unworthy to receive. When you believe you are unworthy of love it develops into a sense of despair that makes you feel like you are all alone in this world and no one sees you. No one cares.

You finally figured out what to do with that love. You poured all the love you had inside of you in to us, your children, and gave us quite the fill.  Your love is abundant and revolving  and everlasting, and rich with nutrients, and nurturing, and hugs, and fairy tales. We had Christmases with plentiful gifts, barbecues, and sun filled kisses. As a child, I bathed in your love! It was my playground.  Never did I wonder what there was outside of love. It was all I knew!

I am an adult now. I am a wife, and a mother. I offered my family the same degree of love you offered me. I am strong, courageous and fierce. I fear little and let no obstacles stand in the way of my accomplishments. I give and receive love in abundance. Loneliness and despair no longer have residence in me. But, I can not tell a lie. While I know your smile and laughter all so well, despair still resides in you. Do you still not know that you are worthy of love?

Let me tell you what I know about your worth. You were a divorced mother, working the night shift at the nursing home so that your 4 children had a daytime Mother. You put yourself through school while raising us. You taught us hard work and perseverance. As a fulltime nurse and parttime student, I watched your grind transform you into a college professor with students that adore you. I've watched you as a loyal friend standing by holding the hand of a loved one transitioning into the afterlife. You give and give effortlessly and tirelessly. There is no form or measure befitting of your worth!

Mother, I want you to know that you are loved, you are beloved, you are love. There was never a void. You were never alone without love. Despair has not been your constant companion.  It has always been love.

It's hard to see ourselves for who we truly are. We go searching the world trying  to find ourselves in others. Hoping they will fill our own personal voids. We can not find ourselves looking at the external. We have to find ourselves from within. You taught me that. Not with your words but, in your actions.

I understand why your anger was so great. Rightfully so for so many reasons.  But Mommy, I want you to know your love was much much greater. So many are blessed because of your sustaining presences and abundance of grace. I often think about what I learned from my parents. From my Father I always say I learned pride. From you mommy, I learned the greatest gift of all. I learned love.

Forever in my heart, mind, and soul,

Your Daughter 🧚🏾‍♀️