Mama

I closed my eyes to get some sleep when I felt her reaching out to me for me to hold her hand. She did not want me to leave her side that night. It was a few days before she passed away. Mama had been sick for many years with heart disease. Her health began to rapidly decline two months before she passed away. Let me go back a bit. In 2001, my father passed away from a massive stroke. So, for eighteen years it was just Mom and me. We were always together. Wherever I went, she was with me. And wherever she went, I was with her. In the last five years of her life, she began to get weaker from the heart disease. She had her third heart attack in 2014 and it was then discovered that her heart was only functioning at 40%. However, my mom was a fighter. She stayed strong and kept fighting until she was too tired to fight. After her third heart attack, she made the decision to become a DNR patient. Meaning, that if something was to happen and she was to flatline, she did not want to be resuscitated. Her saying was if it was her time to go then let her go. Of course, I and my siblings did not want to entertain the thought of anything happening to her. This was our mom. We could not imagine life without it. I am the youngest of four children. My three older siblings are married and have families of their own. We did not want to place Mom into a nursing home because we were not too keen on having someone else taking care of her. So, since I was the one who was not married and did not have any children, I took on the responsibility of taking care of her full time. I am not going to tell you that it was all rainbows and sunshine because it was not. There were days that it became frustrating and stressful. I wanted to throw in the towel many times because taking care of a parent is not an easy task. But I am grateful that I had the opportunity to take care of her. She was my angel. My road dog. I miss her so much.

Anyway, going back to the beginning of my story, I made a pallet on the floor next to her bed. She did not want me to sleep in my room. She wanted me to stay in her room with her. I did not get much sleep that night because she wanted to hold my hand the entire night. That was a little difficult since I was sleeping on the floor and she was in a bed. Having your arm up trying to hold someone’s hand can be quite uncomfortable. One of the signs that a person is close to death is when you hear them talking about seeing loved ones who have already passed away. My mom constantly talked about seeing my dad in the room with her. Imagine hearing this each day, knowing that your mom or your dad is slipping away and there is nothing you can do to stop it. That was one of the hardest things that I ever had to go through. The day before she died, she was in and out of sleep. She could talk but it was a struggle for her. She was too weak to even speak. The hospice nurse told my siblings and me that it was only a matter of time.

October 16, 2019… my sisters and I sat in my mother’s room close to her bed. By this time, Mom was in a deep comatose sleep. You could hear the fluid surrounding her heart and filling up her lungs with each struggling breath. This is what they call the death rattle. We knew that it was getting close. However, we did not know that it was going to be that very night. We were talking about the hilarious things that Mom used to do when we were kids when my older sister asked us if we had noticed how shallow Mom’s breathing was. My other sister and I both agreed that we were seeing just how shallow her breathing had become. It was not even two minutes into going back into our conversation when I noticed that she had stopped breathing. We stood up and I noticed that there was still a small heartbeat from the pulsating vein in her neck. Once I mentioned that I saw a pulse, she exhaled, and her heart stopped. She was gone. My sisters and I had witnessed our mother leaving us. We wished that we could resuscitate her, but we also knew that she did not want that. Since we could not call the paramedics because she was a DNR patient, we had to call the hospice nurse. She came took Mom’s vitals for the last time and called the time of death. By this time, family members were starting to arrive. Everyone stepped out into the hallway of the apartment building except me. I stayed in the apartment with Mom. I sat in the living room and looked at her. From where I was sitting, I could see straight into her bedroom and see her in her bed. I whispered, “Mommy, you cannot leave me.” As bad as I wanted her to stay, I knew that she wanted to go. Even after her death, I still have issues with letting her go. I know she is in a better place, but the thought of living life without her is a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Now, both of my parents are gone. My future husband will never get to meet them, and my future children will never get to experience being spoiled by them. If you have a great relationship with your parents, keep it going. Love them harder. Hold on to them tightly because losing them is the most painful thing to ever experience.