Love Letters to Anne

I had just turned 30, and my birthday has always been an emotional day for me. The uncertainties that it brought to the surface, all my insecurities and self-doubts about my origins. I was on the phone with someone and explaining that the not knowing why I was relinquished for adoption was a pain I couldn't keep bearing.

They wanted to know why I couldn't be happy. I explained that a huge hole in my heart existed. I was incomplete and no amount of anything would satisfy that. Not drugs, not sex, not food, not even love. Because that love I sought had only one source. I had to find that source, my family, my mother. I had to know my truth. The story behind the great mystery of my birth and why everything had been concealed, even from me. It wasn't fair living like this. I felt like I didn't matter. Where was my birthright? Whatever it was, it was mine, and no one had the right to take this away and hide it from me. I was getting closer, but not really, just running down the dream.

The bureaucratic policies of the agency made it impossible to seek my parents through them. There were hoops and money I didn't have required of me and my parents, IF they had even gone back to ask the agency about me, and who knows what story they were given originally...

I was involved in changing my life at 30. I began studying in computers, specifically in networking, and I started studying and getting certified in my career of choice. Switched my life from having no direction to a new direction. Things were looking up in general. Everything was changing for my best good and I had a hand in making it happen as much as I could. Some may call it Karma coming back around, but I don't know, what was Karma about at the beginning of my life? I don't really believe in past lives. And I tend to think that infants have no bad Karma.

I was studying not just computer networking, but also more philosophy. More religious viewpoints. And rejecting it all. I just floated through existential issues and problems. All the while reading more and more to find some comfort in my situation. I found none. Nothing comforted me. For everything I built, for everything I ended up owning, I was still just hollow and empty. But I was able to push through things and find a measure of success. Adapt or die child.

Well, it's always been my philosophy that if it's going to be you or me, that it would be you. And if was going to be me, you were going to limp away remembering how you used to function before me. Failure was not an option, ever, in anything....

I started haunting the adoption boards, looking to see if anyone had sought me out. Nothing matched. This was disheartening at best. I couldn't decide if it meant anything or nothing. I kept going. There had to be an answer on the internet for my problem. I sent emails to anyone who was in the business and would listen. I even got a few responses that sometimes gave me hope. Just enough to put one foot in front of the other again, for just another day, one more time. Keep going.

So, I did. Trying to keep myself out of trouble that would get in the way of my goals of looking. Beyond all else I had to keep looking until I found something. I feared at many points I would find my family in the ground. The lone survivor visiting the cold uncaring remnants of this mortal coil. If I ever found anything.

Nothing was helping. None of the books I was reading by private investigators, none of the internet boards, none of the genealogy groups were any use. There will be an answer, let it be.

In the meantime, go live a life worth living.