Love Letters From Quarantine

My life has been full of peaks and valleys, like every other human on this planet we share called Earth. It's the human condition to have good days and bad days, days of sorrow and days of such immense joy you can't believe you are living in that exact moment at that exact time and vow to always cherish it. At my most basic human form, I am the sum of the people I've chosen. I am 30 years old and have lived in multiple countries and inhabited many lives. I have had childhood best friends, that promised we'd stand beside each other on our wedding days, fade into memory after puberty hit. I have had boyfriends and lovers promise forever and only last the season. I have worked on board yachts with 21 people that felt like family, who I at once loved and hated, move on to other jobs and boats and we'd keep in touch for a few years but it would always fizzle eventually. I have had people so close to me I called them soul mates or sisters who due to this or that have lost touch.

I am and have always been a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason. There are always lessons to be learned and things to give. The people that come into your life, even briefly, to teach you the fun lessons, we call friends and the people that teach you the hard lessons, we usually call assholes. When I look back on my life thus far, I see it is made up of the people I've met along the way and the experiences we've shared. But there are three women in particular who have never left my side and I won't let them and they won't let me. They are my kindred fucking spirits- the friends that make life make sense. In our own relationships, we work hard to keep it strong- returning that phone call, planning the baby shower, sending a funny meme after a heartbreak. I am so so incredibly lucky to have these women in my life. I look up to them as mentors even if we are the same age because I have chosen them. Chosen to work hard to make sure they stay in my life forever because they are so very important to me. These women raise me up and I them. These women don't take shit from anybody and make sure I don't either. On our darkest days, we share in the light. On our lightest days, we laugh our asses off. These women are my people, my soul mates.

When Covid hit, I was working on an 80-meter superyacht, trapped aboard with 21 people at each other's throats. We were anchored off of St. Barth and weren't allowed to step on land for months. It was one of the darkest times of my life. I was counting down the days until we sailed back to America and when we docked, the coast guard immediately put us under quarantine again. I lasted a few more lonely months in this gilded cage of pettiness and rage then put in my notice, packed up two years' worth of stuff, rented a car, and drove the nine-hour trek home to South Carolina.

I hadn't been back to America to visit in years and now that I was finally free as a bird with no job and nowhere to be, I wanted badly to see my best friends and in one case, meet a new life. But covid had other plans. I waited it out for a few months hoping maybe the virus would ease up. I had a lot of blessings to count but the timing wasn't having it. In my loneliness, and in the loneliness I know these women and most people experienced during our time of staying indoors, I decided to let my best friends know how much they meant to me in the form of love letters.

_________________

This first letter is to my dear friend Grace. My longest-standing friend. I moved to a new town in first grade and she was my very first friend. She came right up to me at daycare and that was that. Grace hasn't had the easiest life, but she was always there for me and I, her. We grew up together in a small one-light town with dreams of grandeur. We were thick as thieves through elementary, middle, and high school. We went to university together and even joined the same sorority which we later both got kicked out of. In college, we were "show kids" and traveled around the country following bands and experimenting- we got into all types of shenanigans. We both followed our dreams after that- she moved to New York to conquer the music industry and I moved to Thailand to start my life abroad.

Covid hit us both hard and we found ourselves back in our childhood bedrooms in the least ideal living situations. We were so close yet so far apart. Both going through this feeling of failure and doom of the future. The good news is that a few months after I wrote this letter we packed up our things and moved to London together. We aren't there anymore and now have the Atlantic ocean between us, but with each other's help, we are both in a much better place and have immense plans for the future.

"My Dearest Grace,

To you, I write this friendship love letter because It’s true, I love you very much and am so so grateful for our friendship and I don’t say it enough. I am always immensely inspired by you and proud of you for how you perceive life and then fucking conquer it. I know you may not feel like a conqueror right now. I know I don’t always and we are going through similar things, but just know, from where I’m standing, you are a badass bitch who can do anything you want. You have the drive, the motivation, the wherewithal, and the personality to manifest anything you could possibly imagine in this world and make it yours.

Being back in SC with parents is fucking weird, right? Being unemployed and very uncertain in this crazy time we call life is also hella scary. Let’s both just keep trucking and keep working on ourselves. I think we will later look back on this time as a gift. A gift to have the downtime to examine our lives and what we’ve done and what we want and what we are going to do and slowly, but steadily make our dreams come true. You are my soul sister and I know if anyone can strive for big dreams and do the damn thing, it’s us and it’s you and I hope you know that boo!

I know you are going through some extra shit too with your family. Most people don’t have to deal with half the shit you have experienced, but you always handle it with decisive grace and power and you’ve always come out the other side stronger and I know you will in this situation too. Always proud of you for how you play the cards you’ve been dealt. These tools will give you what you need to get ahead in life. I literally know the future and trust you are going to be okay- actually better than okay. You will be happy, healthy, successful, and prosperous. I know this because I’m fucking magic and have affirmation cards.

Thinking back on all our wild memories is making me giggle. We have saved each other on more than one occasion and always, always made it fun. We were and will forever be show kids, 25i risk-takers, Burney wolf pack trippers, Wakarusa hurricane survivors, Orange Peel bathroom phone snorters, Elbow Room merch sellers, Thailand pen-pals, Tri delt dropouts, Placid Acid frat lap riders, Chapin Baptist after school delinquents, Burnett shooting lake babies- always getting into trouble, always raised-surface wild, but also always being there for each other when it counts, when life gets challenging and even in Nashville with a raging Covid pandemic and world-wide destruction as we fucking know it. You were one of the first friends I made when I moved to Chapin in 1st grade and actually may have been the very first, which is mind-blowing. When I think of elementary school, middle school, and high school I think of you. When I think of college, my favorite show memories, and even shitty tri delt, I think of you. When I think of young adulthood and the intensity of being on our own and New York I think of you. You are one of my longest-standing and greatest friends and it amazes me how even when I think of the present and now to be almost 30, I still think of you and you are still such an integral part of my life. Thank fucking god- what would I do without you!

I love you so much and am so grateful I had you during a pretty scary Covid time. So grateful for our friendship and so excited to see how we shake up this wild world and make it ours.

Love you forever,

Your Boo

P.S. I’ve sent you a silly little surprise so be on the lookout in a few days. I hope you enjoy this gift as much as I have and I hope it brings you wonder, answers and magic daily."

___________________

The second letter I sent went out to Sarah. We are different in so many ways and the things we want out of life are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, but yet, somehow, it just works. We are the type of friends who can go years without seeing each other or even talking and then meet up and it's like nothing has changed. On the outside, Sarah doesn't seem like the kind of girl to be a friend to someone like me, or at least that's what some have said and I laugh every time because they didn't know Sarah in college!

Sarah is born out of a conservative family with a Republican daddy appointed to a high-up court by a past president. One time, she snuck out and they sent marshalls in helicopters to surround the house thinking she was kidnapped. We were raised vastly different and led opposite lives with different views on almost everything, but when I met her Freshmen year of college as the cute, tiny brunette girl that lived down the hall, I knew we were destined to be friends.

Sarah is the most curious person I have ever met and also the least judgemental. I could tell her the wildest, most scandalous thing I've done and she would want to know more then google it and laugh and never tell a soul. She met the love of her life in college and all three of us were besties. I was working on a yacht in another country right before her wedding and threatened to quit if they didn't let me attend. She and her husband are still two of my best friends and I always have a home at theirs when I am in town.

Sarah had her first child, baby Campbell when I was away. I wanted nothing more than to meet this little girl when I was finally in the same country, but would never dare risking it with a new virus that we knew nothing about. I had to share in my joy from afar and send this letter and some gifts instead.

Since this letter, I have met baby Campbell, but she wasn't a baby any longer, but a grown-up one-year-old with a sassy attitude and an intelligent cleverness that is going to have her parents in trouble! She was perfect- everything I knew she would be and I was so very proud of my two best friends, but mostly my ride or die, Sarah, when I finally got to see them after all those years.

"My Dearest Sarah,

Every time I think of you, Tyler, and Campbell, I am filled with joy and happiness. Campbell is adorable and I can’t wait to squish her, hold her and play with her all day long. She is the luckiest little girl to have such amazing, genuine, hilarious, and loving parents and to be able to grow up in a household where she will be nurtured and guided to grow up into a beautiful little woman (not too fast though).

I am so grateful to be have been a part of you and Tyler’s life from the beginning and thankful we are all still so close. You guys are an integral part of my life and I know will continue to be so…like literally forever or else. I am beyond proud of you both and can see how strong you both are already as parents. I look up to you both so much and hope to one day create a life of family and love to resemble that.

Sarah, you are one of my greatest friends. I feel like I could tell you the weirdest thing or ask for the most insane advice and you would never judge me, but instead be wise, open-minded and most of all, fucking hilarious. We have had so many outrageous adventures that I can’t wait to tell Campbell but need to do it quickly before she speaks English and can understand what I’m saying. Me and her are going to be besties and I can’t wait to meet her when it’s safe!

I plan on telling her that her mommy and I were snupies and threw the most badass parties at our lil cottage. I’ll tell her about late-night Krispy Kreme runs when mommy met daddy and teach her how to shorten her schoolgirl skirt for "Screw Your Roommate." I’ll teach her to take the blue pills, not the green ones when making snowflakes while eating cannolis during snow days, and of course to watch out for stray Kitty Cudis who may infect her and the entire population of USC with ringworm. I’ll make sure she has the greatest taste in music and get her stomping to Bassnectar and Diplo. I will warn her though to leave EDM parties early so she doesn’t feel like fresh meat and tell her to never ever under any circumstance drink out of the pledge cooler. I will also not fail to mention that she should find her a man who will always run back inside to make sure her straightener is turned off. “House fires are bad,” I’ll say!

The most important thing I can’t wait to teach little Baby Campbell is the importance of great friendships. I hope the strength of our friendship will inspire her and lead as an example. My hope for Campbell is that she will have many friendships like ours where she can be herself, have the most fun, laugh until she cries, and knows she always has someone to lean on.

I love you so much, Sarah and I’m so grateful you are one of my lifelong best friends. Tell Tyler and Campbell I love them too! Congratulations and Cheers to your family!

Love forever and ever,

P.S. I’ve sent a little surprise for Mommy, Daddy, and baby! One is coming all the way from Vancouver, BC so keep a lookout around July 31-Aug 18. The other should arrive sooner between July 28-Aug 6. Can’t wait for you to get this one- it’s very special to me! I’ll give you a hint- it’s one of my favorite things to do in the world and I hope Campbell will love it too!

___________________

This last letter is very dear to me. This is a woman who is me, incarnate. We both can never get over how similar our life paths have been. We seem to go through the same joys and struggles simultaneously and luckily have each other only a phone call away to act as one another's therapist. She knows my every secret and I hers because we both somehow did the same damn things and sought solace in the other for clarity only to find out we had shared almost exact experiences. It's almost uncanny.

We met in middle school at the local dance studio. Back then, dance was life. We went to different schools but saw each other constantly in that studio. We traveled together on weekends and spent summers dancing in New York and Los Angeles where we grew up together and took care of each other.

Dance ended with high school for me. I went to the state university and she moved to LA to chase her dreams. It was our first time being apart for so long and we both got so caught up in our daily lives we didn't speak as much, but when she was back in town or I went to visit her in LA, it was fucking on and we got into the wildest shit together- some of my favorite memories.

After college, I moved to Thailand to teach English and she moved to China to be a bonafide pop star. Because of the visa situation, we couldn't cross the borders to see each other but were amazed yet again at how our paths led us both to Asia of all places. We both fell into hard times a few years later and found ourselves back in our home state of South Carolina. We made the best out of a bad situation and moved into an apartment together in Charleston. That apartment was our paradise and we built each other up and worked together to change both of our lives and fought hard together to pick ourselves out of that situation and create the life of our dreams.

We got into this funny habit of calling each other "mommy' or "mama." We have no idea how it even started, but it still lasts today and we have both agreed it must be because in a sense we are each other's mothers in how we've taken care of each other our whole lives. When that chapter ended, it was really hard for both of us, but we knew we had to be apart again to keep building each other up and we know it's only a matter of time before we've conquered our goals and have the freedom to move as we please and can live close again.

The day we moved out of our apartment we got tattoos in each other's handwriting that says "anam cara." It's one of those words that doesn't translate into other languages easily but vaguely means "soul friend" in Celtic. A few hours later I was on a flight to Miami to start my yachting career and Emily was on a flight to Nashville to keep fighting the good fight as an artist.

We've come a long way since then and have a long way still to go, but know we can do anything with the support of one another. I have since moved to Spain to teach English and Em has made some incredible headway with her career in Nashville. If you are reading this, look her up on Instagram and tik tok: @emilydeahl. She is an amazing musician, singer, songwriter, and performer and I'm so incredibly proud of her. We are currently planning our first European backpacking adventure together and I can't fucking wait.

"My Dearest Em,

Mama, mommy, ma mere, my anam cara! Oh how I love you so and since I do- so so much, I thought it would be fitting to write you a friendship love letter. I haven’t told you enough how much you mean to me and how grateful I am to have you in my life. You are literally the greatest friend and I don’t know what I’d do without you. For the past 18 years or so, you have been by my side, and I yours. Not only do we always have the fucking best time and get into some crazy wild shit, but I am comforted by the fact that you even exist to know I have someone to lean on when shit gets too wild and I hope you know I would do the same for you and am always and will always be here for you. As you put so eloquently, I would literally die for you but maybe not wake up at 4 am for you but then you fucking did anyways and that’s some fucking anam cara shit.

I cannot tell you how immensely proud of you I am. You have some big dreams and most people would’ve given up by now. You have been dealt some shit cards- things that would debilitate most humans, but yet you keep going after it. Your resilience and tenacity are what's going to count in the end. You will be the last one standing and I am so beyond confident that all your wildest dreams are going to come true so whatever you do, keep going! You have a lot coming up and I know you stressy but remember to take it one step at a time and keep believing in yourself. Yes, it’s annoying you literally have to do everything yourself but like Beyonce said, all you have to do is trust in yourself and it will all fall into place and one day soon, shit is going to be easier and everything you are working towards now will all be worth it. If you are ever feeling down or like you can’t take anymore, I hope this letter can at least give you solace that you are killing the game. You are the most genuine, honest, caring, and thoughtful person and that is success in itself. You will get everything you ever want, but until then, just remember you are exactly where you need to be and just being you is already an amazing feat and is enough. You literally got this girl and if anyone can make wild shit happen, it's my bitch.

I am so beyond grateful that I got to come visit you this past weekend. Gotta cherish the time together since we are both on a different path right now, but like it’s happened over and over before, our paths will align again and we’ll be jumping fences in Santa Monica, or cruising down the PCH windows down, weed ablaze with the wind in our hands and smiles in our eyes! Going down memory lane was fucking hilarious last weekend. Some people will live their whole life too scared to live and be on their deathbed dreaming of all the shit we got into in one weekend. When I think of you, I have to laugh. I think of Papa John's cheat days, Jeni's runs, red wine, and black mirra, tripping on my bday with Smokey’s epic gaming light show, being trapped in our amazing apartment during the hurricane, closing down Awendaw Greens, bobbing to Gary Clark Jr, snorting self chopped energy pills after hitchhiking at the baseball tournament, x in San Diego with a green card divorcee, 4 am San Fran tours and Lombard lounging, peeing my pants and meeting Jason Chase, tearing up the Commodore dance floor, New Year's Eve with Grady, watching porn with Mark……just epically running around all of Charleston and the California coast, not to mention the hymen splitting shit we got into as young Lolitas at Strutt and hitting up the high school party circuit and running game over 4 high schools. Hot damn, mama!!

I was thinking about what Christian said the other night- about how those wild memories are behind us and now just serve as a reminder, a look back to crazier times and how now our present and future memories are still memorable but less epic. He mentioned how one common thread in old wild memories of yore is unpreparedness. When you are young and dumb you just walk into any situation unfazed yet unprepared so then the wild story stems out of you fumbling through. While there is some truth to the unpreparedness of our youths, I have to say I full-heartedly disagree with him that future memories will basically be lame because we are older, wiser, and prepared. Are you fucking kidding me? Nah shawty. I think between me and you, we still have some epically wild shit to go. Less unprepared, and more fearless to say yes to whatever situation arises. An intrigue that everyone else is too afraid to pique. I know for me, that shit is way far from passed. I’m just getting started and considering you are my soulmate, I know you feel the same. One day you are going to headline Coachella and I am going to have a Parisian chateau and when you have either of those things, epic shit is bound to happen. All we need is each other and we are prepared for anything and by then, we’ll have a lot more money so a lot more wild things can ensue.

I think that’s one of the reasons we are soul mates because we want something different than the norm and aren’t afraid to fall and go for it. And in that respect, you are such an inspiration to me. You are always working the hardest, always going the longest, always doing the most, and even when you are dealing with tragic situations, you still push through and not just get by, but fucking conquer because you are a badass bitch, Emily the conqueror lol and you will get this bread. I can’t wait till the day when we reunite again and hopefully one of these days we take a freaking vacation together. I am manifesting this now: we will travel together somewhere epic. I’m thinking the Harry Potter train in Scotland, all the Irish pubs in Dublin, DMT self-discovery and an epic hike in Machu Picchu, surfing in Costa Rica, and hiking in New Zealand. Oh, wait, and seeing Glass Animals/ Eminem/ Jack White collab live in some small disclosed location where we are front row. A bitch can dream and I plan to!

In closing, I would just like to reiterate how much you mean to me and how grateful I am you are my best friend. Just know that I will always be here with you on this rollercoaster ride we call life and maybe drive you to the airport at 4:45 am. You are an amazing person and I’m so lucky you are in my life, boo. I cannot wait to see how we shake up this wild world and make it ours. Until then…

Love you the most,

Your anam cara"

If you've read this far, I commend you and hope these letters in some way inspire you to take a deep look at your crew and remember you can choose. Choose the people that make you feel like you can do anything in the world and hang on to them. Friendships go both ways so remember to tell them you love them and make them feel like they are worthy of all the greatness in the world.

Once you have these chosen few, write them a love letter. These are the typed versions, but I actually handwrote on nice stationery and sent them out and each one of these women told me they take it out and reread it when times are tough and the fact that I could do that for them, makes my heart fucking skip a beat.

If you don't feel like you have a tribe yet, keep looking. There are good people out there. And if you need a hype woman or someone to talk to, feel free to reach out: [email protected].

The world seems nuts right now and we're all out here struggling, but I guarantee if we spread a little humanity, we can make this world better one uplifted person at a time.

Do you believe in magic? I do and believe words can change the world. Now, go tell your people you fucking love them. xx