Loud Voices

At twenty-eight years old, I am faced with the continuation of warnings I was issued in my late teens and early twenties. Warnings of how marriage would be. Life. My career. How my desire for no children would change. Everything really. I got married when I was twenty-four and carried with me wise counseling I had collected from the only two happy couples I knew. It has served me well. And the other words of caution? I left them behind.

People like to tell me I am young yet and to give it time, but I have been told that at every stage and imagine until I am in my eighties, there will be someone older telling me to 'give it time'. It can be difficult to reason to others that not every experience will become like theirs or that some things really do boil down to our own personalities and choices around who we will be. That's not to say there are not a great many who end up in relationships built around lies that become difficult to escape. My empathy and heart rests with those stuck in toxic or abusive relationships. You are never responsible for the bad that others choose to do to you.

In regards to more 'normal' and 'healthy' relationships, most others that I have met that are married or in a long term committed relationship, have more negative than positive things to say. The topic of yelling at your spouse came up while watching a movie the other day, and it was surprising that others I knew echoed a feeling of normalcy towards it. Both my spouse and I were rattled at the scene unfolding on the TV and were whispering, "run" to the character being berated in angry bellows. When we expressed later that we had never and will never yell at each other, like at the beginning of our marriage, others dismissed us and said, "Give it time."

Time to what? I value and treasure him for the wonderful and kind human he is. I cannot imagine deeming a moment of emotional anger or upset being worth more to me than his own feelings of safety and security in our marriage.

If you asked me to recall the last time I yelled at someone in anger or emotional anguish, I would have to press deep into my hazy basket of memories to find it. The last things I can recall are all arguments with my mother when I was still a teenager. That's not to say I have not been in escalated situations where I am being yelled at; that has happened often since then. But, I remain calm in those situations, set boundaries, and deescalate or exit them. I just cannot see a reason to be yelling at someone or having a massive fight. It seems unproductive, and certainly is not how I want to love others or be loved.

People are composed at work, so why are they not at home? When I have a stressful day at work, I do not digress to yelling at the people responsible. In fact, I would be mortified if any employees erupted into yelling fits at each other. Certainly in most situations, there would be disciplinary action for such behavior. Imagine if a manager rounded up their team of staff and yelled and belittled each of them at a thunderous volume. Or if a teacher shouted at her third graders because she was struggling to keep control of the situation. It's inappropriate, right? We know this to be wrong and do not dismiss it as normal, and instead seek corrective action.

If people can retain that composure when the environment dictates they must, there is no reason they cannot with their spouse. If corrective action is sought in other situations, there is no reason we should not seek the same accountability in our relationships. That's not to say people won't mess up, but they can start to actively choose otherwise.

But, I also recognize, perhaps me not yelling at anyone in stressful, hurtful, or angering situations is not the expected normal either. Some yell not only at their partner but at family members or friends they are having a heated disagreement with. So the questions is left, why do people yell? Or rather, why do my spouse and I not yell? Far he too has not yelled since adolescent teen years. The simple answer is healthy emotional maturity and awareness through learning to process and communicate my emotions in an effective and compassionate matter.

The long answer is a lot more complex. Yelling stems from a lack of knowing how to communicate, fear of being heard, and feelings of lost control. When we have strong emotions and thoughts about something but do not know how to safely convey those, or if they will be accepted, we erupt into yelling. People are taught early on that yelling is how you get heard. After all, that's what my parents did if I was not listening or doing what they wanted. Many men have the added pressure of being shamed for expressing any emotions other than anger. This leads to men often not saying how they are feeling or expressing their own needs, then later an explosion when those feelings and needs appear to be not considered or valued. How can your partner value what they don't know?

There comes too, a defensiveness people tend to harbor. If my spouse says he's feeling like he's the only one doing chores lately, and he needs help, that is not an insult. That is him communicating a need and how I can support him. My response is to determine what I can do more of, and then in a couple of weeks, I follow up and ask if he feels the same or like he is receiving the help he needs. Mind you, we make these requests gently and with love, rather than as accusations or passive aggressive remarks. There is always time to consider our words before we make a request of the other or state something that has been bothering us.

But what about the big disagreements? What about the things we cannot see eye to eye on? Well, it is alright to not agree on everything and have differences. They make for engaging dialogue a lot of times. But, we do not actually have big disagreements. I picked a partner I was very aligned with who thinks and acts similar to myself in order to find harmony. True we have our differences, but they are differences that make us interesting and appealing to the other.

Alas, there are many things at play. Our childhood, our emotional development as adults, our mental health and conditions, our natural dispositions, and our ability to openly and gently communicate. However, I do believe many of these skills can be learned. We actively make a choice with our partner on the type of relationship we will have. And, for me, that means that normal will never include yelling.