Lost

Sometimes, actually most the time, I feel lost. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember and its never gone away. I’m living a completely different life from those around me, my classmates, my friends, and its hard to explain why life is that way. It’s hard being around people that don’t understand your situation at all, but nobody can ever know someone else’s situation.

February 8th, 2009, I lost my mom. November 12, 2019, I lost my dad. One of the hardest losses people deal with in their lives and I am dealing with it right now, at the age of 17. People like to tell you, “it gets easier” and “you find ways to cope”, but is this the truth? I have been without my mom for 11 years now and its still just as hard on her birthday, or Mother’s Day. It may be even harder than it used to be. I have always been a lot closer to my dad, so as time moves on I don’t know how or if I will be able to deal with the grief.

I don’t blame people for telling us things will get better, because they hope it gets better for us. What we want most people to understand is that, they will never understand how we are feeling, especially because me and my sisters lost our parents while we were so young and the one thing we wish we had is more time. Its hard to think about all of our accomplishments, for me being graduating high school, graduating college, getting my first real adult job, and getting married, and eventually having kids that will never have the chance to meet their amazing grandparents on their moms side. All my kids will get to know are the stories and memories I got to have with them. My boyfriend that I have right now didn’t get the chance to know either of my parents, and that’s hard for me.

People don’t know what else to say to you, and lots of times they feel bad when they talk to you about your parents. Its not something to feel bad about, its still something we enjoy talking about as if you knew them or as if they were still here with us. Just like everyone else we have great memories with our parents, and we learned a lot from them. We just need those people that ask us about them, and want to know about that stuff as if they could meet them, because its hard making new friends that didn’t know your parents but at least you can talk about them, and tell them what they were like, it helps. However, its not always the best time.

My dad was my best friend, no doubt. He was the person that was my role model and he was always going to be there and support me through everything. Losing my dad was the worst experience I will ever have to go through. I remember being there with him, while he was in the hospital not able to speak to us. Seeing him like that will be in my head forever and being next to him while he cried for the last time, I flipped out and immediately used the tissues to wipe the tears off his face. It was so hard seeing him like that. I would sit there with him and not be able to leave his side, my sisters would say it’s time to leave and it would take me over an hour to say goodbye. All because I never knew if he was still going to be there in the morning when I came back. This was in November, and people are saying it gets easier, yet I still can’t type this all without tears falling from my face.

Grief is hard, and sometimes it hurts a lot and other times you don’t feel the pain as much. It never goes away. I wish every day that I could lay in my dads arms again one last time and watch movies with him, or go truck driving with him, or blast the music at home with him. Anything with him one last time would be amazing. I hope this lost feeling in my gut will go away and I will find myself and be happy, but a part of me will always be lost and there is not really anything I can do to change that. But as my dad said, “Just tryin to get along in life doing the best I can.”