Listen with your heart

Do you believe in signs, fate, or destiny? I am always looking for signs. Help from the universe with direction. Life is complicated; I'm sure we all can agree on that statement. I was very young when I started to believe in listening and paying attention to your soundings. I can thank Dinsey's Pocahontas for that.

But first, some back story. I have been struggling with my extraordinary daughter since the day she was born. At first, it was the fact that she would never sleep. I know babies have different sleep patterns, but I'm serious. She would never sleep unless she were swinging in her swing. Due to my lack of sleep, I started doing weird things. Put the milk in the cupboard or my purse in the fridge. I tried to smother my daughter's father with a pillow in my sleep one night. He claims I was screaming while doing it. That was a sign that I needed to do something about the sleeping situation. So, I put Haylee in her swing to sleep every night while I slept on the couch beside her. I finally got some rest and became saner again!

The years to follow got harder and harder. Finally, in Haylee's poop-smearing phase (which still happens occasionally), I had to rip out the carpet and repaint the walls. The smell was eventually not coming out, and cleaning solutions were also destroying the carpet and walls. As she grew, Haylee developed aggressive behaviours. At first, they were only to herself, but eventually towards other children and me. Haylee had to leave her first daycare. Her second daycare also did not go well. Haylee started to come home with marks on her body. The lady was getting too violent trying to contain Haylee's behaviours. I pulled her out and found a facility that would help cater to Haylee's needs. Haylee has been there for the past eight years, but now they have to say goodbye. With my daughter reaching puberty, they fear her aggressiveness might become harder to manage. Plus, Haylee still poops her pants. The facility is not equipped to handle pre-teen poopy pants. I've been lucky enough to find a wonderful woman that understands my situation and is willing to give watching Haylee while I work a try. She does have other younger children, but she also has two helping hands with all the kids.

Daycare and behaviours have not been my only struggle. Housing has been challenging. Being a single mother for the majority of Haylee's life, finding affordable places was difficult. After Haylee's dad left when she was just a toddler, I had to move out. I could not afford the home we were in on just my salary. The basement suite my parents helped me get was my haven. The walls were cement. So, neighbours could not hear my daughter's aggressive behaviours. We were there for almost three years until I fell in love with a man that was helpful with raising Haylee. We moved in together. He became my new haven for two years. Haylee was so good when he was home. I got some relief. I even started to make friends at work and discovered the gym. I began to remember what it was like to live. But my haven fell apart when he started to work a lot. Our relationship was starting to fall apart. I began to fall back into the lifeless personality when I was alone with Haylee and her behaviours. Haylee started to break things around the house in her state of aggression and punch holes in the walls and doors.

Finally, my family talked to me about placing Haylee into home care. The man I was living with agreed with my family but would honour whatever I chose. I could not give up on my child and dismissed the idea. Knowing my life would get worse upon leaving my boyfriend, I did it anyway. I found Haylee and me a lovely tiny apartment that my grandma was living in also, which was nice. I would ask her to come over while I had a bath. She could never stay long because Haylee was too intimidating for her. I understood. Haylee's behaviours started to become a problem in the building. I got phone calls from the landlord to try and keep her behaviours to a minimum the best I could. I asked Haylee's father for some help. Take Haylee on some weekends; give me a break. He agreed on every second weekend, which turned into every second Saturday after a couple of months. (He was busy with excuses) After a few years of gentle pushing from Haylee's professional team, I signed up for a respite facility call RRRC. I knew I had to use it because I was contemplating suicide to have a break and make the chaos disappear. I was beyond not well.

The thought of the family wishing I would just put Haylee into a professional facility rose in my mind, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it. After only four months, Haylee and I had to leave the tiny apartment. My neighbours were calling social services over the behaviours they heard through the walls. I was excepted into Regina Housing. They placed Haylee and me into a duplex. I was honest right away with my daughter's behaviours toward our injoining neighbour. He claimed he understood, but that soon proved to be wrong. My neighbour tried to get us evicted. He almost succeeded too. After using resources to my full advantage, Regina Housing moved Hayle and me to a stand-alone bungalow, which worked for us on many levels.

With the use of the respite home, I knew I still needed more. So, with the newfound confidence I invoked while dealing with my "almost" eviction, I made a meeting with Haylee's father forcing him to step up, agreeing to a one-week on one week off arrangement. Then, with my newfound freedom and willingness to live outside of Haylee, I asked a friend I met online to coffee. See, I asked the universe for my forever partner. The man that was going to save me in the end. This friend I asked for coffee, I was drawn to him all of a sudden. Facebook made sure he was everywhere on my page. So, I took the hint. Again, things went well, and soon he was in-home support for Haylee and me. Glad I listened to the signs because he is now my fiance.

Fast forward to the present. My now fiance currently has a job that takes up most of his time. As a result, he is no longer the in-home support that I require. I fear I will revert to my unconscious state—the time in my life where suicide was meant as an exit. As a result, I have been contemplating the professional care home facility again in my mind. Where all of this ties together is I needed signs. I needed to know what I'm supposed to do. So I put this into the hands of the universe. Would you please guide me? My prayers went out on a Sunday night a few weeks ago. After lunch the following day, I received a phone call from a new worker with social services. She is the agent that I would talk to about getting Haylee placed in a home care facility. Now that is a pretty bold answer. An "ask you shall receive" statement. So I did just that. Upon her introduction, I hit her with, "I need to put Haylee into a care home facility." It probably wasn't what she was expecting during our very first phone call. But, neither less the situation was there as things have been continuing since that phone call, such as more phone calls and in-person meetings. More signs have been noticed. How randomly a friend of my mom's happened to be over that worked in group home settings. She told me success stories of families that put their children into care. I soon ran into more people that also had success stories without me even me bringing it up, like they just randomly had to talk about it since I had a unique child. Last week was rough with Haylee.

The police were called during a situation by an onlook spectator. I had Haylee booked into RRRC for the weekend. Upon picking her up, a worker told me that Haylee had the best time and was on her best behaviour. I said to myself, "Of course she was good for you. You're able to provide the attention that she needs to have a great day." Well, that was all I needed. The light bulb shone above my head. Haylee needed home care. The universe did a perfect job of providing me with my answer. I'm in emotional pain with the decision, but Haylee will get the care she needs. I make the decision final at the end of this week.

If you need help in life—the guidance and answers to your path. Take the time to listen to your surroundings. Life is helping us every day to make decisions or slight pushes towards our path.

In words from Grandmother Willow, "Listen with your heart and you will understand"