Like mother, like...

Mom,

To be honest, most times, I hate you. Surprisingly, that was the easiest thing to write.

Because of you, I have locked away most of my childhood memories in a very dark place. There is nothing that I can dig up and say “Wow, so glad to remember this!”... It’s actually the opposite. You were never around anyway so it doesn’t really matter - that’s fine. You not being around made me popular anyway. My house was the free, fun house. We could have done whatever we wanted; made me cool, I guess.

One thing that never sat right with me though, was you never giving me an explanation when I found your letter. I mean, at ten, who really wants to find out that their mother never wanted them in the first place? And why would you even keep that letter? Dumb, but okay. Did you want me to find it? Your mind is so twisted I wouldn’t put it past you. I never asked to be here. But I could imagine your disdain; not wanting to have a kid then finding out you're having two. Imagine you tried to get rid of us and couldn't even do that. Actually no, you did succeed... but I survived. Sorry. Or maybe that whole story was a lie too, who knows? Either way, you made it clear - in no uncertain terms - that you didn't want me.

Every time you look at me, you just stare at me and it's fucking creepy. I see the guilt behind your eyes - or it’s probably just disgust, and well, that just gets me angry. Hence, I am the most bitter person I know - doesn’t show though... I hope. But cool, you didn’t want me and you were forced to have me blah blah blah... who cares? Different times I guess.. whatever.

I never understood why you tried to do it. Promised myself I would never do that... but then I did. It was disgusting. Guess I’m just like you. Proud yet? My reasons were different though... or maybe that’s my way of convincing myself otherwise. We'll never know. Doesn’t matter. Moving on.

I spent most of my life trying to be perfect so you can accept me, so I could just fit in. That mostly turned into you just being envious of me. I have the life you wanted... now I understand.

It took me having a child of my own to understand that the certain things you can’t enjoy anymore were what you wanted. You couldn't wait for me to grow up. You needed to find a man or something in every way possible - to fill your own pathetic void. That is what was so important to you. So you would go and come whenever... stay away for however long... sell everything in the house... have us living out of a cooler and expect everything to be okay when you come back.

No thanks.

You do things now because that is what you think is expected of you, but you aren’t true to yourself so it comes across as fake. You portray this image now because you are ashamed of the person you used to be, but that person... was your true self. I rather that person over this one any day.

If it’s one thing I learned from you, it is to not be like you at all. Not saying you are a bad person - you're great - but now I understand that you are not the type of person I want to become. I rather be honest and accept myself than constantly live a lie. I am tired pretending.

You...

unknowingly, molded me into the strong mother I am today. I have so much to thank you for, honestly. This is the hardest part for me; admitting that you did right by what I believed to be wrong. Because of you, I live my whole life for my kids to ensure that they are mentally and emotionally happy. I have so much patience with them. I am open and honest with them. We talk and have conversations. They know everything about me, even my flaws and I am not ashamed. We developed a bond that I know is irreplaceable and it is from this brokenness that we have become whole.

So yea... thank you mom for bringing me up the way you wanted to - in your honest way.

Your failure has taught me a lot... and for that I am grateful.

Love,

An Only Child.