Let's Get Clear On Parenting.

Parenting is hard, but it is even harder when professionals interpret things as neglectful that are not.

Parents should be able to trust professionals, but many often find themselves in a legal battle, not because they have done anything wrong, but because things get misconstrued or twisted in ways that they shouldn't.

This is not about violence or abuse.

It is about some of the things that are said, which have been interpreted as neglectful, that are not.

Here are some of the things that were seen as neglect when I was parenting, with explanations as to why this was totally wrong.

1. The kids were always dirty.

It seems this gets banded around alot, and in the wrong context. It is normal for kids to get dirty when they are playing out, and to occassionally get food down their clothes; especially very young children.

It's only neglectful if the kids are left constantly dirty.

Mine weren't.

They were bathed most nights, washed, and the washing machine was constantly working because it was washing their clothes.

Of course, there are instances where some parents are neglectful, and do not clean their kids. However, professionals and others are not at our houses 24hrs/7 days a week. They may turn up when the kids have been out, or just finished a meal, and are messy, which is perfectly normal.

What isn't normal, is when they are constantly dirty and parents do not encourage them to be clean, or teach them how to do it.

In my days a messy child was a healthy child within reason.

So, when judging this, it needs to be in context of:

How often? What do the parents do? What events are happening at that time? Why?

A child being dirty is not always neglectful.

2. The house is always messy.

Messy?

In what way?

All of the time?

Why?

What is your context of messy?

It is a well known fact that parents can not be expected to be spotless all of the time.

You may go round there, one day, and find a large pile of washing on the floor. At other times, every room may have unmade beds or toys everywhere, and the one professionals seem to really hate,

washing up left in the sink.

There is a big difference between 'messy' and 'untidy.'

I would be worried if there was piles of food all over the place, or so much washing up that it looked as if there was mould growing on it, and a very smelly and filthy bathroom.

Here is another fact, which was something I was picked on for:

Toys.

Parents cannot spend all day, tidying toys, and children must learn to tidy them themselves if they are old enough.

Here is another point:

I would feel extremely concerned if I saw parents tidying the toys away all day. Children must be allowed to play, it is their right as a child to play.

Of course, if a parent or child cannot move for toys, then some must be tidied, but older children must be taught the responsibility of doing it themselves.

In reality, if you are going to walk into a house where there are children, you must accept there is going to be some mess.

It should not be about the mess itself. It should be about whether the parents are managing and how they are coping with the mess. A personal opinion on tidying, just because you don't do things their way, should never come into it.

A professional's job is to see how the children and family are coping.

Mess within reason, is not neglect.

3. They eat the same food every night.

Ask yourself;

What are you really seeing?

Do you see them eating the same food every night?

Let me tell my story, of which I am not ashamed to tell because this is the truth.

A professional once came to my house on a Friday evening, whilst my children were having their tea.

That evening we did Lasagne and Chips, which was a tradition on a Friday evening, in our house.

This professional did not visit every night, in fact;

this was the first visit, and she had never seen my children have tea before.

She proceeded to ask them what was for tea, and one of my son's who had certain disabilities told her 'Lasagne and chips.' which was true for that evening.

She came round on other days after that, and she could see that the children were eating other foods, however she insisted on asking my disabled son who assumed he was having the same food before it was cooked and served, as he sometimes did.

She ignored what was on their plates, and assumed because my son said so, that that was what they were having every night.

She wrongly wrote it in her notes, which was not right, and unprofessional of her.

The result? Every other professional believed her, just like she unwittingly said that my youngest son had never seen a piece of fruit in his life, even though other professionals had seen him with a variety of fruits, and still went with her words.

This is not neglect, it is misinformation caused by that worker not listening to the parents.

4. The kids are always late for school.

What?

Always?

For what reasons?

Where the school informed?

Getting to school could be difficult, because at this point, we did not have a car, and the buses were very irregular, often being late, or missing.

There were also vital medical appointments that had to be attended, such as ear specialists for one of my sons who had problems with his ears, and disability specialists for one of my other sons who had problems with his legs.

Here is a fact, that was applicable at this time.

Important appointments were given during school hours because the appointments could not wait, or be scheduled around school times.

I think it would have been more neglectful to have allowed one of my children attend school with a dripping ear and in agony, don't you?

I could understand it if I had taken them out on purpose for a holiday, but I did not.

As a caring parent, I was trying to get their health needs met. This is not neglect, but it would have been neglectful of schools and professionals for stopping me from meeting my childrens health needs which at that time, where a bigger priority than school.

If professionals wanted those appointments changing, they should have contacted them after I had explained it, though they would have found it very difficult to change them.

These are just some of the things I was criticized for as a parent, and often I got the blame for them, as did my husband.

I don't hold a grudge with professionals, and obviously safeguarding children is important. However, here is the point I want to be clear on:

Professionals need to think before they speak. A young child may say that they are having the same food every night, whilst tha.t might not be the case.

A parent can be struggling with issues such as Domestic Abuse, but still love their children. I have been here, and it is easy to misjudge what you can't see.

A parent who is having a difficult time, or making mistakes and having problems is not always a neglectful parent. Some time, parents have to change things, or may be struggling. They need support, not criticism, and not all parents in this position are abusing their children.

It is important to be truthful. When it comes to appointments, for example, parents cannot be in two places at once.

It is catch 22, but let us do more helping than judging, shall we?