Let's Talk about Toxic Parenting

This conversation has become popular within the last year, with people young or old, getting personal as they share and discuss their upbringing and how truly damaging it was to their mental health.

This has allowed a lot of people to recognize particular patterns that don't need to be physically abusive. It can go two ways, either neglectful or emotionally and mentally abusive.

Today, I share with you my personal experience as well as introduce to you articles containing ways to heal your inner child and acknowledge your childhood and how it affected you.

What is Toxic Parenting?

Toxic parenting is the style of parenting that can cause emotional, mental, and behavioral issues to children and teens. Most methods of toxic parenting can stem from manipulative and narcissistic statics to “control” the child.

Now because of the conversation regarding punishment, and analyzing that as child abuse has grown within the last year, especially in predominately POC communities. I grew up in a household where if you did something wrong, you would be spanked. This was something that I always thought was normal, and necessary in parenting. That is until recently.

This brings me to the first topic which is a form of punishment in reprimanding a child.

If you have to hit your child, to let them know that what they’re doing is wrong, understand that is abuse.

The adverse effects of Corporal Punishment

An article from parentingscience.com, it says children who are spanked, tend to get worse over time. “Research suggests that spanking increases a child’s risk of becoming more antisocial and distressed. Kids are also more likely to develop negative relationships with their parents.”

It shares that “A study of low-income European-American, African-American, and Mexican-American toddlers found that kids who were spanked at 12 months were more likely to have aggressive behavior problems at age 3. They also scored lower on the Bayley test of mental development”

And in an article that was published by the American Psychological Association, (APA for short) discusses corporal punishments have adverse effects and an African American child is more likely to be assaulted, seriously injured, or even killed by a family member due to these certain parenting tactics.

Here is an article on Discipline and Punishment from that source. You can find it by clicking here.

We understand that the tactic of this is to prevent the child from making that decision again or to prevent the child from making bad decisions. But, it shows in that article that hitting your child can actually cause them to be rebellious, and act out.

Like Alanis Morisette said, “Isn’t it ironic?”

Where "Discipline" Originated From?

The history of these punishments actually stemmed from racism, and according to apa.org, came from white slave masters who beat their slaves as a form of control. In fact, “whupping your child” wasn’t even something from African cultural practices.

Oh god.

Now I don’t want to be the person to say this, but I guess I will.

Everything seems to be about race.

Now parents who probably are scoffing at me sharing this idea might even bring the bible verse of sparing of the rod of spoiling the child, the same bible that also has slaves. It wouldn’t make much sense to be using that example, also because most of the ideologies came from the times, and what was deemed acceptable at the time. The bible wouldn’t be a great excuse to physically abuse your child.

Are they safer ways to Reprimand your Child?

Another thing they might use as an argument is “Well if your child acts out, what are we supposed to do?” There are a plethora of resources, as well as therapists that can help you to engage in helping and communicating with your child properly. If you can’t take the time to figure out how to properly parent and take care of your child without hitting them, is a sign of lazy, abusive parenting.

Another thing that parents today need to stop doing is listing what they do for their children, and using it as an excuse for their abusive and neglectful behaviors. But, we’re gonna name this one “I put a roof over your head.”

Usually, when a parent uses this example, it’s towards their reaction to their child not doing something for them, or doing something that they think is rude. This is actually seen as a manipulation tactic. It’s used to make you feel guilty about your actions and instead to make your actions mainly on your parent’s approval.

Here’s what’s wrong with that tactic. Putting a roof over your head, feeding you, and putting clothes on your back is something a parent IS SUPPOSED TO DO. It’s literally the bare minimum of what a parent is supposed to be doing. If you fail to do this as a parent, this can result in neglect and possible removal of their children from that parent.

Lisa Pontius made a Tiktok video, explaining why that particular response isn’t okay and why doing that is actually crucial in basic parenting stating “You’re supposed to take care of your child, provide a roof over their head, feed them, and do the hundreds of things, small and large, that help them grow into a functional adult.”

Though it is understandable that these are sacrifices, and they are appreciated, at least from what I’m saying, I believe I can speak for a lot of children and/or young adults when I say it’s appreciated. But that being constantly used to guilt a child is extremely manipulative. Why must you list what you’ve done as a parent to your child? It comes off as very toxic and odd. Why can’t you just say that you aren’t happy with the actions they made? Why must you take it a step further and explain what you’ve done for them?

I never was a fan of that example and to this day, I make a face whenever I hear it being used.

Now the third example of parenting that’s very toxic is ignoring boundaries that children setting boundaries.

Teaching a Child Boundaries:

When someone sets a boundary, it’s usually because they feel uncomfortable with something, and wanted to send said boundary to prevent ever feeling that kind of discomfort. But when certain parents like to overstep and disregard those boundaries, it really is a reflection of the general respect the parent has for said child.

In an article from lifehack.org with the title reading “13 Signs of a Toxic Parent That Many People Don’t Realize” *ahem* it explains that “parents can justify keeping a close eye and in certain situations, it may even be necessary snooping around to keep them safe. However, everyone needs to learn to set boundaries for themselves, especially teenagers.

It even goes further to explain that parents who explain that parents who do this cause an issue in their relationship with their child. Something such as coming into a teen’s room without knocking will cause bad patterns that might even shape their personal and social boundaries in the future.

So what did we learn from this article? That parenting is definitely difficult, but with patience, and empathetic understanding, you can build a better connection with your parent. Taking steps to be a better parent, is a lot better than ignoring it. Being a kid can be a lot sometimes, take what you've experienced to connect better with your kids through kinder words, and an open mind.

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