Lessons Learned From Being Raised By a Toxic Mother

My mom died almost nine months ago. Sometimes I feel as though I should be ashamed by the fact that I do not have all the emotions I hear and read about when it comes to the loss of a parent. I want to contribute that to the fact that Mom had such an awful terminal illness for so long. ALS is a disease like no other I have ever seen and the day she was freed from the now useless prison of her earthly body was a day of relief. I was so happy that she no longer had to suffer. The last year had been absolute Hell on Earth for her. The two years leading up to that Hell had not been a walk in the park either. She lost her ability to stand, walk, eat, and talk. And as those skills became extinct, so did her dignity, physical appearance, and sense of pride. Watching her endure such humiliation, struggle, and pain was a gut-wrenching experience no family should ever have to experience. But as much as I want to write-off my numbness as a natural side to what I , I know that I am experiences the results of the coping mechanisms I had developed over the past forty years. My mother was a toxic human being. The fact that she has passed from this life does not change who she was while she was here. I could lie. I could make up fluff and spew niceties because those would be the societal expectations of someone who lost their mother. If you grew up with one of those "walk on water" mothers, you now think I am a horrible person - cold and heartless - but I can assure you that I am not. What I am is . Broken, but mending. Being raised by someone who parents using shame and manipulation as their primary parenting tools can damage a sweet and sensitive child's psyche. I will give credit where credit is due - I still learned from her. It may have been unhealthy coping mechanisms or internalizing and ignoring my feelings, but I learned. I was shaped. I am and actively reshaping myself with a vengeance. Here are three I learned while being raised by a mother with toxic personality traits.

1. Boundaries are healthy.

I was well into adulthood before understood that strong healthy boundaries were something needed in everyone's life to preserve their own mental well-being. As someone who would be naturally characterized as a giver, you must know your limitations because the takers of the world with take and take until you have nothing left to give of yourself. I spent a lot of years afraid to set any boundary. The codependency becomes strong when you feel like you are responsible for predicting everyone's wants and needs keep them content. I can still remember the day as a young child a church member asked me if I wanted something. I replied with a simple "No." Apparently, the rudeness of her young child was too much for my mother who, as soon as we were out of view and earshot, gruffly grabbed me by the back of the arm and leaned into my ear saying, "Telling other people is rude." For years after that incident, I did countless that I did not want to do, ate foods I did not like, went to places and events I had no to be at, and stayed in friendships and relationships that never should have formed in the first place. I had no boundaries. If I ever tried to set a boundary, the guilty feeling of letting others down consumed me. Feeling responsible for the happiness of others lead me to believe that taking care of yourself was selfish and should be sacrificed keep the peace. I would not suggest training your children to feel this way unless you think they will live their best lives feeling burned out and taken advantage of. They will struggle to make even the most simple of decisions. Anxiety will overtake them, even if they do not show it on the surface. They will avoid speaking up when they are or troubled leading to the vicious cycle that is inevitably created when you do not know how to or will not build that fortress of protection around yourself. You don't have to be in physical danger to need a boundary. You need to recognize when something inside of you is being violated. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but you. You are allowed to refuse to take part in . You are sanctioned to distance yourself from people. permissible to make decisions based on what is best for you. Once you make those decisions, acceptable for others to be displeased with those decisions. When I began drawing the figurative lines in the sand as an adult, my mother would often disregard them which is what led to the demise of any respect I had for her as a person. I will share a examples. I have plenty of illustrations that I would categorize as minor. crossing the line of would be the norm of genuine love and respect. I came home to flowers planted at my new home which sounds like a nice thing until I reveal that I specifically told her on occasions that I did not want flowers planted at my new home. I do not enjoy gardening. had three young children at the time and did not need anything else to take care of. blatantly stated to her that I did not want this, but she did it anyway. It didn't matter that my home, what she wanted usurped what I wanted and thus led to the planting of flowers in front and rear of my home. Another time, when I returned from vacation, I found where she had gone around "touching up" she thought need to be painted. Slap a bit of paint on how she worded it. instead of the minor flaw, I now found random, mismatched paint spots on throughout my home. The day I lost the day I was sitting on the edge of my porch talking to my dad. During our causal conversation, I look over at the column and notice random "paint slaps" on the facade. I stop mid conversation and ask him if she painted here. He dropped his head and replied he didn't know and APOLOGIZED that she did that. These are not painted columns and she ruined them. They were not flawed in any way this by the way. I still don't know why she took it upon herself to do it. I think the most disrespectful thing she ever did was when my child spent the night with them for the first time so that my husband and I could have a much-needed weekend away. Our eldest was about ten months old. His hair was fine and wispy. It had yet to be as we were following the tradition of not cutting it until he was a year old but not what would be qualified as long. The proud grandma wanted to take her new grandchild to church to show him off, but not before he looked as she thought he should look. She cut his hair. I missed my child's first haircut. When I picked him up and noticed I inquired if she cut his hair. She smiled and said, " a trim. It looks so much better!" I was so hurt! When I attempted to get her to understand why what she did was not acceptable she brushed aside every word I said until I tried to make a comparison of how she would feel if my grandmother had done that to her. Her response? "Don't you dare compare me to that woman!" I'm sorry, what? Your child is pouring out her heart to you and that is your focus. Okay then, I create an emotional distance where you will no longer hurt me if I can help it. What could have been a boundary is now a chasm. I am no longer the little girl you can wrongly shame into submission. And so began a where I wouldn't allow her an inch if I could prevent it. When it comes to my own children, I am teaching them that healthy to make decisions based on what is best for you. Not in a selfish, self-centered, I'm the thing that matters kind of way, but in a way that lets them seek to truly become a healthy, well-rounded individual that is creating their best life by pursuing the ideas and people that they are passionate about without worrying whether everyone else will give their stamp of approval. A weeks back, our middle child decided he would like to take a break from learning piano. I had seen the writing on the wall and supported his decision. His teacher, , did not want him to stop. In an to promote what she thought was best for him, she had made him feel shame and guilt for pursuing his current . He came to the car fighting back tears, which is not the norm for this happy-go-lucky child. the dam that he had built during the lesson exploded he confessed that he felt like he was letting her down. She had told him how much she looked to seeing him every Monday and that working with such a joyful spirit always brightened the start of her week. My child was thinking his job to make this person happy even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness. I sobbed as I confessed similar struggles from my own childhood and shared the edited for content version of the story of what happened when I told his grandma I no longer wanted to take piano lessons. (In case you are curious in the unedited version: I worked up the courage to mutter the words to my mother that I no longer wanted to play piano. She was standing over my shoulder at the time. She sighed, launched into a tirade of how I will never be successful in life if I was going to be a quitter, and told me to play the song. When I stood my ground, which I did, she began to administer corporal punishment. I remember laying on the ground wailing as she hit my backside without mercy while screaming "Do you still want to quit?!" My response was continually some version of a sobbing yes. She gave up and stomped away in what she deemed as righteous anger.) I spent the of our short car ride home explaining to my tenderhearted child that not his responsibility to create happiness in a grown woman's life. wonderful to spread kindness and bring joy to others, but never your job to sacrifice your own desires and continue in unhappiness to make a person who was a stranger mere months ago feel appeased. Oh, how I wish I had known this sooner in life! so beneficial to know your limits and develop those boundaries. not selfish to develop the life you are joyous to live. In doing so, there may be times that other people feel the need to blame you and your resistance to catering to their every whim as the fault that led to their temporary displeasure. Well, I say shame on them. Look in the mirror friend. Is it not selfish and self-righteous of you to expect that we should somehow cater to your every ? It took me a long time to learn that healthy for me to develop boundaries and what is healthy and good for me and my family. , its still a struggle, but I am determined at this point to create my best life and if that is not permissible to anyone in my path they are welcomed to step aside. mother, I want to thank you for showing me the damage that can be caused by a lack of boundaries. I will never disrespect my adult children by making them feel as if whatever boundary they create is burden or disappointment to me in any way. I thank you for teaching me the necessity of healthy, honest relationships and will use this knowledge as my children grow and develop into strong, flourishing adults who are able to where those tough lines have to be preserve their own happiness and well-being. Thank you, Mother, for I now know without a doubt boundaries are healthy and necessary, not something to feel guilt and shame over.

2. Being filled with grace and directly honest is kinder than being hyper-critical and passive-aggressive.

Inferiority complexes will lead even the most capable individuals to look for flaws in others. Pointing out the flaws of others creates a distraction from your own flaws, putting you in a position of superiority...albeit a facade. I had no idea the world was filled with people who didn't make it their mission to let you know all the ways you were coming up short in life. All I ever knew was stress and fear of disappointing my mother. This carried over into all aspects of my life because I assumed everyone was assessing me at all times. Once my inadequacies had been determined (and discussed with anyone who would listen) then up to me to guess the *correct* course of action in needed to take. I mean, why would anyone present something with kindness when sarcasm and passive-aggressive comments are the more effective way to go. Heaven forbid you were unable to surmise what was wanted of you instead of what you were doing. This will lead to anger burst filled shame sessions. The way to survive this is to learn in a constant state of tension to juggle everything enough to keep her in the range of content. You learn to lie to keep the peace, you learn to take on blame and shame that doesn't belong to you. Trying to guess the needs and desires of another person who refuses to lay their copy of the rules on the table is exhausting and damaging. Once they tell you how you have made them unhappy, prefaced with some line , "I hinted and hinted. You don't care about me, do you?" Yeah, that feels good to hear from the person you started out loving more than any other human on the planet. I learned that although she was able to see imperfection in others, NOT acceptable to ever mention anything she did that harmed you in any way. A well-organized, heartfelt conversation you had been trying to the boldness to speak in a weak and trembling voice would be greeted with a hyperbolic statement to end dialogue in its tracks. "Well, I guess I am a horrible mother, aren't I?!?" was a common retort to any exchange that might be disguised as push-back or anti-praise. Well, no mother, me stating it upset me when you were more concerned with checking the receipt to see if the pillow rang up $2.50 off instead of buckling your grandchild into his car seat which lead to him riding all the way home unsecured doesn't lead to such hyperbole. I should be able to be direct, talk it through, release, and forgive. , that was selfish of me. I'm so sorry your failings and the consequences there of have led to my horrid emotions as a daughter. Please accept my sincere apologies for any harm I might have caused YOU because we never want you to have to admit any failing. I retract my statement and replace it with physical and emotional distance with a side of distrust and scorn to boot. Once I found my voice, she began to label me as rude because I was blunt and bold. If I decided to bit my tongue , I would be branded as moody. In her mind, kinder to either say nothing while seething or hoping that someone would guess what need/ may be. They have after all. They are not perfect like you. You know what you acceptable but others have to learn the hard way that your version of perfect and wrong. Best wishes and warmest regards as you navigate that minefield. Mom, I am so sorry you felt you had to treat others this way. I hate the fact that you felt honesty was rude and kinder to lie then gossip about it behind someone's back. I truly didn't know that everyone didn't do that. probably wouldn't have become such an introvert if I had known some people would let you speak open and without any long term consequence. also wouldn't have feared failure so much. Turns out a large of the population that is filled with forgiving grace when you fall or make a mistake. Who knew perfection is an illusion that so recognize as a steaming pile of BS? I didn't know for a long time, but I will tell you my children will know. They will know you often learn more from mistakes than successes. Your grandchildren will be accepted for being the child they were created to be instead of trying to turn themselves into whatever their dad and I thought they would be. That does not mean I will never correct their paths or disagree with their choices, but when I do, I will do so directly and . When I have said what I need to say, it will be over, and they will be free to make a decision and live with the consequences - good, bad, or indifferent. No I told you so. No discussion with extended family about how I KNEW that was a horrible idea. I am their safe house - a soft place to land when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. The passive-aggressive enigma of a parent/child relationship ends with me, Mother. , thank you, Mother, for showing me the importance of opened and honest communication. I appreciate the lessons you shared in honesty and directness.

3. A parent can do the best they can and still damage you.

My mother was an overachieving perfectionist. The quote under her senior yearbook photo that was flanked by a plethora of accolades read "Anything she does, she does well". This is a woman who did not fail well and would do pretty much anything in her power to succeed in whatever she was attempting. I know, from her own mouth, that she had some pretty serious scars from childhood that were ignored. Her adult life was plagued with some heart breaking including a marriage marred with adultery and eventual divorce, the birth of a child with serious physical anomalies, and the loss of a child who was stillborn. By the time I came along, she was broken. And, as the saying goes, the people who need lovethe most are the hardest to love. She was an injured soul who never dealt with her demons and as a result, she hurt the ones who loved her. She hurt us to the point that the love we felt was the obligatory kind of love. I love you out of the respect I hold for your title. I love because you are my mother. The love I felt for my Mom is not what I see in other maternal relationships. Mother's Day filled my social media feed with posts of love, honor, respect, adult best friendships, and endless other homages in honor or in memory of the one who cared for them, shaped them, and love them without condition. I do not have that. I do not have the warm as I look back at our journey together. do not believe my mother intended to wrong or harm us in any way, but she was so blinded by her unrealistic expectations and borderline narcissistic tendencies she never bonded with any of us. We had a surface relationship at best. As a parent, I fail but my children hear times a day that they are special, beautiful, smart, loved, wanted, incredible human beings. When we are wrong in a situation, my husband and I go to them and apologize and make corrections to the situation. They will not leave my home undamaged or flawless, but they will never feel as if they are an inconvenience or a disappointment. Thank you, mother, for teaching me the importance of being self-aware of how my actions and attitudes affect others.

Not everyone is meant for motherhood. I know you felt the societal pressure to succumb to it because it was what you were supposed to do, but it was not for you. Thank you for trying and although the road was bumpy and sometimes broken, I learned many things from you and for that I am grateful.