Last Breath

What did it really mean to die?

I don’t know, I don’t really know.

But my thoughts wandered all over the place as I bled out on the floor of my garage. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I reached for my phone, trying to grab my phone and dialing 9-1-1.

And all at once, that energy left me as the woman on the other side answered.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

I struggled to speak, unable to use my voice. Why? Why couldn’t I speak? Why now?

I felt so weak, like I would faint any second, but I needed to stay here. Stay in this moment. Don’t go.

It hurt. I was in so much pain now. I screamed. I couldn’t stop screaming. I couldn’t feel my legs.

“Ma’am?” the woman on the other end was saying words, I couldn’t make out the words. Everything felt so blurry, I felt like I was far away somewhere. I couldn’t see. The world swirled together like a dream. But the pain, it wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t breathe.

I dropped the phone on the ground, now both hands on my stomach. I wasn’t going to make it through this, was I?

It hurt, the pain… It hurt me so much. I couldn’t hold the tears in my eyes back.

My mind wandered to my life, which played before me like a movie. What was my life?

My parents looked at me with such love in their eyes. They were such beautiful people. That was the first thing I thought of, their eyes…

I saw myself in diapers, a small girl with no teeth. A silly girl. And I cried, like a child, as the girl fell to the ground. My mother picked me up and told me everything was gonna be okay. It made me feel so safe to be in her arms.

Was I over?

My mother was strict, but very kind. Sometimes, she pushed me far too hard, but I understood. I resented her for a long time, but came to appreciate that part of her too. She loved me and saw wonderful things in me, I knew that she loved me.

Was it over?

My father was a good man, a supportive man. The more fun parent, you could definitely say. But he wasn’t very good at discipline. We had a solid relationship.

My parents brought me to my first day of school, which made me cry. I always cried. I was a crybaby child.

Did everything just end?

But to my surprise, I had an absolute blast that first day of school. I made some many friends and learned so many wonderful new things. I loved it there.

Was there a heaven or hell?

And the day my younger brother was born. I ignored him the first day he existed. But eventually, I realized how much I loved my brother. I wanted to take care of him and make him feel love. He made me so happy.

What was going to happen when I died?

I thought of my first school dance, eighth grade. My first dance that I had with a fellow classmate. Coming into my sexuality and realizing that I was in love with my best friend.

I don’t know.

My first day of freshman year and the day I asked out my girlfriend. I was never going to see my girlfriend again, was I?

Was this going to be my last breath?

I wish I could see your face one last time.

I wish I could see you one last time.

Please don’t go…

Please don’t go.