Lamentations of a Good Christian Woman

I never lived my life the way I wanted, and now that I ain't got one, I might as well be of some use. The insurance company made sure I'm worth more dead than alive. And since you're the only one that really cared about me, I left you $20,000. It's not much cause that's all I could afford, but I guess it's better than a sharp stick in the eye.

If it was up to me, I'd've gotten ya $40,000. My policy had a part that said it’d pay double if I suddenly died in an accident, maybe Earl was smart enough to throw my body in the pool real quick before the ambulance showed up.

I know all this must seem strange to you, and Lord knows I'd've thought I was going crazy if I was talkin’ to a dead woman, but here we are.

I don't really know how this works, I just saw this note that said if I talk into this little box thing then someone that cares for me will read it. I can only hope it's you, Babydoll.

Look at me, goin’ on and on. How you doin’? Are you OK after everything that happened? How's your mama? Probably bein’ dramatic as usual . . . I shouldn't talk bad about the livin’, but you know I'm right. I never could get her to just calm down for a second and be normal. She was always goin’ on about some problem she was havin’, never could get through to her. So hard headed. Just like her daddy.

Which reminds me . . .

I always heard you see your loved ones when ya die but I ain’t seen nobody yet. I thought I’d see mama, or even Stanley . . . course, that old mule’s probably burnin’ in hell . . .

I shouldn’t kid like that, but you know what I mean.

Hey, I need a favor. Can you let Earl know that the house is supposed to go to the church. I know he's livin’ in it but that deadbeat needs to get off his lazy ass and start doin’ somethin’ with his life. He ain’t gonna be no freeloader, you tell ‘em I said that.

Other than that, I guess there isn’t much to say . . .

Ya know, you'd think there'd be angels and whatnot here, some pearly gates er somethin’.

I ain't seen God and I ain't seen no angels, just other people walkin’ around tryin’ to figure out what to do. It's somethin’ weird. Nobody knows nothin’. Only thing there is to do is watch this here floatin’ TV lookin’ thing that pops up in front of you. I don't know how to describe it, but you just watch whatever part of your life comes on the screen. First thing I saw when I got here was me as a little girl livin’ at the beaches. Probably wasn’t more than six or seven years old.

Anyway, I'll talk to you some more later, Babydoll. Love you.

* * *

Hey, Babydoll . . .

Hey, it's your grandma . . . you there?

I need your help . . .

I hope you can hear this . . .

Listen, I don't know what's goin’ on around here, ain’t nobody else seems to know either. We all just stand around and look at these screen things. It's gettin’ real tirin’ just watchin’ your life . . . makes me wish I would’ve done somethin’ more interesting.

But look, I need you to talk to one of the pastor's there where you're at, it don't matter which one. I just need you to ask him what it is I'm supposed to be doin’ up here. I mean, it's not really bad or anything, it's just . . . not what I expected, you know?

I'm only up to like age fifteen and I'm real ready to do somethin’ else.

Hopefully you see this and let me know soon, I'm not sure if you got my last message, but . . . I'd really appreciate your help. I love you, Babydoll. I hope you know that.

* * *

Hey, Babydoll. It's grandma, again.

I don't know why I can’t hear any replies, but that's OK. It's kinda good to just think out loud a little bit, helps to make sense of everything.

I don't like it here. Everybody just kinda keeps to themselves.

I tried talkin’ to this one fellow but he just ignored me. Actually, everybody pretty much just ignores everybody . . .

It's so lonely here, Babydoll. I don't know what I'm gonna do . . .

I hope I ain’t botherin’ you with all this . . . and I hope that insurance money is bein’ put to good use.

Tell everybody I said hey.

* * *

Hey, it's me, again. I don't know why I'm here.

I can't talk to nobody, it's like they can't hear me or can't see me or nothin’. Everybody’s just doin’ their own thing and it's gettin’ to me.

I'm tryin’ to figure things out . . .

I wanna come home.

I'm sufferin’ real hard, more than anything I ever dealt with before . . .

* * *

I thought I lived a good life, a good Christian life. I went to the church all the time, I read my Bible . . .

I was good . . . a good person.

I don't deserve to be here . . . what’d I do that was so bad, huh? What’d I do? I’m watchin’ this damn screen all the time and I don’t see it, Babydoll. I don’t! What am I supposed to be seein’? I had a real hard life, you know . . .

You know how daddy used to beat us when we was little.

You know what he did to me and my sister. I told you . . .

You know.

* * *

Hey, Babydoll. I think . . .

I think I done messed up real bad and I don’t think I’m gettin’ outta here.

I seen’t it on the screen. The lyin’. The cheatin’. I know I did ya granddaddy wrong. He didn’t deserve what I did to ‘em. He was a good man. A good one.

I ain’t even mad no more about him hittin’ me those times. Lord knows I probably deserved it.

I can’t fix what I did and there ain’t no use cryin’ about it.

I didn’t mean to be like that, that’s just the way I was brought up.

* * *

I can’t bear this no more! It’s too much, you hear me? It’s too much. I can’t!

You gotta get me outta here! I ain’t done nothin’ wrong!

Why ain’t my daddy down here, huh? Why ain’t he here? They saw what he did to me! They saw him take my innocence. They seen’t it!

I didn’t get no help. No help from nobody!

Where was your granddaddy, huh? Did he help any?

Did mama help any?

No! Er’body just stood around and didn’t care one iota. Just expected me to take care of everything.

This ain’t fair . . . it ain’t fair, one bit.

I hope you seein’ this, Babydoll. It’s an injustice what’s happenin’ here.

Bible says God is a just God, but I ain’t seein’ it! Where’s my justice, huh? I been wronged. I been abused. Where’s my justice?

It ain't fair . . .

It just ain’t.

* * *

Babydoll . . .

I don’t . . . I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

I been prayin’ real hard for the answers but I don’t know if anybody is hearin’ ‘em up there.

I done finished watchin’ my life, now it’s just on repeat.

If I had to guess, I don’t think there’s anything I can do here . . .

It’s all over. Can’t fix nothin’. Can’t do nothin’.

I can’t even kill myself . . . imagine that.

Please pray for me, Babydoll. Somebody up there’s gotta hear somethin’. Let ‘em know I’m sorry. Tell ‘em I’ve been repentin’ for e’rthing I done. You tell ‘em.

I love you. Please let ‘em know. You do that for your grandma, ok? You pray for me and you tell ‘em.

* * *

I wanted to share somethin’ with you.

I saw somethin’ different today, when I was watchin’ my life.

When I was about your age I came across this drunk drivin’ man who stopped right in the middle of the road, goin’ the wrong way, in front of our house. I thought about callin’ the police to come and get ‘em but then I got to thinkin’ . . . he might have a family to provide for, you know, kids or whatnot that he had to take care of. Anyway, I got him out his car, put him in the passenger side, and drove him home. I must’ve drove for a hour tryin’ to find his place, old drunk fool couldn’t think straight to save his life. But we found it eventually.

After that, I walked home. And, well . . . I felt good about what I did. Anybody else woulda just had the police come and take him. But I did a good thing for that man. And I didn’t do it to get no kinda reward or nothin’, I just did it cause it was the right thing, ya know?

I just wanted you to know that . . . that your grandma wasn’t all bad.

I love you, Babydoll. You remember that.

* * *

It’s been awhile since I talked into this here box. Haven’t really thought of anything I needed to say.

Hell, I don’t even know if you’re even hearin’ this, but that’s no matter.

I want you to know that I think about you all the time. I care about your well-bein’. I hope you’re livin’ a good life, a Christian life. Keepin’ the commandments and lovin’ your neighbor. You don’t wanna end up here, I promise you.

I was thinkin’, too. What if this ain’t forever? What if I can get outta here if I learn what I’m supposed to know?

I sure wish I knew what it was . . .

* * *

Hey.

You probably done forgot about me by now. I wouldn’t blame ya if ya did, I’d love ya just the same though.

I know I wasn’t the best grandma in the world. And I know I was hard to put up with most of the time.

Maybe all the time.

But . . . I hope you remember I loved you. Always.

* * *

Her words never appeared again on the old, worn out pages. I nestled the little black notebook in between the family Bible and mama’s photo album from when she was a child. Grandma either moved on or gave up trying to talk. Either way, there was no sense in checking in on her anymore.