K-I-S-S

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong on FetLife or even in the community because, from the outside looking in, my life—and my kinky life—doesn't seem nearly as extreme as everyone else's.

No one really talks about their normal days. The days when things don't work out. The days when schedules collide, energy runs dry, and all the fun, exciting, extreme things you wanted to do simply don't happen.

Sometimes, the only way you can honor your kinky self is by putting in a butt plug and saying, "You're mine today."

And your submissive side has to find the courage to accept that this simple gesture will have to be enough for now.

My life is so ordinary that I sometimes long for the extreme things so much that my heart, soul, and submissive self become a wallowing mess of sad country songs, desperately wishing for another way of life.

The truth is, some people—including myself—get so wrapped up in what they aren't receiving that they forget to appreciate what is already right in front of them.

For years, I discredited my husband because he wasn't the Dom, Master, or Top that a small but important part of me wished he could be.

I clung so tightly to the things I felt deprived of that I became blind to the love that was being offered. I couldn't appreciate the joy we shared, nor could I honor him for the effort, care, and affection he was able to give me.

Thursday, my husband and I celebrated our ninth anniversary.

Though "nine years" barely tells the story.

There is so much more behind those years—our children, our struggles, our victories, our growth.

Kids bring incredible joy and blessings.

They also have an uncanny ability to destroy romance and derail any grand plans for a kinky lifestyle. At the very least, they put those things on pause.

Sometimes I think one of our community's greatest struggles is the belief that everything has to be extreme. All the chips must be pushed to the center of the table. Every scene has to be bigger than the last. If you're not exhausted when it's over, maybe it wasn't good enough.

If there aren't bruises, maybe it wasn't good enough. If every fantasy isn't fulfilled in every possible position before one in the morning, maybe it wasn't good enough.

And heaven forbid we lower our expectations to something as simple as being... vanilla.

On our anniversary, all I could do to celebrate was cook a dinner to perfection, just as I was trained to do years ago in culinary school. I cleaned the bedroom so clutter wouldn't distract me. I made sure the kids went to bed at a reasonable hour. I carved out space for connection, intimacy, love, and maybe a little kink.

Dinner was perfect.

The kids went to bed on time.

My husband and I shared a bubble bath with wine and candles.

And the only kinky thing we managed to do was a little playful pain mixed into our intimacy.

Fifteen minutes later, we were done.

We felt loved.

We felt cherished.

And we felt grateful for the effort we were able to give each other.

Years ago, something so simple would never have been enough for the pain-loving side of me.

I would have felt neglected.

I would have held it against him.

I would have focused on everything I didn't get.

But nine years of marriage, of being loved and chosen, along with the guidance of dear friends, has taught me something important.

I've learned to see the good in what is.

I've learned to stop treating myself like a collection of competing needs and instead become a whole person.

And I've learned that love given freely is worth far more than love demanded.

So, in closing: To all the new kinky people who are eager to sprint before they can walk—keep it simple. Enjoy every step. Enjoy every discovery. Enjoy everything this world has to offer.

And to the seasoned members of our community who feel exhausted trying to keep up with expectations, trends, and comparisons: I give you permission to relax. Because at the end of the day, the only thing most of us are truly searching for is the same thing we've always been searching for: To know we are loved. To feel chosen. To feel cherished.

And sometimes, it only takes the smallest gesture to communicate something as enormous as love. Sometimes, simple really is enough.