Just Be There

Have you ever experienced a difficult child or teenager? Are they your child? They may seem to want the world and more, but to them you are their world and what they’re craving is your attention and they’ll take it however they can get it. For some, this is by doing things around the house to get praise or cuddling you watching a film but for some, especially those who have parent(s) who work a lot or lots of siblings, this can be through fighting or getting in trouble. They may not necessarily want to be in trouble but it catches their parents attention and that’s what they are seeking.

I grew up desperate for my parents to pay attention to me, I did every sport under the sun, I did art, every music class I could think of, I danced, I wrote, I did everything and yet nothing ever felt good enough. It was always “look how smart [sibling] is” or “look how talented [other sibling] is” and it felt as though I was forgotten, no matter how hard I worked. I grew up with seven siblings so as you can imagine, the household was and still is very busy. I’ve grown up now and moved out but most of my siblings still live at home with my parents.

I have one brother in particular who is really struggling at the moment, it was his birthday yesterday and he spent most of it crying. Partially because of the stress of trying to do exams and schooling from home but the other (and probably the biggest) reason was that my dad didn’t say happy birthday to him. My brother and my dad are extremely similar to each other and rarely see eye-to-eye because of this which means there’s more than the average wedge between the two of them.

My brother has been getting into trouble at school for the past few years and gets in trouble at home a lot too and the strange thing is that I can understand why better than my parents do. He’s always been the one to get the blame for things even when they’re not his fault and the rest of the time, he’s forgotten about. It’s sad really, I’m watching him relive my childhood and teenage years and as much as I try to talk to my parents about it, they don’t listen. I get accused of making my dad “the villain” if I try to talk to him about it because he knows I’m right so he gets defensive.

We have to be more receptive to our children’s behaviours, it’s our job as parents to understand our children and try to give them what they need. I see it so often where the only attention children get is the angry words of their parents when they’ve misbehaved but I propose that we break the cycle. That we stop getting our backs up when our children have worked up the courage to tell us we’re wrong. We’re all human, we’re all capable of making mistakes and we’re all capable of growth.

So, why as parents are we incapable of asking why instead of talking down to our children? I feel like an alien in the way I parent my child because I don’t shout, I don’t spank and I don’t belittle my son yet everywhere I look, that’s what other people are doing. Children are intelligent and creative and deserve to learn respect through being respected themselves. If you’re angry that your child is misbehaving, you’re angry at yourself, not them. It is your job to ask them why they’re behaving this way and it’s your job to allow them to feel safe enough that they don’t have to misbehave to get your attention.

Take the time to read their work, look at their drawing, ask about their day or watch something they enjoy. Show your child that they have your attention when they’re calm and happy and you’ll see that they won't be seeking attention through misbehaviours. If after this they still misbehave, it’s likely that they are lashing out because of stress. It could be that their school work is too hard but they're scared to ask for help or that they’re being bullied or there’s something wrong in their friend group. It’s your job to ask them and allow them a safe space to let everything out - you brought them into this world and it’s your responsibility to let them know that you’re there.

I’m tired of seeing especially teenagers being ignored by their parents because they’re being naughty or trying things that I can bet you tried when you were a teenager yourself. I know this because I was no saint either but I refuse to sit here on a high horse and pretend I was perfect. Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent, they need a supportive and attentive one.

Mothers, would it really hurt to tell your teenage daughter that you love them and are proud of them? Would it hurt to listen to her dramas or teach her about safe sex instead of being disappointed in her for thinking about things that are natural?

Fathers, would it really hurt for you to show some emotion around your sons? To tell them you love them and are proud of them? Would it destroy you to cry with him when he’s hurting?

Obviously, those questions can apply to either parent but these are the issues I’ve seen first hand so that’s the way I wanted to word it. Our children need us to be vulnerable with them sometimes. Our children need to see that their emotions are normal and that they have someone who understands nearby. I am very proud to say that my siblings always know they can come to me, that my son can always come to me and that my parents can always come to me when they need a shoulder to cry on and someone who won't judge them for feeling. This should be standard. We’re all human and we’re all we’ve got.

An important point to remember is that if you expect your child to be able to control their emotions and their anger, then you’d better be able to control your temper too. You’re supposed to be the example so if you’re shouting, they’re going to mirror you and shout right back. Be the parent you needed growing up, don’t be a mirror of everything that hurt you as a child.

Your child isn’t acting out because they hate you, they’re acting out because they need you so next time your child is acting out, refrain from shouting and take them to a quiet room and sit down and ask them what’s wrong. Ask them what you can do to help, ask them if they need to get anything off their chest. Don’t judge them, don’t get angry with them and don’t use it against them. You are the be all and end all for them, they need you to be their home, their safety.

Break the cycle, being a friend to your child isn’t a bad thing.