This One's For You

A letter to you, my mother. I’m sorry I could never be enough to make you smile again and I’m sorry that I never made you proud. I want the best for you in all that you do, I hope for your health and I pray for your happiness. You will never be alone in this life as long as you never forget me. I don’t have the world to give you, though I wish I could and I forgive you for the way you saw yourself in me. I don’t resent you for the hurt you rained down on me whilst you were trying to hurt yourself. I miss you, I miss the mother you were once capable of being for me and I know it’s coming back but I miss being a child and being something better to you than a broken fragment of being. My heart breaks for you in all that you’ve lost, your spark, your light, your life. It must be hard having a mind that your body can’t keep up with and I know how you’re feeling, the hopelessness in your soul knowing that no matter what you do, nothing will bring back the life you used to own. I wish I could give it all back to you, I wish that I could heal you and make you whole again and I wish life wasn’t so damn hard that you’re wondering how to make it from one day to another. I can’t give you much but I can give you my hope; it's all I have left.

For you, my father. I don’t know how you’ve survived all of these years pushing your body further than any one man should, breaking your own heart to fix the hearts of others. I’m sorry I told you I missed you when you were away, breaking your heart and trying to convince you to stay. I know you were doing your best and you were doing it for us but the truth is we didn’t need money, we needed love. You had so much to give but no way of giving it because you never really knew what it was like to receive it but still you try and I will always be thankful for that. I forgive you for shouting at me instead of hugging me when things kept going wrong, how were you to know that it wasn’t my fault? And I don’t resent you for not understanding a life you’ve never had to lead but I promise, I’m not weak, I’m just healing. I wish I could give you more for the hours you put in and I don’t think you’re the villain, just the misunderstood dad. I know what’s inside of you and the pain that you carry and the weight of the worlds that crush you where you’re standing. I would take the weight off you if I could but all I have is this letter in my little black notebook.

To all my family, this one’s for you. The only gift I can give you is my disappearance, the weight of my trauma should not be a burden you are forced to carry. I will find myself again at some point I’m sure, but for now I have to say good-bye, I have to close this door. You don’t have to feel sad, I’m not leaving for good, I’ll be back someday when I can give you what I should. You, my family, you deserve everything bright in life and I don’t know how to give that to you without taking my darkness away. I will write to you so you know I’m okay but you have to promise me that you’ll love each other until the end of days. You are all the most important people to grace my life and the only people keeping me from my own demise. I can’t grant you the world but I can give you my last piece of hope. On the next page is a lottery ticket, congratulations, it’s a winner - and now you can breathe for the first time ever. There’s no more need to worry or work so hard, and this is my gift to you - spend every precious moment together and each of you, start to feel like you again.

With all my love, C