It’s Important

Dear Momma Lil,

I miss you more than I can begin to say. I know you were upset that I stayed home from school that day but I’m not sorry. If I would have gone to school, I would have missed that one last morning with you. I wish I could have said goodbye and told you I love you. Truth, I would have also begged you not to leave me. I am writing this to because I have something to tell you, honestly, I have tons to tell you. I’ll get to the reason for writing in a minute, first let me catch you up really quick.

When I moved to Phelan it was weird. I learned then that I do not like the desert. There was nothing to do but school was good. I made some really good friends, a few of which I am still friends with today. I went to a good high school and earned my diploma. I graduated in June of 2000. While in high school my world changed, I brought Kilee into the world. She was a little over a year old at my graduation.

I lived at home for a while. Eventually, we moved to Apple Valley and I tried to go to college. I went for a semester and a half. I left due to a medical situation. I had gone to school so I could open a bakery, your bakery. Instead I got overwhelmed by seizers and met my first husband. I got married and moved to Hesperia. My marriage was ok for a while. I have a son; his name is Lakota. About a year after Lakota was born we split up. We didn’t agree on anything and we didn’t communicate. So we divorced.

Right now both my kids are doing well. She is smart and beautiful. She also earned her diploma. She has been a responsible adult since age fifteen earning her own money and paying her own way. You’d love her so much. She recently got married and made me a nana. I know now how you could love me so much; he is perfection I love him. Lakota will be learning to drive soon. He gets good grades and plays the saxophone. He is so handsome.

After my marriage ended I had a guy that I was so crazy he is stalking me now. I met him through a friend and we clicked. He was smart but he had a rough go of life. It didn’t take long before I was cut off from what few friends and family I had (My kids are fine through all this. Safe with family). He was a different kind of angry. Momma I’d never met someone my age like that. It was scary. I was homeless with him for a few years. It was hard but it was easier to deal with the elements than him. We finally started staying at his friend’s house and that was better.

A few months later I went to stay with a friend in Vegas for a week. I have never lived in California again. I went back to get my little bit of stuff I still had there and moved to Arizona. I have been here over ten years. I had a few relationships over the years but only Anthony is important. Oh, you would totally love him. We are going on three years together. He is kind, cute, funny, and a good father to our kids, my two and his two. We laugh, play games, take my dog to the park, and spend time together. He has never laid a hand on me or yelled at me, we still haven’t really argued. His only fault is loving the heat. It looks like I might be stuck in the desert.

I am also proud to say that not only do I have my diploma but I have two degrees. I earned a Bachelor’s degree in English and a Master’s of Business Administration. I remember you always telling me to do what I love. I love to write. I write poems, short stories, and I’m working on a children’s series. I have even started a novel and another book. If I could I would open a publishing house and publish locals like me. But… that’s not going to happen.

So, I guess I should tell you why I have decided to write you this letter. In addition to my seizers I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer in 2012. Since then I have had three surgeries. Two of them have been to remove tumors in the colon. The third surgery was to take my left ovary and uterus. I got to keep my right ovary to try to prevent early menopause. That didn’t help for long. My doctor is currently trying to talk me into treatment because the cancer has spread to my liver and right kidney. I don’t want treatment for either the cancer or the seizers. Treating either one will make the other unbearable. If the doctor is correct I’m going to be lucky to have two more years, and that’s at best.

I am sure you have figured it out by now and you know the reason for this letter. Don’t worry I’m not scared. I have kids, I’ve been in love, and I have been loved. I love you. See you soon.