I am now a widow

My husband passed away this week and we had been married 40 years and together 45. To say I am devasted is an understatement. This man was in my life every day for 4 decades and now I feel lost without him. I know I will make it but there are so many things that are different now that I am a widow. I feel vulnerable to situations that I did not pay attention to before. I brushed off men who flirted because I had a man, but things have changed. As I was getting into the car today I saw a neighbor with 3 other males sitting on his porch. I wondered if they knew and would they be looking at me differently?

Would they assume that I am a lonely widow who needs a man in her bed and will I now have to ward off unwelcome advances? Will I have to put distance between myself and male friends out of concern they may view my friendship as suggesting something more? Will women now see me as a threat because my husband and I are no longer joined at the hip? This is uncharted territory for me so I have to look at every angle. It's only been a few days but I am thinking of every scenario that I might have to deal with. I alternate between crying and laughing, being angry and being sad. I don’t know how long this will last but I know it’s painful.

I spoiled my spouse and did everything I could for him so I miss the efforts I put forth. I no longer have to cook for him, do his laundry or shop for him. His income is gone and I wont get a widow’s pension. My bills are the same but my finances will be cut in half, I will be writing like mad now in the extra time that I have and praying for more tips. I will also probably go back to school to finish my degree. None of this will fill the void of my spouse but it will fill in gaps in time. I had to view his body yesterday and it was surreal. I knew his spirit was not in that casket and that I was looking at the shell of his former body and tried to disconnect.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support ftom so many people whose lives were touched by my spouse. I hurt when I look at my children and grandchildren who miss him so. The grandkids called him Grammy and I referred to him as Senor Senior. He was Deacon Mike in church and Shaky to his friends. Family called him Mr. Clean because he was a sharp dresser. The funeral was today and I was in the parking lot looking for the organist and then I was passing out programs because I had nervous energy. My son did the eulogy and I spoke for a few minutes and that made me feel good. When they were about to close the casket I stood right there and wondered what people were thinking.

I once attended a service where a man tried to reopen a casket and get his mother out. I once saw a lady lose her wig as she cried for her sister to come back and fell over the casket. I had joked to my family I might pull a stunt just for the fun of it but I couldn’t do it. I stood there and as they were closing the coffin I saluted my spouse. I’ve had moments where my heart was breaking and the grief too much too bear. I find that humor helps me. I have no idea how I will spend the rest of my life alone but I do know I have no interest in remarrying. I am thankful for the years with my spouse as I know others have not had such a long marriage.

I’ve received so much love and support from people and I was overjoyed to set that more than 400 watched the service when it live streamed. I feel as if I’m in suspended animation and don’t know what to do next. People say it gets better but I just can’t even imagine not loving my husband. The Six months ago I won second place in a Vocal challenge with the story My Spouse is my best friend. I had no idea it was a final tribute to my husband but I’m glad I could let him know how I felt about him.

The day before he had a stroke my hubby pushed himself to go to the funeral of one of my cousins. I wanted him to stay home because he had been moving slowly. When we returned to the house he told me that he really had a good time with me. This was during the height of COVID and the first time in a while that we had dressed up to go out. Something about the way he said it, however, troubled me. It were as if he were saying goodbye and now I know he was. I don’t know how to do life without him, but I know I must go on. I will say I do understand why some people die right after their spouse. That initial pain is unbearable and you do feel as if part of you is gone. I will have to do what others before me have done which is to embrace my new status and take it one day at a time.

I’m no longer a long married woman, I am now a widow. I join thousands of other women who will never get to hug, kiss or make love to their husbands again. This uncharted territory is unbelievable and to add insult to injury I was told by a divorcee that she felt the same emptiness because although her ex is still living, the relationship is over and dead and will not return. The pain of separation is the same. I’m trying to reflect how in an instant I went from being married for 40 years to being a widow. I still am processing it all.