I Am My Father's Keeper
Flesh Of His Flesh, Blood Of His Blood
Nothing is more beautiful than the past, but in this present moment, as I can only imagine how worse it will be in the future. My past is merely a shattered window whence looked through, one can only see pieces of a life that could have been. I do not even know the names of these people sitting next to me. They were always loving and supportive of me whenever we did cross paths, like an estranged family member. I haven’t seen them since I was a little kid. It is a shame that things like this have to happen to bring people closer together. I miss the old days and my childhood days; he made sure I had the best birthdays. The choir is singing idyllic lyrics but their angelic voices are muffled by my thoughts of the past. I remember this birthday the most from when I was a vibrant and joyous child; this time he had a whole section of the bowling alley just for my friends and I. Usually, I would be gifted video games or the newest released basketball shoes, but this year he gave me this little black book. It is a story about a young boy that finds a lamp that produces a genie with three wishes for the child. I am the kid the book is about. After I finished reading it, I jumped around frolicking in front of him as he bellowed his signature laugh that everyone knew him for that could be heard from a mile away.
“You wrote a book about me, thank you!”
“You liked it didn’t you. I knew you would, Fathead!”
“I’m working on the second part to it and I want you to finish it when you grow up”
“I’m not that good at writing. What if I can’t finish it for you.”
He shot up off of the couch staring down at me. I stopped in the middle of hopping around, because I knew this look. He had a solemn countenance with a piercing scowl. “Don’t ever use the word can’t. Don’t ever say you can’t do something. You can do anything you set your mind to” quoth the older gentleman still holding a glass of liquor in one hand, but now looking at me eye to eye with a finger protruding into my chest.
I partially jump into the air when three rifle shots ring out. The arms of the man and woman I am sitting in between gently guide me back down to sit on the cold wooden pew. Trumpets are blaring a melancholic tune that is jerking at my core. Everyone stands up in their pews now. Thank God, it is all over and it went by faster than I thought it would. I haven’t seen my mom throughout the whole thing but I know she is here because I can hear her crying. I cried so much already since we found out the news two weeks ago so now I have been quiet and numb.
As my mother and I are being visited one by one with hugs, tokens, and envelopes, a man in a navy blue suit with a U.S. Army pin on the coat and a bouquet of flowers in hand approaches us.
He says, “my name is Detective Gary Hagurmen. Mrs. Louis, my condolences for the loss of your husband. Leon, my warmest regards for the loss of your father.”
My mom says “thank you” through a screechy voice.
I say “we haven’t heard from any of you since the night it happened.” Anger consumed me and my eyes swell with tears, and I ask “who killed my father?”
“Leon, I am sorry for what has happened. We don’t have any leads yet. It could have been a U.S. military soldier or a Korean civilian.” We are doing everything we can. I know it is hard to at this time, but please be patient with us. Here is my card.”
The detective starts to turn around and walk away, but he turns back to my mother and I and he says “Leon, I know you’re hurting, just try to be proud of your father. I understand that everyone loved him and he always tried to help people. Sometimes the people that have so much love in their hearts are hated the most.”
My mom and I start walking to the Bank of America. My mom explains to the teller what happened to my father and that we are here to see how much money he has left in his bank account. My mom and I both gasp as she tells us that my father had zero funds. We both start walking out, but the bank teller is staring at me wide-eyed. I wanted to say, “what” angrily but I wasn’t sure what the long stare into my eyes were for exactly. I never stepped foot in that bank before, so I am sure she doesn’t know me and I have never seen her. My mom was walking out briskly so I just followed after her.
“Leon, I am not surprised. He probably gambled it all away. All of his savings. All of your college savings. I’m sorry son” says my Mom.
“I can’t believe it mom. I’m sorry too.”
“Do you know any of your dad’s army buddies? Anyone he would gamble with?”
“No. You know how dad kept us away from all of that and how secretive he was.”
“When you were at school last week, some man called the house. He knew our address and apartment number. He said dad owed him ten thousand dollars and if we don’t pay him, he is going to kill me and you. He said something about some jewelry too and hung up. I didn’t get to say anything.”
“Mom! What! Oh my God. Why didn’t you tell the detective?”
“I don’t know. I’m scared. I don’t want to make this worse. Look, you have one month left in school, right after you’re done, I’m taking us to the States to your dad’s family and you’re going to finish your last year of high school in Virginia.”
“I don’t want to be here anymore anyway.”
I start walking to my friend’s house thinking to myself “that’s why we moved to another apartment so fast after my dad died.”
“Leon, I’m sorry man” my best friend, Jin, says as we both light our cigarettes.
“Hey bro, can you do me this solid man? Can I borrow one of your mom’s guns?”
Without hesitation, my friend that I have grown up with in Seoul, says “yeah, I got you.” If something goes down, let me know. Your dad was like a father to me.”
With one eye squinted aiming the gun, I say “thanks, but this is all me.”
I sneak into my room inebriated. “Some one killed my father. Why mine? Who would kill a military cop? And now they want to kill me and my mom over ten thousand dollars.” I’m pacing in my new bedroom while watching New Jack City holding my friend’s pistol in my hand. “How am I going to avenge my father’s murder? As soon as the military police informs us of any suspect, I’m going to find him and blow his head off! I’m not letting anything happen to my mom or me. I am my father’s keeper!” I break down crying, because it dawned on me that the last thing my father told me was “be a good boy” after taking me to school the same day he died. I didn’t talk to him all day after that. We were going to catch back up with each other at home like every other night. It’s not supposed to be this way; we had big plans for the future. I hear my dad’s voice “remember, finish the book.” I haven’t looked through that little black book he wrote for me in forever. I almost have a panic attack because I couldn’t find it, but I find it in one of my dad’s boxes. I read all of it. So far in the second part of this little black book, the young boy is a young man now matriculating into law school. I am inundated with the love I knew my father had for me as I read about the young boy with a big heart that grows into the relentless humanitarian he wanted me to become. I get to the end of my dad’s writing and flip through all of the blank pages to the back. I find taped securely at the back of this little black book is a golden key. I have no idea what this key is for. The only thing we need keys for is the front door and the car.
Me and Jin meet at our secret smoking spot before school. I show him the key I found.
I say, “Yo’, I have no clue what this key is for man, but I found it in that book I told you about” with cigarette smoke clouding out of my mouth with every word.
Jin says “have you been working on it? You definitely gotta finish it now bro after all of this craziness. Let me see that actually. He snatches it from me once he lays his eyes on it.”
“Leon, I think this is a safety deposit box key. This looks just like the one I saw my mom use at the bank to keep her favorite pistols.”
“Damn, how many guns does your mom have?”
“Man I lost count a long time ago bro.”
Jin goes to first class but I go straight to my dad’s bank. The same bank teller that was staring at me is there again staring right into my eyes as I walk up to her.
“I have the key to my father’s safety deposit box. Can I see if he had anything inside?”
She says, “I’m glad you made it back Leon” with a surreptitious smile. My name is Yongja. Your father does have a safety deposit box here. Let me take you in the back and you can see what is inside of it.”
I open the safety deposit box. There are stacks of one hundred dollar bills with three diamond crusted Rolex watches, three diamond rings, three diamond crusted necklaces, and a note at the bottom that says “be a good boy fathead and remember finish the book!” I look up with tears immediately flowing down my face.
I whisper, “how much money is this?”
“Twenty thousand dollars” Yongja says.
“So I can take what is inside here right, because Douglas Louis is my father?”
“Yes, that is correct Leon. I must say, your father would always talk about you. He was crazy about you.”
“Thanks”
I march out of the bank and sprint home still not believing what just happened.
“Mom, you don’t have to worry about the ten thousand dollars or the jewelry that man was talking about” as I dump what my father left us onto her bed.
“Oh my God! Leon, where did you get this? Did you steal this?”
“No, but if that man that threatened us calls again, we can pay dad’s debt and we will just keep the ten thousand that’s left.”
“No son. The military police are protecting us now. After you finish school, we’re going to your dads hometown in Virginia in protective custody. We will be alright.”
“Mom, how much do you think all of this jewelry is worth? If these are all real diamonds, we are set for life.”
“Yes, but I wish he could be here too. I can’t believe this. Thank you Doug” she says partially sobbing and smiling.
I grab my father’s little black book to go outside and write. I look up at the sky and tell him, “dad, I will be good. I will help people. I will finish our book!”
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Virgo’s Complaint
I was born on September 10th. I love and hate being a virgo, but my love for my own sign surpasses the latter by far. Virgo may actually be bipolar in many ways without even trying because they are Virgos. For they are full of paradoxes.Virgos are perpetually confused because they are walking contradictions. They are introverted by nature, I am especially, but they are enslaved to the affinity of being of service to others. Another contradiction is that Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury which is the planet of communication. Now wonder how an introverted sign like Virgo and possibly the most shy sign get blessed with the honor of having be ruled by planet Mercury. Even though this beloved sign is reticent and shy, when they speak, they will tell it out how it is. Further, all a virgo wants to do is help. Every sign has their positive qualities and can be generous, but it is so much different in Virgo’s case. Their service and generosity is purely genuine. They actually tend to overly give. Virgos will actually give of something so much that it can hurt them in the process but they will do it anyway because they have this innate obligation to help others. My idea and focus on servicing others has been a blessing and curse in my life. For my drive for serving and helping others has lead me to being a Nurse and endure different experiences in life, but it has also cost me heartache, for Virgos are immensely sensitive; to be a Virgo is to be a hopeless humanitarian. In addition, it is in their nature to improve themselves, others, and anything possible in their reality. This tendency can leave them feeling hopeless and doubtful, because in this real world they live in, nothing will ever become perfectly right like they perceive their ideal world. And with their analytical mind, they are constantly scanning, observing, and assessing situations and problems in life into iota of details to identify what is wrong to eliminate or improve to make the whole system work smoothly. In your place of work, you can count on the Virgo to be one of your best teammates, for they have the ability to work long, hard hours without complaining, but to persevere with their nose to the ground painstakingly to get the job done and to get it done right. For the Virgo, the job or whatever that is at hand absolutely must be done right not only because of the perfectionism but they feel that it must be right because all of their effort, planning, and mental fortitude used for the project. Even though Virgos are always striving for the bigger picture and for the whole system to operate smoothly, Virgos due to their analytic mind can get themselves stuck over the most minute details. Because of their perfectionism, they may dwell on improving one small detail for too long where it cannot be anymore perfected, and deplete their energy for improving all of the other details that they had planned so now the bigger picture may not come together because of redundant analyzing over the small things. Virgo’s are extremely helpful at work. Virgo’s selflessness at work may render him or her to pick up the slack from their coworkers, to take on more work, even though they may be drowning, and they will still take on the extra work and somehow get it done. They are supreme pragmatists. Their sense of practicality is one of many qualities that helps them to succeed in life. Because they know what works and doesn’t work and they figure out how to use what works to its fullest potential. In a relationship, Virgo’s can keenly sense a need that his or her partner has. And because of the Virgo’s need to help, they will figure out a way to solve that problem because all they want to do is make your life better in whatever way then can, big or small. The Virgo must be careful because if his or her partner is of low vibration and of lower consciousness, the Virgo will be highly susceptible to being used, abused, and walked all over, because they may be too nice and care too much about the approval and validation from their partner. Albeit, that the nobility that this implicates of the Virgo, but more than likely this quality is to their own detriment. This is the pessimism of a Virgo’s self-destructive, dark internal dialogue. And the perfectionistic cynic is juxtaposed to the purity and calming embodiment of the Virgin Maiden. The Virgin Maiden that the Virgo sign represents also symbolizes harvesting. Which is coincidental or divinely orchestrated, because the Virgo is an Earth sign. The earth signs tend to be practical and have an affinity for materials. The Virgo isn’t attracted to the materials to merely be flamoboyant and brag, but gravitating to the finer things in life are just their way of making themselves feel accomplished. The thing is that Virgos are only harvesting so that they can gather more for the greater good of others. They want to share their winnings, successes, and accomplishments. Virgos think that all of the hard work and earnings are in vain if others cannot benefit from it. They embellish in their own subtle ways, because they are too modest to be pretentious which may be engineered by representing the Virgin. The Earth signs are also stable, grounded, and unwavering. The commitment to his or her own rules or own philosophy of life can make the Virgo look superbly stubborn. But it’s only because they believe it is genuinely right. Virgos have an innate high moral character as well. This quality of doing things the right way like living life and how to treat others takes them a long way in life for people really see their beauty and purity in how they merely just want to help others. It would be rare to see a Virgo deliberately trying to get peoples attention in a loud manner or be the life of the party. They are shy and timid; however, they absolutely know everything that is going on because they are immensely observant. The keen observation is actually stemmed from the Virgo’s incessant need to criticize or judge something, but the wrongs that are being pointed out are not to offend or shame someone or something, but to only bring out the good. Paradoxically, one can see how Virgos would give their best counsel but not follow their own advice. Virgos if in the case, one in which has not developed strong Solar Plexus Chakra characteristics such as bravery, courage, and willpower that come so naturally to the Fire signs, the natural subservient duty of a Virgo can bring upon this Virgo immense pain and chaos that can just burn up into a fiasco, but never forget a Virgo always rises. And because a Virgo is always trying to improve, even if they fall, they will get back up and try again. It may take him or her an extremely long time, to others too long, but they may stay there stuck and wallowing in the failure because of over analyzing what went wrong and what could have been done differently to change the outcome. The Virgo in this state must find a resolve to let it go which is so difficult for them, because they feel like they are giving up on something but Virgo there are some things to give up on and to let go of like your need for perfection and things that actually cannot be improved like other people. Which is why Virgos tend to fall in love with people that are not healthy for them, for if it is a person that inherently does not care about improving themselves, the Virgo is on a dead end road. But this catastrophe of not being able to help someone may be more dangerous to the Virgo than actually the fact of giving this person any of their precious time. And Virgos hate to waste time stemming from this signs need of practicality. The Virgo can fall into a deep dark place because they try so hard at improving themselves, helping and improving others, when things do not go the way they analytically planned out to the smallest details, they get frustrated, pessimistic, and hopeless. The Virgo will think well why even try when the world is not trying itself. They are thinking well how can it all be right and better when some parts are missing. In these times, the Virgo must let it all go and let go of control. Behind the exterior of calmness, stillness, and sharp composure that can come off timid is a relentless energy for there is no other sign in the Zodiac that is harder on his or herself than the Virgo. Virgoans are always trying their hardest to be the best but it’s more specifically to be their best but this work ethic can inadvertently gain the Virgo unwanted adversaries. However, the Virgo has a sharp ego because they take pride in their work ethic in doing so can give them their competitive streak. Although, the Virgo can become prideful and competitive, he or she is also prone to becoming angry because that was not their object of gaining enemies in their workplace or in general. Their intention was just trying to do their best for the greater good, and they may become angry or revert into a self-loathing void, because something they did causes an unwanted outcome and they would just be angry that their coworkers or anyone couldn’t see that if they were doing what the Virgo did, things could be better. For the hard work of a Virgo can rub people the wrong way and make them compete with the Virgo because all along, the Virgo is just trying to be the best version of themselves. The Virgo, as quiet as he or she can be can cause shock at times with their moments of sharp, critical judgments that can make someone feel like they’ve been cut deep to the core. And this is because Virgos have that sharp, quick ability to assess for the truth, to identify what is wrong. And sometimes the harsh, cold truth can be delivered by the Virgo perceivably mean ways, but they do not sugar coat anything. Even though Virgos are shy, at the same time, when it comes to this sign, it’s like what you see is what you get. However, there are so much more to Virgos than it appears to be. It is not that they are cold because they are not showering someone with or so outwardly with expressive of emotions, but it is that it seems impractical to show all of those emotions to the Virgo. The Virgo thinks well instead of showing you how I feel which does not produce any concrete results, let me actually do something for you that can help that will change one’s reality for the better which is the object of the Virgo. Virgoans, if one of them feel that their selflessness has been abused for too long, all of their imploded and squelched emotions of anger will burst out like a volcano. It may even shock the Virgo because even though they know they have a right to be angry, that they care so much about making others comfortable, they have a harder time verbalizing how they feel about something especially if they are averse to it. But hopefully, if it’s most likely the calm Virgo, that’s ice cold frozen not letting anything move him. And the Virgo is so sacrificial that they may willingly take the smaller portion or the shorter end of deal just for the sake of doing it. Is this due to a feeling of unworthiness? Yes, but it is secondary to the root cause of many of Virgo’s complicated but beautiful life problems which perfectionism. The Virgo is a slave to perfectionism. In which in Virgo’s ideal world, perfectionism would be seen as everyone being generous and helpful. And this is the dangerous part of being a Virgo because if a Virgo is dealing with the wrong type of person and shows them their idea of perfection in helping people at all costs, the Virgo will be taken advantage of or misused or abused for their kindness, because the Virgo must know and act accordingly that not everyone is trying to be the best person that they can be. And the Virgo believes that the perfect person loves, cares and does things for others. Their love language is without a doubt acts of service. He is the King of Analysis Paralysis and the prince of pessimism. The subservient nature is mistaken as weakness instead of its pure, selfless act of kindness. Virgos are lovers. There is a dark side as well that can develop into a self-destructive cycle of sadism. Self-destructive because of their perfectionism, they are always feeling unworthy, incomplete, and like a failure because they can’t come remotely close to the insurmountable bar that they postulate for themselves on their own. Self-destructive, because with always feeling unworthy, they tend to lose hope and their shadow self will find other ways to make the self feel good but the self-deprecating behaviors only tear at the soul of the Virgo. When say shadow self, I mean the dark side of one’s mentality, the parts of oneself that one doesn’t want others to know about or that one may be ashamed of. Sadistic, because a Virgo may see himself going down crashing, and the stubborn ego of a person that always has to get it right, is so sensitive to criticism because of their need to be perfect will just make it worse and worse. They feel that because it’s not going the way the Virgo had it all planned out in his or her head, we mind as well should make it worse, because it was never perfect. They are all or nothing type of people. They put so much pressure on themselves that they stress themselves out by doing absolutely nothing because they can run so many images across their mental screen to dissect problems that they never give themselves a break. Their all or nothing philosophy of life can render them into toxic relationships for when another sign would have gotten out of the relationship long ago, the Virgo will stay in trying to make it better or dealing with the heartache from the relationship because they made that decision to give it their all and their stubbornness will not let them leave the relationship even though that is what is best for them. They are always analyzing everything. They are taking mental snapshots every second. Virgos have a great way of intricately categorizing these mental snapshots. Virgos are truly their worst enemy and can be prone to being pessimistic with a dark cloud of doubt following them. Again, this is because of their perfectionism which they know cannot be reached or they’re just overwhelmed by the pressure perfectionism that is unfortunately self-induced. Sadistic, because it may seem like the Virgo seeks the rock bottom, because that’s the ultimate win for them to come back from the deep abyss of their rock bottom out into the Light that they have always been seeking. Furthermore, Virgos are known to be particular about everything especially the cleanliness and orderliness of their environment. However, I am not the typical “neat freak” kind of Virgo. Much like my virgoan mind, inundated with so many images and tasks, my home environment has also always been all over the place because I am always multi-tasking. I must say that a Virgo may help himself or herself much more by focusing one one task at a time but also keeping in mind the bigger picture, because a Virgo can perceive and treat a small task like it is the bigger picture. Because they are so willingly to offer themselves and commit to the time that is required for something to be done. They are so willing in general because again, all they want to do is help. Even though my home environment may look out of order, I know where everything thing is exactly because its there for a certain reason. Moreover, Virgos are represented by the Hermit in the Tarot. There’s a lot of symbolism in the Hermit Tarot Card to his or her cloak, staff, the snow he is walking on, and of course the lamp that he holds with a star gleaming from inside of it. Everything that one reads from the above is from my personal experience as a Virgo in this lifetime, and with my love of Tarot; however, I must say that the Virgo being represented by the Hermit in the Tarot is one of the most resonating aspects of my life with my star sign. Even though I have my mother who has lived in another country since I left home for college when I was 17 years old, and at one time had a close knit of friends but not anymore but in spite of these things, I have always been a hermit myself. Again, the contradictions are incessant for Virgos love to be in their hermit mode so they can recharge their energy, analyze situations and interactions that occurred, and strategize plans for the next things to accomplish, they are also pulled by the opposing need of being out their to be service and helping others. Balance is the key for Virgos. Balance between giving and taking for he or she should take more honestly and stop being so modest. Balance of thinking or analyzing and just taking a leap in the unknown and doing it. For Virgo will try to plan everything out like he or she can control the Universe but it is only with this intention because they want to get things right and treat people right. Balance between loving others and loving self for Virgo needs to focus and love on him or herself more which will enable the Virgo to be more effective out in the world. So when you are out in the world, and if you see a Virgo, please be kind.
By Leland Lewis3 years ago in Futurism
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