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How Toxic Masculinity Ruined My Relationship with My Dad

What is Toxic Masculinity? And how does it ruin relationships?

By Chris EdwardsPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Growing up, I wasn't the most "boyish" kid you would have met. I had zero interest in playing football, watching sports, or doing anything that someone would think fits with the stereotypical "man" gender role. I took greater joy in pretending to do hair, fake cooking, and wearing things on top of my head and pretending it was hair. In my eyes, what I loved doing was normal, but in my father's eyes, it was anything but that. My father had a totally different idea of what was normal for my gender. He believed that I should be outside, playing sports with other boys. He believed that I shouldn't be putting things on my head and acting like it was hair. He believed I should be tough, and that I shouldn't cry. This is toxic masculinity. I wish I knew about that when I would cry and he would scold me and tell me that boys don't do that.

Over the course of my entire life, he would make countless attempts to sculpt me into the man he wanted me to be. Of course, this didn't work, as I was still the feminine person that I've been for as long as I can remember. Even though it didn't work, it still makes me feel a type of way thinking about it. Why would he force his toxic masculinity and stereotypical gender roles so heavily onto me? I still don't have a solid answer.

I remember the earliest experience I had coming face to face with his toxic masculinity. I was around four years old. I was a helpless toddler. He came up to me and told me not to play with anything pink or purple, because those are "girly colors," according to him. I didn't even know what "girl" colors were, but I knew from that point on, that my hatred for anything pink or purple began.

Over the course of six years, he made multiple attempts to toughen me up and sculpt me into a miniature version of himself. He didn't like the fact that I was so feminine, and it showed. He always questioned my interest in feminine things. He always pushed me to engage in sports. He always pushed me to exercise, because according to him, that's what real men do. I was sick of it. I just want to live my genuine life without the judgment of my own parent.

Flash forward to summer 2017, he was angry at other things happening in his life, and as usual, I was in the corner, hoping he wouldn't project his anger onto me as he usually does. But I guess I wasn't hopeful enough, because he saw me, and started ranting about how girly I am. He began talking about how I need to do push-ups, because that's the "manly thing" to do. And then the moment I realized I was done was when he grabbed me and dragged me into his room to do some push-ups. I ran out and called my mom to pick me up. I never went back to his house ever again.

This string of failed attempts to project his toxic masculinity ruined our relationship. And it ultimately made me hate male authority figures as a whole.

I guess the moral of the story is: don't have children if you're not prepared for them to come out with there own beliefs, and ways. And instead of trying to change who they are, or mold them into a miniature version of you, you should let them be who they are. I really wish my father did this to me instead of doing what he did.

lgbtq
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About the Creator

Chris Edwards

Queer

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