How to save a life

Tears filled my large hazel eyes, wetting my freckled cheeks and streamed down my face, pooling on to my tshirt that was covered in food from the baby’s dinner. I wept quietly while my three children slept soundly in their beds. My breathing was heavy and hard, I worked tirelessly to control the sound of my crying to ensure that I didn’t wake anyone, I couldn’t handle crying children right now and I definitely didn’t want them to see me like this. I glanced over to the pile of bills, stacked as high as an old phone book. Red and white, overdue, overdue, overdue. That’s all I could see. How did I get myself in this mess? How did I let my children down so badly? It was meant to get easier once I left my abusive controlling relationship.

I was due to go on maternity leave for 12 months and return to my work at an aged care village. However, after the break down of my relationship, I had to put that on hold for another 12 months. Almost two years after the birth of my child and I am just able to hold my head above water, sinking slowly with every month that passed and being out of work. How am I going to feed my children, ensure they have a roof over their head and make memories with them? My mind wandered to my ex partner , the man who controlled me for 6 years, mentally, physically and financially. I look at his life and how he is flourishing financially, even after he ripped people off, even after he hurt people. Why was I the one suffering and he was achieving so much? I started to think, maybe that saying is true “ If you can’t beat them, join them” Maybe it was time I stopped with my morals and living life with expectations that if you do the right thing everything will turn out.

Then all of a sudden my phone rang, it was a private number . I wiped my tears from my face onto my tshirt and took a deep breath. Usually I wouldn’t answer private calls, especially when I felt this way, but something was drawing me to my phone. I picked up the phone and muttered “hello?” to the best of my ability my voice clearly shaking. There was a gentleman on the other end, he sounded older, possibly in his later 60’s to early 70’s. As he spoke I pictured him with grey hair, a small skinny build, dressed in a suit. “Hello, is that Ms Dianna Blake?” He said in the most polite yet official way. “ Uhhhh, yes, yes it is “ I managed to blurt out, my voice wavering from all the crying. “ Why hello Ms Blake, my name is Mr Daniel Myers and I am calling you in regards to the deceased estate of Mr William Mcintosh, I am so sorry for calling you so late but it was Williams request that we contact you straight away.” He paused waiting for a response “ Oh that’s ok, I wasn’t asleep.” I spluttered out trying my best to sound composed. “Did you say William had passed away?” I blurted out, feeling the tears well in my eyes again.

William Mcintosh was an interesting character, he didn’t like many people. He came across as grouchy to most so the nurses and health care workers would steer clear of him. William always dressed impeccably, he would wear a brown cardigan, black slacks, black shoes and his white hair was always combed over to the side, his tiny framed glasses sitting on the edge of his nose. William and I had a special bond, I got to know him on a different level and saw he wasn’t a grumpy old man, just simply a very intelligent man who lost his freedom and respect due to his age. During my time getting to know William Mcintosh I learnt in his prime he was Psychology lecturer at the University of Sydney and was nominated as the best in his field 6 years running, winning 5 out of 6 times. He was married to a lady named Betty, but they never had children. Betty was unable to conceive, William said it broke Bettys heart as she always longed for children. From that moment on William promised to make Betty happy for the rest of her life, taking her on holidays and spoiling her to try to keep her mind from the thought of missing out on raising children. Williams eyes would light up when he spoke of Betty, his voice would beam and you could see it took him back to a time when he was with the love of his life. For a few moments William was overcome with happiness, it was like he was 20 again. Unfortunately Betty passed away 5 years before William was placed in the nursing home, he was 65 and she was 63. She died in her sleep her heart just stopped. After William lost the love of his life he became angry, he didn’t care for the things he used to love, he just sat in his rocking chair all day hoping that it was his last. Eventually the Department for the Aged stepped in and placed him in the nursing home against Williams wishes.

William hated everyone there, until I came along. At first he hated me too, but I was not letting this grumpy old fool get the better of me. I researched him to see if I could find anything out about him, which is where I discovered he was a brilliant Psychology lecturer. I decided to try to bring something up with him. There was a recent case on the news which had caught my attention and it was about a young boy in his 20’s,he killed his parents and pleaded mental illness. I mentioned this case to William and that was enough for him to start talking to me. It was like I opened pandora's box, he was finally seen. William and I would speak for hours every day about life, love, work, Betty, mental illness. Then I found out I was pregnant, I told William and he was so happy for me, but also so worried. He knew what I had been through with my partner, I confided in him about how toxic my relationship was. When it was coming up time to leave my place of employment to raise my third child, I asked the Human Resources department if I was allowed to keep contact with William. I received an email back almost immediately advising it was against policy and in no way shape or form I was allowed to keep in contact. I was devastated, I told William of the news and he hugged me. It was the first time he hugged me but his hug was filled with so much love and comfort. He told me “ Dianna, its ok. You have given me so much. You were the first person since Betty passed that actually saw me. I will be here when you returned.” he promised me.

I was crying again, then the voice on the other end echoed in my ear “ Are you ok dear?” Mr Myers asked. “Yeah, sorry I am just in shock. How did it happen?” I asked, trying to keep my tears in control. “He passed away in his sleep” Mr Myers replied. “Just like Betty” I said. “ Yes just like Betty. The reason for my call tonight is he has a Little Black Book, and he insisted it goes to you, are you able to collect it this week from the aged care home?.” Mr Myers requested. “Oh wow, he left me something. How very kind of him, yes I can collect it tomorrow as my children are in childcare.” I said, I thanked My Myers for his call and hung up the phone, then cried and cried and cried. This world had lost a brilliant man, but it was also bitter sweet as I knew William was back with Betty the love of his life.

The next day, after I had dropped off the kids, I went to the nursing home drying my eyes as I walked through the automatic sliding doors. The place had not changed, the carpet was still brown, there was still a bunch of fake flowers on the reception desk and Emma, a short chubby lady with a big smile and bob cut, welcomed everyone who walked in. “DIANNA” Emma cooed “OH ITS SOO GOOD TO SEE YOU” Emma ran from behind the desk and hugged me like I was her long lost sister. “Hi Emma, how are you ?” I asked. After we spoke a while, Emma said she had something for me and handed me the black book,which had a gold coded lock on it and a note on the front “ Dear Dianna, I am sure you can work out the code Love William.”

I thanked Emma and left, siting in my car looking at the lock with a number passcode, of course I knew what it was 1402, Bettys birthday and the day William met her. The padlock flipped open and in there were daily diary entries, I read them one by one. The first was full of anger, hurt and betrayal. William was so mad and didn’t want to live any longer, he didn’t see the point but as the book went on the stories changed from anger to love. He wrote about us and our conversations. He started to be filled with love and happiness, I laughed and cried and realised that being a good person does matter. I may not be rich, I may be struggling to pay the bills, but I am changing lives by caring and loving and being empathetic and I never want to be anything else. William always new when I needed him the most. His last entry in his diary was directly written to me, its like he knew his time was coming to an end. It read

“Dear Dianna,

You saved my life. After I lost Betty I didn’t think I had anything to live for until I met you. You reminded me of her. Your loving caring nature was exactly who Betty was. You gave me reason to live, and reason to get up in the morning. You were like a daughter to me. Thank you for being you, please never change. Love William”.

With those words it made me realise I didn’t need lots of money, a flash car or expensive things. I just needed to be me and that is something money cant buy. That little black book saved me, William saved me just as much as I saved him. I started my car, my heart was filled with love and sorrow, this little black book meant more than William would ever know. Just as I put my car into drive Emma, ran from the glass sliding doors waving her arms. I placed my car in park and wound down my window. “Dianna, I almost forgot William also left you this letter.” She laughed, with her beaming smile she handed me the envelope and walked off. I held a crisp white envelope in my hands with the words William had written in the most perfect cursive, I opened the envelope and pulled out a cheque to the value of $20,000. A note attached said “Dianna, I know you are a proud woman but please accept this, Love William.” A single tear rolled down my face, “Oh William you cheeky man, you always have to have the last say don’t you, thank you.” I said with a chuckle as I looked up in to the clouds picturing William and Betty together again.