How to Rebuild Trust After a Relationship Setback

Once something happens that damages your trust, your partner could have let you down in some way. Maybe they lied about buying something, told someone something private, or didn't show up for you when you needed them. It may not have seemed like a big deal to them, but it can be devastating to you.

Once your trust has been compromised, there are ways to start rebuilding. Rebuilding trust will not magically fix the situation. You must learn from your mistakes and work to gain back their trust.

This won't happen overnight. There are steps that both parties have to take, and your partner will determine what they need to feel comfortable again. Here are some tips that can help.

Identify what broke your trust

Discuss what broke your trust. Saying, "You don't care," is a general statement that can open up a whole argument. Be specific about what they did that broke your trust.

"You said you would call me when you got off work and didn't call me. I felt neglected. I didn't need you to spend the rest of the night with me; I just wanted to know."

Your partner can explain what they were thinking, but understand how it made you feel first.

"I understand that hurt your feelings. I should have informed you that I would not be calling you. I'm sorry."

Both parties may not remember the situation the same way. That's okay; just understand that something happened that broke your trust. Try not to argue over what happened and focus on what they are feeling.

Say "I'm sorry"

Say "I'm sorry" for what you did and understand how it affected your partner. Don't try to place the blame on your partner for being hurt.

Compare the apologies

"I'm sorry that you got upset, but I was having a bad day."

vs.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you and walking away when you tried to speak to me. I put you in a position where you had to figure everything out on your own. I was having a bad day, but I should have communicated that better."

The second apology explains what happened but doesn't try to blame your partner for being upset. Also, don't expect them to instantly forgive you.

Try to say, "I'm sorry. I know you may not be able to get past this, but I want to talk about what will help you feel better. If you need some time, I can give you that."

Your partner can respond by saying, "I accept your apology; I just don't feel like I can trust you again just yet. I would like to work on this."

This allows your partner to not say they are okay. Just because they forgave you does not mean they trust you again.

Create a solution

Saying, "I will try harder," is not a good solution. Come up with a solution that can help both of you. If your trust was broken because they didn't follow through on something, they can say, "I will let you know if I am running 15 minutes late or more." If they told someone something private, they can say, "I won't share our relationship problems with anyone; if I need help, I will tell you first or leave out information that can identify you."

Your partner can also come up with a solution.

"I don't need you to text me every hour, but if something changes, let me know. Can you do that?"

Pick one solution that pertains to what broke your trust. Don't come up with a huge list.

Actions speak louder

Do nice things for your partner, but trust will come when they continue to show you that they are trustworthy. If they said they would be home at 6:00, then they need to be home at 6:00. If they can't, let you know they will be home at a different time. If they said they would keep something private, they need to keep that private.

Your partner can recognize when they are doing better.

"I noticed you followed through on what we talked about this week. Thank you; I know I need more time, but this is a start."

Don't think that because they did better for one week, they will continue to do better. Make sure they are following through when no one is looking.

Remembering what happened

When something happens that reminds your partner of what broke their trust, they may not be trying to bring it up to hurt you. They may not have gotten over what happened yet.

"It's bringing back memories of when you did this before. Can we talk about what's happening?"

"I understand this may have brought that back; here is what happened. I'm happy to answer any questions."

Then work on the current situation. Ask, "What can we do to help this situation?"

If you're getting overwhelmed, take a break from the conversation and say, "I want to resolve this, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break for 30 minutes and come back to this at 7:30?"

Make sure you go back and finish your conversation. Don't use this as an out to not resolve your problems.

Allow your partner to take their time

As the person who broke your partner's trust, you may want to move on from the situation quicker than your partner does. You may ask, "Why are we still talking about this? You said you were sorry." Just because you said you were sorry does not mean your partner trusts you.

Your partner shouldn't be forced to say they trust you again by a certain time. Tell them what you need.

"I want to work on trusting you, but I can't promise I'll trust you by [date/time]. Please continue to show me that you are trustworthy and don't rush me."

Both parties need to evaluate what they are doing to help build trust. If you did something to break your partner's trust, you need to show them that you are trying to better yourself and change your ways. Your partner needs to tell you what they need to feel trusted again and allow themselves to trust you again.

If they keep promising they will do better and continue to do the same thing, take note of that. You may need to set some boundaries or talk to a therapist. Or maybe this relationship isn't right for you.

Remember, rebuilding trust will not always come easy to your partner. But you shouldn't have to compromise who you are to rebuild trust.

For more guidance, read How to Rebuild Trust in a Marriage After It Has Been Broken.

I believe when trying to gain trust back from your partner, you should not disregard your needs. You can both try to better the relationship, but know what you need to feel respected.

Key Takeaways

• Tell your partner what they did wrong and how it affected you.

• Apologize for your actions.

• Create a solution that will benefit both of you.

• Show your partner that you are trustworthy through your actions.

• Allow your partner to rebuild trust at their own pace, but pay attention to if they are also trying to build trust.

Building trust in your relationship is possible. Just start by identifying what happened, how it made you feel, and pick one thing you can both work on.