How to Heal From an Emotionally Absent Mother

If you have anything to say about Mom that’s less than stellar — consider changing your name.

That was the message from the family.

No one shares nor wants to understand any version of Mom that doesn’t match their perfect memories.

No one wants to rail on their mom.

And it’s easier to recount the good versus admitting the other. For avoiding scrutiny best to keep it locked up in a dark corner of your mental closet?

However, good or bad, it’s best not to forget. To do so is to dishonor what happened. The truth — even if no one else wants to hear it.

About Mom

Mom thought I was a delusional misfit. No one was to know this, especially her relatives or coworkers. But, it caught on with family and the stigma was lifelong.

No one was to know that her marriage was a lie, either. She seemed to think that the mask she put on made an impression of normality.

To her credit, mom did all the domestic chores, but I never saw her go for a walk or engage in any healthy activity.

When I was young it seemed Mother’s Day for her was spent rocking in a chair. In the chair, she would puff on a cigarette and gaze at a wall that held no family or marriage photos.

By her early 40s, she had become a successful businesswoman. But in the home where life wasn’t as easy as managing an annual candy sale for girl camps, she remained to herself.

“It’s my job to put clothes on your back!” She snapped.

How this Hera paid the rent, put food on the table, and kept the household running was from Mt. Olympus.

Her job was a sanctuary; a place respected, where she was the boss. She had a disabled and womanizing husband, two young daughters, and one delusional son. Another son wanted by the military for being AWOL, mom knuckled down.

Growing up at home extended the black and white conditions of the depression-era farm where she grew up. You didn’t ask questions, you followed orders, did your chores, or go hungry.

Make a mistake? You made the bed now lie in it.

There was no time or room to be creative. The arts were for liberals, rich people, city folk, and homosexuals. And there I sat — the rotten little egg too big for his britches.

I knew she wanted to cry but the well was dry. Also, much like Dad, Mom hadn’t always been this broken.

Touching her was off-limits, so we had no physical contact. Dad complained later, after they divorced, that she was cold.

Mom was emotionally absent.

What Is an Emotionally Absent Mother?

She was good at the outer things they think a mother should do but had no clue how very big the job of mothering is. — Jasmin Lee Cori, author of “The Emotionally Absent Mother”

Many years later, until I had a wife and child, did we re-bond. But first, Mom had to ask my new wife what she saw in a loser like me?

I call that behavior the slap down. It’s you’re not good enough for anything or anyone. And an Emo Absent person loves to use it. It’s a sure-fire sign they need to feel above you.

12 Signs your mother is emotionally absent

1. She Is Overly Critical

2. Her Responses Are Erratic and Inconsistent

3. She Uses Guilt To Manipulate You

4. You Are Blamed For Her Situation Or Stress

5. She Gives You The Silent Treatment

6. It’s Your Job To Keep Her Happy

7. Nothing You Do Is Good Enough For Her

8. You Had To Earn The Things That You Received

9. Doesn’t Allow You Privacy Or Wants To Know All Of Your Business

10. Speaks To You In An Aggressive Or Belittling Way

11. Won’t Allow You To be Yourself

12. Won’t recognize your accomplishments

Time to heal

Mom found it difficult to be close so to omit matters of her health comes as no surprise.

After her third bout with cancer, she wore a colostomy.

Mom drifted in and out of pain — often going days eating nothing, and living on sleeping pills.

In her last moment, I whispered in her ear with missing feelings. “I’m sorry if I let you down or cause you any pain. Please forgive me, Mom. I always loved you. You will be missed and remembered.”

The Emotionally Absent Mother.

This book led me to reflect upon my relationship with mom instead of blocking it from my mind like I had been doing.

Was your mother preoccupied, distant, or even demeaning? Have you struggled with relationships — or with your self-worth? Often, the grown children of emotionally absent mothers can’t quite put a finger on what’s missing from their lives. The children of abusive mothers may recognize the abuse — but overlook its lasting, harmful effects. — Author and Psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori.

Your spouse probably learned this behavior from their mother or you are passing it on to your child.

Like alcoholism, abuse can be inherited.

Acknowledgment is the first step in healing and the book is a good place to start and heal.

Happy Mother’s Day