How To Deal With A Toxic Family Member

Do you have a toxic friend? Then stay away. Toxic partner? Break up! But what do you do if the toxic person is your family member?

A toxic relative can ignite old family wounds, destroy Christmas dinner and scare away that cute date you just brought home for introductions.

It’s not easy to cut the rotten apples from the family tree — but doing nothing will kill your family tree.

My cousin — unfortunately — fits the description of a toxic family member.

She used to be sweet — long time ago. But since my mother died, she has changed.She lies, manipulates, criticizes and envies a lot.

I don’t want to put up with her anymore.

I just can’t let her poison spread from branch to branch and destroy our family tree. So — what to do now?

Analyze

With toxic family members, we are often blinded by optimism — we overlook their latest misconducts because we just want to smooth things over.

We make excuses for them because we are blood.

So let’s start by trying to see things as they really are. A helpful way to do this is to make a big list. On one side, write down the good times — those times you’ve felt supported by them, they came through for you, you felt loved.

On the other side, write out the bad times. Look at both frequency and magnitude.

Seeing your interactions in black and white will help you determine whether your relationship deserves to be thrown a lifeboat or is essentially dead in the water.

Set Rules

A toxic family member needs to be contained by drawing some boundaries.

There are lots of ways to contain how you interact with them. You can set limits on the duration of contact or location. Perhaps you decide you only see them at big events like weddings or funerals, not intimate gatherings.

With cordial contact, you are mindful not to be too revealing. Make sure to keep conversations and emotions superficial, positive, and pleasant and largely about our toxic family members.

Toxic relatives love to feel as if everything is about them.

You can use this as a strategy, keeping yourself safe from unwanted drama.

This can work, at least in the short term.

My sister has tried this for the last six months, but just this week our cousin acted out once again.

As if she just could not stand that things were too peaceful, so she had to cause another scene. This led my sister to decide to cut ties with our cousin.

Go For No Contact

When we finally reach the point with our toxic family members where we decide the only healthy option for us is to go no-contact, we have arrived on a challenging and freeing decision.

If you are at this place, you can trust that you have taken more abuse than you ever deserved — assuming you ever deserved any of it.

If you reached this point, you can trust that you were pushed to it by your toxic family member.

Learn To Forgive

I love my toxic cousin and would like her to stay in my life. I am still expecting her to change, knowing it’s unlikely.

I have been hurt by my toxic cousin many times — but I forgive her and so should you.

Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you approve of other people’s behavior, it is realizing that you will not be controlled by it anymore.

Keep in mind, that forgiveness does not entail forgetting about their actions and keeping yourself prone to abuse.

At too many points in time, I sacrificed my happiness to serve hers, shut my mouth when I desperately wanted to speak up, and did what she wanted because doing that was easier than dealing with her drama.

Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself by walking away from your toxic relative.

You have every right to protect yourself from those who manipulate and emotionally abuse you.