Is My Best Friend's Child Becoming A Narcissist?

My good friend has finally had the chance to see his daughter. After a three week period of constantly going back and forth with emails to his ex-wife begging to see his daughter earlier and for a longer period of time. All of his attempts were refused by his ex-partner — a covert malignant narcissist.

He had no other choice than to wait and stick to the court-ordered dates and see her then, even though their court order states that extra time can be arranged by mutual agreement.

But the fact is — there are no agreements, compromises or discussions when it comes to narcissists.

Three weeks is not a long period of time of not seeing a child, some may say. But to those who are parents, who love, care and think of their children all the time — three weeks become a lifetime.

He picked her up from school like he used to do every other weekend before he moved to Belgium. When he saw her it seemed as nothing has changed.

“Daddy!”

She hugged him tight as if not wishing to ever let him go. I am certain he cried then. On the way to their apartment she could not stop talking — there was always so much to say, even though they have regular and heavily monitored contact. But this time, they were alone, just the two of them, without her narcissistic mother eavesdropping, jumping in or just disconnecting the phone line.

He didn’t know though that they aren’t truly alone. Soon he realized that her mother will always be there with them. During their time together, there were several red flags that got him thinking:

“Will my baby become a narcissist too?”

When they sat down with his friends, their children and his daughter he noticed some traits that his child has never displayed before. As the three children next to her were trying to make a drawing, she harshly took the drawing out of their hands and ripped it into pieces.

“Why did you do this?”

“Because I don’t like it! So I will show them how to do it properly!”

When reminded that what she did isn’t appropriate and encouraged to apologize to the children, his daughter openly stated that she doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong and she will never apologize.

That evening she was grounded but even that didn’t make her realize the consequences of her actions. The next day she still believed her behaviour was appropriate. It is then that my friend realized that his daughter cant distinguish right from wrong.

You see, her malignant narcissist mother has never taught her boundaries.

There was an ongoing conflict between the parents. My friend has tried for years to raise his daughter with respect and teach her boundaries: be it recognizing other people needs, being compassionate, listening to the elderly or thinking before speaking. But also “basic boundaries” such as going to bed on time, making the bed in the morning, putting dirty clothes in the laundry and so on.

In her mother’s house, there were no boundaries.

The next day his daughter conditioned him that she would brush her teeth only if she is allowed to watch television until midnight even though she is just 10 years old. She added:

“I will make my bed in the morning too if we go for those pancakes that I want!”

Boundary issues are a sign of early trauma. You see when a child spends a majority of the time being guilt-tripped and manipulated by their own mother, then these same techniques become a pathway to how to get something that they want in later years.

Children raised by malignant narcissistic quite often have no boundaries.

In the evening my friend tried to talk to his daughter about boundaries, respect and communication — she closed down. It was impossible to get a word out of her.

Sometimes children go to another extreme and build a Berlin wall, desperately stopping anyone from getting to know them and becoming close to them. After all, they’ve heard so many lies about the other parent no wonder that trust becomes nonexistent.

Some children do this to defend themselves from the abuse that they’ve experienced and they dissociate.

“Mhhm…Mhmm…”

Whatever he said didn’t matter, she wasn’t there. She was somewhere over the rainbow, daydreaming.

The issue is that when being raised by a narcissistic mother, a child — an emotional sponge, absorbs unhealthy behaviours and communication strategies to simply survive. Over time, the child either shuts down or takes on the traits of the narcissistic parent.

Over those 7 days that my best friend spent with his daughter, he realized how much his child needs him to help her become a healthy adult. Even though he is very much present in his daughter's life, for the first 5 days he could not recognize her. The traits that she has developed are not something that he has taught her:

She was constantly talking over everybody;

Every and each conversation was just about her;

When trying to talk to her about important things such as behaviour issues, feelings, friends — she ignored them and didn’t listen.

But it’s not a child’s fault. There are no bad children. There are only bad parents.

On the 7th day, the Berlin wall cracked and his daughter told him that she feels:

Unloved;

That she doesn’t deserve happiness, friends and family;

That she is a loser;

That she deserves to die;

And that everything bad that happens is always her fault.

She needs her father to help her heal, but before he helps her he must heal himself first.

There is a likelihood that his child will develop borderline personality disorder and would tend to see the world as black and white. She might continue to blame herself for everything that goes wrong in her life and instead of keeping going forwards she will always have her mother’s voice in her head that will demotivate her.

That’s why my friend, her father will become the other voice in her head that will always motivate her to do better because she can.

She isn’t her mother. She isn’t her father.

She might be the daughter of a narcissist and empath, but that doesn’t define her as who she is or who she will become.

When physically leaving her, my friend knew that he will do all in his power to help her daughter become the best possible version of herself.

He will keep being there for her and help her live again and cope with trauma. Along with her, he will recover too. He will never give up.

If you too have children, don’t give up. You might have lost many battles but not the war.

Originally published by me here.