How Task Responsibility Decides 'Fairness' in Relationships

Many men are often blind to the connection between how few chores they do and how their partners feel about them! Yet if a woman feels like a servant in the relationship, it will affect her perception of her value and the intimacy of the union. Being the sole person to clean the toilet and wash the floors is definitely not an aphrodisiac, or any kind of turn-on! The message you send to your spouse when you do very little around the house is mainly one of a lack of respect for her or him. When there is a feeling of mutual respect and appreciation, both partners tend to give more and the relationship prospers.

Yet gender perception in home roles steadfastly persists in the 21st century, despite our advancement on many fronts. Different role perceptions – like who does the cooking, who makes the decisions, who works outside the home, etc., still cary a certain gender tag, so they all have to be decided jointly, honestly and openly from the very beginning of a new relationship. In today's world, it's no good hoping or assuming, that the man/husband will help with the cooking and the woman/wife will stay home with the kids. There could be big surprises ahead!

In analysing representative surveys on family life and time use from the past 30 years, associate professor of the University of Utah, Daniel Carlson, noticed some interesting trends. "Couples who each took on specific chores and didn’t share any of them were not as satisfied with their relationship as couples who shared at least three chores."

He wrote “One of the biggest predictors of satisfaction is a feeling of fairness in relationships. It turns out that the more tasks couple share together, that they do jointly, the greater their feelings of equity, the more satisfied they are with their housework arrangements.” For example, of those who were equally sharing all the tasks, "99% reported that their relationship was fair,” he says. While for those who had 50/50 housework, and didn’t share any tasks together, only half of them thought their relationship was fair.”

The Atlantic in collaboration with and Chicago Sloan Study of 500 working families, gave some stark facts that reinforced Carlson's findings. "Men spent 18 percent of their time doing housework and took on 33 percent of household tasks, whereas women spent 22 percent of their time on housework and carried out 67 percent of household tasks. Women performed more than twice the number of tasks and assumed the burden of “mental labor” or “invisible work,” that is, planning and coordination of tasks. Moreover, leisure was most frequent for fathers (30 percent) and children (39 percent) and least frequent for mothers (22 percent)." Thus women still have the greater burden of homemaking, on top of their jobs, a key reason why they are increasingly rejecting marriage, or even setting up home together. In fact, The Atlantic found that how couples shared their task appeared to be "the difference between a happy and a miserable" relationship.

I can confirm that from my experience.

A few years into my marriage, one of my neighbours complained bitterly to me that she had four children to cope with all day, and her husband came home religiously at 5pm and expected his dinner "on the table". He felt that, having been to work to provide for the household, he had earned the right to put his feet up for the rest of the day. However, she got no break at all until the hyperactive children were in bed, which was often quite late at night. It meant husband and wife had little time together as a couple, and she had hardly any help with the children, which made her tired and resentful. If he had helped her when he got home, they could have enjoyed some quality time together, because her day would have ended earlier. His actions would also have signalled an appreciation of her responsibilities and role. Instead, she was resentful and frustrated, especially as she was not assertive enough to ignore his dinner, or to stand up to his selfish actions.

I also couldn't help comparing her situation to what happened in my home. In our long marriage, we started off in the usual gender fashion of me doing the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores, while my husband did everything else, especially the DIY stuff. However, as the children grew older and demanded more care and attention (and we were both working), we gradually agreed to either share certain roles, like the cooking, or take over the ones we liked. It was a good move because he was a brilliant gardener (I didn't like gardening). He did all the outdoor chores and shared in the cooking while I focused on indoors, especially the cleaning and ironing, which I preferred. It gave us lots of time for each other, and no resentment as we complemented each other’s activities and liked what we did. For many years this worked perfectly, until he decided he was a much better cook as well, and virtually took it over! My little offering gradually became inadequate and resentment began to creep in. It was the beginning of the end.

According to Dr John Gottman, a noted marital researcher, "men who do more housework and child care have better sex lives and happier marriages". Other psychologists have found that when wives and husbands make what they both feel is a successful effort to divide chores fairly, both spouses benefit. But, despite our liberated age, inequalities in housework and childcare still have profound consequences for the satisfaction of women, which gradually affect the quality of the relationship for the men as well.

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